I've kinda scaled back my social media presence lately. The older I get, the more I value my peace, and too much online energy really messes up my groove. While once a person who posted on Facebook daily, I now opt to only check once or twice a week. I follow several groups that keep me in the loop. I also intentionally don't watch the news. Anything I need to know, someone will inform me. It works so far, so why fix it, ya know?
Anyway, last night, I decided on a quick check in. I landed on a post from a woman who described how she'd planned a birthday cruise for herself, and footed the bill, including the bill for her boyfriend to join her. She went on to talk about how her boyfriend was a complete wet blanket the whole time. She then said that next time, she'd simply leave the dude home.
I looked at the comments, and at over 1.1k of them, they all said the same thing. He doesn't like you, toss him back!
I was nearly nauseous reading those statements. He doesn't like you. It hit home. I felt the light bulb go off. I hated how familiar it all was. He didn't like her. Just like so many men didn't really like ME. I went back through my recent memory and I finally got what I'd buried for so long. Those guys didn't even like me. Damn. So many men that I'd shared my time and my body with didn't even like me. What have I been doing this whole time?!
I think what kept me shielded from this for so long is that I'm Malika. Everybody likes me. I'm funny. I'm kind. I'm thoughtful. I'm affectionate. I'm loving. What's not to like, right? I've realized in the past that some of the men I dated ultimately disliked me because they hated themselves and they felt threatened and intimidated by my ability to love myself, while they struggled to do the same. They were initially drawn to my outgoing personality, but they grew to resent it, because they struggled to be liked, confident, and social. I've seen it an identified the behavior in many men and women, and because of it, I've gotten to be far more selective about who I allow in my personal space. But the comments from those women made me really deep dive and see how many men truly didn't like me, I was just convenient. Whether it was sex, time, attention, emotional support, or any other resource, and because I'm a giver, I was an endless supply.
I needed badly to process this new info. I then called a good friend, to get her thoughts. She admitted that yes, most of the men she dated didn't really like her either. Somehow, it felt comforting to hear another woman admit that most of the men she'd dated were equally as guilty. I still struggle to make sense of it. I can't fathom giving my body to someone I can't stand. Yet, so many men seem to be comfortable with the practice. Not that anyone asked me, but that's disgusting on every level.
I guess I needed this revelation. Because moving forward, I intend to be a hell of a lot more selective about who I entertain and I plan to watch their behavior like a hawk. Because I like and love myself. And I refuse to let anyone else's inability to do the same, somehow become my burden to bear.
And as I received this realization, I've also seen the political changes since the election. And I've seen some pictures floating around that perfectly sum up my feelings about everything going on.
And now that I'm seeing that there are men who willingly hold space in my life, while simultaneously not caring for my well-being, I shall now fall back. This ain't my fight anymore. For those in my life who have shown grace, or will show up and show love later, I'll always fight to protect them, regardless of race or gender. But the others? Nah. Let it burn.
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