A Brand New Me

The last month has been something else. The last 3 months in particular, but the last month has really been the kick in the teeth. Freaking Mercury Retrograde. I used to not pay much attention to such things, but working with individuals with mental illness has completely shown me how real this stuff really is. I really don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start with the Mean Girls shit.

A former friend of mine turned on me one day. Like straight up flipped. I know that it had to do with her jealousy of me, which is crazy to think, simply because my life ain't really shit to be jealous of. To be fair, it wasn't so much my life, it was more so the fact that I have an active dating life. When we were friends, she'd occasionally let it slip that she wished she had the male attention that I have, and I always made it a point to let her know that all that glitters ain't gold. Sure, guys wanna fuck me, and guys love to spend time with me, but none of them are serious. But she didn't see that. She'd even say to me, I'd like to know what it's like to have a guy just want to fuck me. I'd even told her about how when I lost 30 lbs, I learned quickly that these men wanted to fuck me, and that number increased, but that was it. I had the same financial problems, all of that. No one was proposing to me, no one took me on serious dates, I was the same person, with the same problems, just skinnier. And she still said "I'd like to know that feeling."

You'd think that after my previous experiences with jealous friends, that I'd know to cut this bitch before she became toxic. Funny enough, before shit got too bad, I'd gotten a feeling about her that reminded me of my former best friend who also turned out to be jealous of me. But I didn't listen. One day, she literally just flipped out of nowhere, and that was that. She'd occasionally put forth a public display of being nice, but whenever I followed up and tried to have a serious discussion, she'd dodge me. She knew what she was doing, but nevertheless, she played the game publicly of being oblivious.

We'd chatted briefly and I thought we were in a space to heal things eventually, but no, she was still on her bullshit. Things came to a head at a mutual friend's event. Not gonna lie, I got into my car and wept. I couldn't believe that someone I'd been nothing but supportive to could be so fucked up to me. Later on, one of her minions made the mistake of making a snide comment on my Facebook post about her. And I let it RIP!! Since I'd abandoned any desire to maintain that friendship, I was finally free to say EVERYTHING that I'd been too classy to release previously. At the end of my response, I stated that would be the last time I would publicly address that and her, and I meant it.

Of course, that's when the Reehive went in on me. I knew that if I read their responses, I'd just want to go back and forth, and I'm just not in that space in my life. Funny enough, the woman who held the event that I'd left in tears from inboxed me, and offered me a lot of support after seeing what was happening. I called a good friend of mine and asked her to log into my facebook account and clean up, delete, whatever needed to be done on that post. My friend then said that she was going to block one of the rees. I told her to do whatever, I wasn't going to read it, I just refused to indulge in it. I was feeling Lil Duval on a whole new level. I said I'm not going back and forth, and I meant it.

I'm not going back and forth with y'all. And I didn't. I'm sure they consider my lack of engaging a victory. Truth is, I don't give a shit. My life is in a good space, my spirit is good, my child is healthy, my health is good. No need to engage in the negative. I didn't and I won't. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. The wild thing is that I genuinely feel lighter. Since I let go of what was obviously a toxic friendship to begin with, I'm free to move forward. My lesson from that situation was to be the bigger person because arguing takes too much effort, and not to surround myself with people that are low-key jealous.

I happened to have a come-to-Buddha with myself recently, and I discovered that I'd let way too many people around me be comfortable with my discomfort. With so many men, and even some friends and family members, I'd simply shut up and not speak up for myself, all for the sake of maintaining the peace. And the result of that was men, friends, and family that would routinely disrespect me, all because I gave them the impression that was okay. So I was suffering silently, so that others could cold be comfortable. And that was my fault. And it now falls on me to end that pattern.

Next up is Ted. We'd ended things, because we were obviously in a different space. And I loved (and still love) him immensely, but I'm just not the same woman. It's not just the dates. I want a future. I want security. I want affection. We called it quits 2 months ago, but we still occasionally text, and I let him know quite honestly that I miss him. I miss us. But I'm not the same woman. I let him know that I'm not trying to be a friend with benefits, nor a cut buddy for the rest of my life. I've got so much to offer, and I deserve more. And for the first time in my life, I'm  willing to walk away and be alone until I get exactly what I deserve.

Ted and I talked recently and he said to me "you've changed, and I've stayed the same." I let him know that yes, I've evolved. I'm not the same woman you met 5 years ago.

If we do get back to dealing with one another, an occasional date just to shut me up, followed by 1 year of no action will not suffice. I want to be with a man who actually wants to date me. Not just a man who will do it to shut me up. Not a man who I have to drag out. I deserve dates. I'm fucking incredible. And that's not just me tooting my own horn, but even if I am, so what? Am I not allowed to say that I'm the shit? And it ain't just dates. Where do we stand long-term? I'd like us to explore that, to look at it. I need him to be open to it. The complication is that Ted has truly become one of my best friends. He's been amazing in the field of emotional support. So can we bring that forward?

And truth be told, Ted ain't the only one getting this version of me. All men that I meet are going to be met with the same expectations. Dating, affection, future plans, growth, all of that. I don't want to end up marrying some guy just because we have history. I want to be with a guy I can actually make history with. The unfortunate thing is that I now make a decent amount of money and I continue to run into men that don't make quite the same amount. And truth be told, it ain't that much. I make enough to take care of myself and my son. So any guy making less than me will probably require some coaching to get his coins up. And I'm 39-years-old, I don't really want to be chasing after a dude and be his rock while he figures out his career. There was a good friend I almost got with recently, but the truth is that he was still building parts of himself that I was willing to help him with. And truth be told, I'm glad that fell apart. Because I love him and wish him the best, but I'm not his therapist.

When I was breaking up with baby daddy (a.k.a. El Cluster Fucko) one of my friends said that the song "Brand New Me" by Alicia Keys reminded her of me. I'll be honest and admit that I was hesitant to check it out. But I listened to it. And it made me cry. And I recently pulled it back out. And it still makes me cry. Because this is me now. And I love it.

It's been a while, I'm not who I was before
You look surprised, your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
Can't be bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Careful with your ego, he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God know something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need, why you mad
It's just the brand new kind of me

It took a long long time to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, don't be surprised

if i talk a little louder
If I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller
I'd be known to you too long
If you noticed that I'm different
Don't take it personally
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Oh, it took a long long road to get here
It took a brave brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised

Hey, if you were a friend, you want to get know me again
If you were worth a while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm too busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah

I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your okay
I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave
Now, my heart is open
And I can finally breathe
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of free
That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me
Don't be mad, it's just a brand new time for me