Learning to Let the Spirits Guide Me

I walked into my home the other day. Because the cats sometimes try to make a run for it, I'm always intentional about making sure the door is closed behind me. As I pulled the door closed, I felt an interruption of some sort. It felt like someone had pulled it from the other side, or like something was in the way. I stopped quickly and looked to see what was there. But it was nothing. Nothing was there. The day was particularly windy, and I'd wondered if a strong breeze made it tough, so I continued to see if the wind was the culprit. But it wasn't. Something (or someone) pulled that door, and nothing can convince me of otherwise.

Yesterday, I found myself chatting it up with my supervisor, a Nigerian firecracker of a woman. For some reason, I opted to ask her the meaning of her last name. She laughed, and explained that she came from a long lineage of witchdoctors, and that her name was affiliated with that history. I went on to share with her about my own history of the unknown and how I'll experience things moving around my home, randomly. And how it's not just this home, it's been several places I've lived (here, for more info on that). My amazing coworker explained that my gift is likely somehow  affiliated with family lineage. She explained that I'd had a seer, psychic, or roots worker in my family in the past, and while others kind of got "lost" spiritually, I somehow continue to use my gifts, because I'm more in tune with them, and that I have more empathy. I'd never thought of it, but I definitely have psychic gifts as well. There have been many times that I've seen or felt things before they happened, even once in a dream. It was interesting to hear her say that it was about family history, because my other friend had said the same thing.

It took me back to recalling that I don't really have to focus on revenge for those who have wronged me, simply because my spirits always do the work for me. Even this morning, I learned that a court case where I was fully willing to go in and pay to shut this other party up and go away previously, has been cancelled. It's hilarious and amazing to me. The even wilder thing is that I tried to pay this money earlier, when I was first told to do so, but there was an incredulous block that would not allow me to. I was pretty much told that I needed to hire a lawyer to pay this money, but naturally, I wasn't going to do that. It's amazing, even then, the spirits were like "hold on to your money sis, we got you!"

Interestingly enough, before I was aware of my spiritual guides, I'd noticed that whenever people try to eff with me, it isn't uncommon for them to either suffer, or whatever mess they pull magically catapults me into further greatness. It's like the more folks try to make me fall, the greater my trajectory in life gets. I'm not complaining, keep it coming, I'll take all the blessings I can get!

So like I said, I got a notice that I had to go to court, and I was fully prepared to pay, to make this stupid incident go away, once and for all. I'm blessed to say that $500 won't break me, and I'd gladly pay it to make this other person get the fuck out of my face. But once again, my spirits said "nah" and they took the reigns. I'm impressed. I'm genuinely learning to fall back and let my spirits guide the journey. I'm seeing that I really don't have to worry about anything, all I gotta do is protect my body, my mind, my spirit, and my energy, and then keep my nose clean. And they'll do the rest.

Speaking of legal stuff, about 13 years ago, I was in a particularly rough space. I'd gone to jail for fighting my shitty ex. I was ordered to attend Family Violence Intervention Program classes. I was furious. I shouldn't have to do this! Spending that money, and time just seemed like an extra slap in the face, on top of everything else I had to deal with.

Wildly enough, while attending the classes, I was in Little 5 Points one day, and I saw the cop who arrested me. I froze and went in an opposite direction. I sat on a bench and needed to compose myself. I knew that I needed to speak to him. I went back to him, and I began weeping. I hugged him. And I told him "thank you." I hated that I went to jail. It was embarrassing. I knew I didn't belong there. But being there was what I needed to learn once and for all that I needed to stay the hell away from my son's father.

I'm actually still in touch with some of the women I met at those groups. I'm so proud that we're all doing amazing. A few years after, I thought that I'd like to lead such groups, but that motivation got lost in the sauce. I've spoken before about working at my part-time retail job, but the fact is that the money isn't doing what I need it to do. I'm trying to save money for a house emergency, plus I want to make some trips soon, in addition to my son going away to college soon. My savings is almost depleted. I need to get some money up, and fast!

I need to reinstate my social work license, and I considered going back into doing some private therapy, for extra cash. But then, for some reason, those FVIP classes recently came back up for me. I decided that this is the perfect time for me to apply to lead these groups. I can make more money on the side, while continuing to work in mental health and provide support to women who are in the same position that I once was. Sometimes, when I work my crisis line, I explain that I often use my own history as a motivator, to support others. And after 13 years, I'm no longer embarrassed about my night in jail. It motivated me. It brought me here. And I'm grateful. Once again, my spirits knew what was needed. Coincidentally, I'm in a much better place now to lead these groups, than it would have been if I'd tried when I first wanted to. I've actually had 4 jobs that consisted of me conducting groups, and I consider myself a bit of a pro at it. I was event joking with someone that I could lead groups in my sleep. So my personal and professional experience now makes me a much better candidate. I know that I'm ready.

On top of all else, I have a date coming up. I almost chuckle to myself when I talk about it with my girlfriends, but the guy is my former college professor. I'll blame my daddy issues, but when I first met him, he exuded power and connections. I was drawn. We've hung out a couple of times since I graduated, but I don't think he ever took me serious.  I rode by his house recently (it's on a road I happen to travel occasionally) and I hadn't seen him in a few years, so I decided to text him to say hello, and we've been chatting since.

I don't have any intentions, and I don't really want a boyfriend at the moment. I'm certainly not going to sleep with him, but he's encouraged me to dress up, and I look forward to doing so. It'll be the first time I've dressed up for a man, in a while. It's also the first time in a while that a man was intentional with planning something for us to do. 

Once again, my spirits are leading me to live my best life. An annoying (metaphorical) mosquito has been told once again to kick rocks and leave me alone. I'm about to embark on going full circle and supporting women facing domestic violence issues, and a guy with some business about himself has taken interest in little old me. It ain't a winning lotto ticket, but I'll take it.

Actually, I'm starting to see that I actually did win the spiritual lottery. And I look forward to using this to move me forward even further.