Okay, so I'm not married. I'm single. Dare I say "super single" at this point. At one point, I'd considered Fred as a serious potential, and I don't want to bore anyone else with my back and forth with him, but it's over. Yes, AGAIN. I'm not going to go into the why's because it isn't important, but I'm living the single life and really enjoying it. And I never thought that I would be able to learn from my multiple dating experiences, but I'd say that I'm a pretty sharp cookie, this time around.
A few weeks back, I met a guy online and he seemed pretty nice. Unfortunately, I was going through some shit at the time and I kind of played him to the left. He faithfully texted me good morning at 7:30, checked in throughout the day, became a nice distraction from the world. As things settled down in my life, I finally agreed to meet with the guy, as it turned out that he lived only a single exit away from me. He was handsome, charming, funny, sweet. Okay Malika, this dude might just be a keeper!
I asked the guy about himself and he told me that he doesn't like answering questions. Red flag #1. I dealt with a guy a few years back who didn't like responding to questions and it made me far more cautious about men that are resistant to being open. I'm not going to go into the details on this dude, but shortly after we met, he wanted sex. I liked dude, but between the red flags and the fact that I'm not really desperate for male companionship, I told him no when he asked me to come over his house at 11pm for "kisses and cuddling" because I felt like it would lead to sex and I wasn't ready for that. Dude pretty much never contacted me after the following day.
I was disappointed, but I was also proud of myself. I stuck to my guns. And because I stuck to my guns rather than being wooed by his half ass attempts, I know for a fact that I saved myself a lot of bullshit with dude. Another red flag was him stating "whenever I have sex with emotional women, it always ends horribly." I heard that and the first thing in my mind was if all of these women are going nuts, you're obviously doing something to set them off. I knew to maintain my distance. And I did. And in the end, I was spared whatever bullshit he's done to many other women. Score one for Malika!
Now even though I'm finally learning to put into practice many of the things that I've learned about men and life overall, I'm still aware that as a non-married woman, I can only offer so much guidance and advice for certain things. So because of that, shit that I'd walk away for when first meeting a man, may be different once vows, mortgages and children are involved.
Enter the case of my friend, Akasha. She's been with her husband since her early 20s and there are several children between the two of them. She'd occasionally get on Facebook and talk about it being their anniversary or Father's day, and she'd lavish him with praises. Theirs always seemed like the kind of marriage/partnership that I'd been hoping for one day.
Lately, Akasha started to say that she felt her husband is a narcissist. Honestly, I thought she was just using the word wrong, so I never bothered to correct her. But then she started to say how her husband always has something negative to say about the things that she values and how he gets angry when things don't revolve around him. Again, certainly know how that goes. Yikes. Double yikes.
And then she really surprised me by telling me that after some issues, dude just up and left her and the kids in the house a few months back. She told me that she'd refused to call him to find out where he was. And then, out of no where, he returned a few days later, and resumed things as if he hadn't just walked out. My inner sista girl was thinking "oh no this nigga didn't!" but I knew to hold my tongue. I'm not married. Never been married. I'm a single mother, of one child almost out the nest, with a master's degree that allows me to job hop as often as I want. I can't (and shouldn't) go encouraging women to leave their husbands. My only advice to my friend was that she needs to establish a dollar amount that she'd need from him in order to keep the house afloat if he feels that he needs to stay gone.
She's currently battling some things and could use help with the kids while she works and deals with stuff, so the fact is that dude being in the home at the moment is a blessing. But I know she's not done. I know that moving forward, I can't encourage her to move one way or another. The only advice I could offer, was what I did, which is more about looking at your money in a worst case scenario. But if she is okay with him returning, that's her decision to make. If she wants him to move the hell out once she finishes up her projects at work, that's on her too.
But looking at their situation did help me come to a conclusion about my own dating- I've let way too many men come and go in my life. Bro walked out like he was the shit, Mr. Big Man, and slid back into the house, like everything was okay. Again, I'm not judging. They got kids, history, and a mortgage. Sometimes, you do what you gotta do. That's also part of my refusal to have more children. I don't ever again want to be trapped in a bad relationship, all because we got crumb snatchers. If shit gets bad, I want to be able to leave, once it no longer makes me happy.
Their situation gave me a new rule to live by as it pertains to my relationships moving forward. Essentially, I'm gonna give a dude just ONE time to pack up and move out and return. That's right, you got just ONE time to get pissed off, pack yo' shit in the heat of the moment, and come back. That's your ONE. But if it happens a second time, I need you to remain wherever the hell you were. Don't get me wrong, it's one thing if we talk and mutually agree that one of us needs to leave the house for a cooling off period. That's fine. But that grabbing your bag in the middle of an argument and leaving? #Nah #Pass #YouTriedIt #WeDone
I'm not sure how Akasha plans to handle this and I feel that it isn't my place to put in her ear thoughts of making her husband stay gone. The only thing I can rightfully do is to encourage her to talk to her husband about how hurtful it was for him to just up and leave. But again, I'm not married. If she wants my professional advice as a therapist, that's one thing. But Malika as a homegirl? Yeah, I'm going to relegate myself to just listening. They have a lot between them to weigh. Things I (thankfully) don't have to consider.
I recall an exboyfriend from some years back. During a few disagreements, whenever we'd meet to discuss things, I could always see in his posture that he was somehow ready for a showdown and willing to bounce if things didn't go his way. Eventually, his goofy ass gave me an ultimatum and he lost. He should have known better. I heard on the streets that he was a crying mess after we broke up. Welp, shame on ya Black ass for trying to give me an ultimatum. If he was so ready to leave the relationship, he should have expected that I was even less vested than he was and even more ready to end it.
I don't know when the time will come for me to live with a romantic partner again. As it stands, it will probably be once my son is out of high school, not that I have any serious prospects. But either way, there won't be any of this coming and going shit that I stupidly allowed previously.
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