Inching Along

Like the rest of the world, I'm adjusting to the current new normal. No damned clue what life is going to be like after this virus, but for now, it is what it is. I'm blessed enough to have been allowed the opportunity to sit down and collect unemployment in the midst of all of this. I'm certainly enjoying this, but even more so thankful that once all of this is said and done, I'll still have a job. A lot of people can't say that. Weird that I got my stimulus money, and there was no need to buy new clothes or shoes, or plan for a vacation. Instead, I just put some money toward paying down my car and my credit card, and saving the rest of the money. Such a far way from being beyond broke and struggling 3 years ago.

Since I'd talked extensively about my thing with Ted, I guess it's only fair to say that I ended it. For good. I finally reached my breaking point when he made some kind of offhanded statement about not celebrating Valentine's Day with me this year. I was done. I was literally bawling. I couldn't believe that this man that I'd spent the last 5 years with could be so callous. After five fucking years, you don't want to spend the day and get me some goddamned candy?! And it ain't that he's married or got a secret chick, I've spent countless nights at his home and even once ran into his exwife while leaving his home. He just didn't want to commit. But he wanted the warmth and comfort of having a girlfriend, while putting in none of the work. I was completely over it. We haven't slept together since. Sure, we still talk on occasion, and I know that he'd be down if I were willing, and as much as I've weighed the idea of it, I always go back to Valentine's day. I just can't. The very vivid memory of Valentine's Day is etched into my brain.

And truthfully, that's why I'd scaled back from him initially. I loved him immensely. I still do. But being a friend with benefits was getting really old. I mean, I'm almost 40. I want to travel. I want to combine homes. I want to combine our money and retire together. I want a partner, and not just a sexual one. I want more. Ted did just enough to keep my fucking him, but no more. And the more aware I became of what I wanted, the less he started to fit the bill.
So in the meantime, I decided for the umpteenth time to check out Tinder. Honestly Tinder has been kind of crappy for me. I tend to get on it, get irritated with the shitty men, and delete it after about 3 weeks. But this time when I downloaded Tinder, I saw another dating app that I'd never seen. It looked pretty interesting, so I decided to give it a shot. I cannot lie, the men on there looked pretty interesting. It was definitely way above Tinder, in terms of potential candidates. I'd started talking in passing to a few men, when the unthinkable happened- my Aunt Sister passed away. I was devastated. I didn't talk to my aunt as much as I should have, but I definitely loved her. She was a lot like myself, living life on her own terms, and showing up for her loved ones whenever she was needed.

One day I attempted to go to work, but while driving out of my parking lot at my apartment complex, this loss of my aunt hit me and I just couldn't do it. I apologized to my peers and decided that I needed to drive. I took a quick nap and woke up and decided that I needed to hit the mountains, my preferred place to be when I needed to clear my  head. My plan was initially to return early, when my ex returned my child, and then make it to meet with John, a man who I'd connected with on the app. My ex decided to keep my child for the night, causing me to extend my time in the mountains. I'd texted John to apologize for my lateness. I'd tried to converse via text with him while driving, but naturally speeding through mountains while texting isn't the best idea. So for the first time ever, I called John.
What was supposed to be a very short apology and reschedule actually resulted in me being on the phone with John my whole way home, a full hour. He was funny. Kind of a country boy. Charming. And he stayed on the phone and comforted me while I talked about the loss of my aunt and problems my father was having. He was warm and silly. I really appreciated how he talked about his children and some of his own problems.  I heard him say to me "a lot of women on those apps like me, but something is intriguing about you." In feeling guilty about my pushing back our date, we agreed to meet the following day. He'd told me that he was planning to move to another city in the southeast for his job within the next few weeks, and I suggested that we visit IKEA so that he could look at furniture.

The following day, we were on the phone for nearly an hour as he navigated Atlanta traffic, which he was unfamiliar with. We met at IKEA and immediately bonded. He'd told me a bit about his previous relationship. He was vulnerable with me. I loved that. I'd dealt with so many men who refused to acknowledge, let alone work on their own issues, that it was refreshing to hear a man admit to his own struggles, while not sounding like a bitch.
After IKEA, I agreed to give him a tour of the city. While in transit, I noticed that he'd had Marvin the Martian as his phone background, a thing I loved, as Marvin has been my favorite cartoon character since childhood, to the point where my work computer and work mug both prominently feature Marvin. We rode in my little whip all over town, as I drove him around downtown, Buckhead, and even tried to take him to the Juicy Crab in Austell (far away lol). We settled on a Zaxby's for dinner because of the long line. He'd talked a bit more about his intended move and a bit more about his previous relationship. He was dealing with a lot. And I saw it. But I was enthralled.
My aunt's funeral was in another 2 weeks and in North Carolina. Since John has a fancy job with a major hotel chain, he allowed me to use his discount to get a room. I was smitten by the gesture. We were supposed to see one another before I left, but our schedules never allowed that. He moved while I was away. I asked him how the hell we'd manage to stay in touch if he lived 3+ hours away. He assured me that we'd be able to.

He made it easy to adore him. He would text me "good morning" every day. I made sure to tell him that I loved waking to the greeting. He made sure to continue doing it. We'd finally settled on a time for me to visit him. In my haste, I decided to drive on up a day early. Apparently, we did not communicate well about when would be the best time for that. I'll be honest here, John was a dick the whole time. What was supposed to be a 3 day boo fest with my #HotelBae ended up with me leaving after exactly 24 hours with him.
                                 
I was beyond perplexed. What happened? Where was the John I'd gotten to know? Where was my #HotelBae who was loving and funny? I didn't know. I talked to several of my friends, trying to figure it out. No one knew exactly, but the consensus among my loved ones was that they were glad I stood up for myself and left early, as soon as I knew it wasn't serving me.
I'll be honest though. I missed him. I missed sending him random text messages and memes throughout the day. I missed his good morning text messages. More than anything, I simply missed us.
We agreed that we'd stay friends when I left his home when I was angry, but I had no idea how that would look. Against my better judgement, I texted him hello a few days later. An hour or so after, he responded to my text. We were both kind of standoffish initially. But soon into our texting, we were back in the same space. A few days later, I began receiving my good morning texts again. I had no idea what it meant for us, but I welcomed it.
Soon after, we'd began talking about visiting again. I wanted to, but I was cautious. I told myself firmly that if I went back and he was an asshole again, there absolutely would be no third visit. I insisted we talk first to find out exactly where things broke down. John immediately apologized to me, and admitted that he'd have to do better in communicating with me. He shared that he was having a difficult time at work and (clearly, hotels are struggling right now) and didn't communicate directly some of the things he was feeling, and he was further irritated at my lack of the hints he'd thrown. He identified that I don't really do well in recognizing hints,  because I honestly require people to be pretty blunt with me. I admitted that yeah, I don't do well at catching hints, signs, or innuendo, you have to damned near draw me a road map to explain yourself. He stated that after our row, he took time to reflect on having to communicate with me better in the future. I really appreciated his candor, apology, and recognition of my communication style.

So we were good again. In the midst of all of this, on top of all else, one of my favorite singers/songwriters, Bill Withers passed away. I wept. Not Bill. Anyone but Bill. In my emotional haste, I texted John and asked him to be my boyfriend, and we'd simply figure the rest out later. He responded that he wanted us to spend more time getting to know one another because he didn't want to have another moment where I walked away. I told him that I would not ask again (and I mean that!), but I was touched at hearing him say that he never wanted us to experience a blow up like that again. Damn yo, this guy really seems to want things to work out with me.
The time rolled around for me to visit John again. And he was an angel the whole time. When I arrived, I'd brought dinner for us, which he promptly plated and served to me. The following morning, he'd made breakfast for us. We cuddled and sat around his house the whole day, watching movies. We'd talked about our favorite movies and songs. We both shared our love of the music group, The Temptations. He made me laugh the whole time. He was on the phone, dealing with family issues, but he never made me feel neglected or ignored. It was definitely the #HotelBae that I'd come to adore.

So that's where I am currently. I don't know if John is my "one" but he's definitely a sign for me that leaving what no longer serves me, standing my own ground, and standing up for myself will get me closer to where I need to be. John made a statement that if I hadn't left early the first time, we would have had a great trip to Birmingham, where his family is located. I reminded him that we were both pretty irritated at the time, and further time together would have just led to arguments and resentment. Plus, if I hadn't left, there would have been no further reflection for both of us. I left because I clearly needed to. It actually brought us together. He too admitted that my leaving early was a good thing.
I am finally learning the proper time to listen to my brain and my heart, and let my vagina just chill and let the other parts of me lead. It's about damned time.