I've talked a bit about how I've stepped away from the dating game, and the longer it goes, the better it feels. Coincidentally, I stopped at breakfast eatery earlier, and started chatting it up with a fellow sitting at a nearby table, and when my food arrived, I asked if he was okay if I moved over to his table. He said he didn't mind, but immediately informed me that he's married. I gave him a gentle smile and assured him that I had no intentions to get fresh with him. He seemed relieved, and I joined him and had a great breakfast. It was a nice change of pace from seeing men around me as potential dating partners, and now just seeing them as homies or possible friends.
Anyway, as I'm stepping away from dating, and growing more apathetic about the possibility of living out my last days on my own, I've seen that the apathy is sliding off into my professional life as well. I've been at my job for nearly 3 years now, and I feel comfortable saying that I am both loved and respected by my supervisors, colleagues, and the population we serve. I bring a friendly approach and emotional support. I've had people say to me that some people are all book knowledge, and some people are just friendly and natural at this job, and I'm blessed to fall in both.
The issue is that within the past few weeks, I'm starting to feel my light fade. I'm notorious for being the bubbly jokester, but I'm finding it harder and harder to pull from my reserves and bring that woman to work with me. I've even wondered if it is the fact that I've been picking up extra shifts the last few weeks to cover my upcoming birthday celebration, or the lack of sun, due to all of the rain, but I'm just emotionally and mentally exhausted at work.
I genuinely don't know if how I'm feeling is due to overall work stuff, or if the emotions from my personal life or sneaking on in to how I perform at work. I realized early in my social work years that most people don't want to do the work. They simply want to no longer receive consequences, while engaging in the same degree of fuckery. And people will come to me for support, and I'll give them all I have, all for them to reject it, because they don't want help like that. Reminds me of working at a drug rehab facility, how some of the women would want their children back, while basically keeping up the same toxic patterns. Sure, they wanted their kids back, but they didn't really want to give up drugs.
So after working on mental health for 15 years, you come to see many people who come in saying what they want and hope to achieve, only to bail the first time you expect something from them. Another example is a young woman I met at TJ Maxx. She seemed super sweet, and one day, she told me that she's in school, studying psychology, with the hopes of being a therapist. I immediately started talking shop and throwing around some phrases and words, and she admitted that she had no idea what I was saying, as I'd been the only person in her life who actually worked in the field. I offered to mentor her, and she said yes.
A few days later, I brought my DSM5 for her to look at. Long story short, the DSM is essentially the bible of the mental health field. If you have an actual clinical diagnosis, it comes straight from this book. The original is hundreds of bucks, but I lucked up on this one for $35, so I lent it out to her. One day, I saw her crying at work and tried to get her to open up to me. She couldn't. She wouldn't. I'd asked her if she'd ever gone to a therapist. She said no. I asked how she planned to go into the field if she'd never learned about it? She shrugged. I didn't want to pry, so I let it go.
About 3 days after, I dropped her a text message, asking how she was doing overall. No answer. I get it, life is busy, whatevs. I called her, the phone went straight to voicemail. Oh. Did she block me?! Two days later, called again. Straight to voicemail. This bitch blocked me! I texted her again, gently asking about my book. Cuz heffa, you can block me or you can keep my book, but you damned sure aren't gonna do both.
And honestly, I know what this is about. I've encountered this before. Feelings, thoughts, emotions? She doesn't know how to show up in them, so she bowed out. And old Malika might have fought harder to make her feel seen and heard. But I just don't have it in me to give a fuck. Babygirl, this is your journey, and yours alone. I no longer have the extra emotional energy to pour into her or anybody else. I feel like a washcloth that has been wrung dry.
Like I'm physically tired. I'm exhausted. I hope I'll be better after my birthday celebration, when I scale back on the extra hours at work. I hope that works. I miss the Malika that always showed up for others. Maybe that's my problem? Time to scale back and pour into me, and me alone?
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