The Downside of Attraction

So I've been pretty honest with my struggles of my appearance, my weight, finally being accepted as "cute" all of that. But I'm not sure if I've really delved into the downside of attractive appearance. Some people would certainly be in their right to say "but you aren't that cute" and it would be hard for me to disagree with them. Whenever my female friends comment about the quality and frequency of men that are attracted to me, I assure them that my outgoing personality and sexual energy play a lot into it. But there is definitely a downside too.

For instance, I work with individuals who have mental illness, teaching life skills. Last week, I found myself in an awkward situation when one of my clients (who has a history of getting inappropriate with Staff) tried me. I kept my cool and alerted my supervisor about it immediately. I'm thankful that my supervisor offered me support in moving forward, but that wasn't exactly a situation that I'd enjoyed. Another client has a tendency to hover around me and I often have to redirect his eyes and his attention. I even had to button my shirt to the top button (it was a traditional button down, but the top two were undone) when I saw him trying to peek down my blouse when standing over me at my desk.

I let everyone know up front, I may suck at maintaining some boundaries, but the last damned thing I need is going to jail for getting inappropriate with clients. I have zero need and desire for it. As a matter of fact, just the other day I told my boss how I purposely avoid many of the clients in the drug and alcohol clinic side of my building, all because I'm aware of my sexual energy and poor boundaries and I don't want anyone to start anything or claim any funny business. Being attractive in my field can cost you your job and your peace of mind if you aren't careful.

I recall how a few years back, I'd lost 30 pounds. Lord, you couldn't tell me nothin! But the fact is that at the time, all I saw was my stomach that refused to shrink, despite the rest of me being obviously smaller. Men liked me more, granted, but none of them were serious with me, I just had more men wanted to fuck me. No wedding proposals, no actual dates, they just all wanted one thing. I thought that losing 30 pounds would change my life. The unfortunate truth is that I had all of the same problems, I was just skinnier. What a blow.

Another thing that sucks about being attractive is how much men will lie, cheat, and steal (even once I gained my weight back) just to get some ass. Its frustrating to think that I have a real thing with a guy, only to quickly realize that the only thing he wants is to bed me for a night. I also hate that people take one look at me and assume they know all about me or assume that I have nothing intelligent to bring to the table. Granted, I certainly have moments of being a ditz, but I'm far from stupid.

I've gotten to the point where I make sure that the people closest to me have good self esteem, because if they don't they'll eventually start to do some underhanded shit just to do me in. And I'll be honest, it hurts like hell when someone you thought was cheering you on was secretly not only hoping you'd fall, but you eventually find out they're the one that pushed you.

This goes for men too. Yes, I'm a flirt. But the fact is that when I'm serious about a man, I put him first. Now that I'm getting older and a bit more settled, I'd like a man who accepts that Malika is a social butterfly. Men always seem to love that about me in the beginning, but then they grow to resent me for knowing a lot of people and attracting male energy.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not complaining. Being attractive has its perks, I get invited to parties, men like me back, I do great in job interviews, and people are naturally more comfortable with me. But much like a person with a lot of money, it also means that I have to watch my back a lot more than some other people. And I have enough shit to worry about as it is.

Shaking and Moving- Malika Today

Hello world! Hard to believe its been nearly a month since I last blogged. I wish I could say that I've completely gotten Fred out of my system, but I'd be lying. I unfriended him on all of my social media platforms. I had to. It was difficult as hell to look on Facebook and Instagram and see his face. I'd completely forgotten about some years ago, but he'd pulled this shit previously. I couldn't recall when or why, but I'd vaguely remembered a time when he called me and I was hella pissed. I could almost hear the lump in his through when he said "this is Fred."

But then it hit me. A few years back, he'd done the same thing. He disappeared. I couldn't figure it out. Just *poof* and he was gone. No responses, no nothing. I'd called our mutual friends to see if I'd done something, was he okay. No one knew anything, except that he seemed okay when they talked to him. And then as I finally started to move on with my life, he called me out of nowhere. I could tell that he knew he'd fucked up being gone so long. I heard it in his voice. He normally speaks with confidence, but at that moment, he was sheepish. Almost hat-in-hand.

And 3 years later, here we are again. I'd said earlier that our last blow up was nasty. But somehow in my spirit, I know he'll pop back up when he's ready. The only difference is that Malika from 3 years ago hadn't yet gone through the intense grieving/reflection period that Malika Today has. So Malika Today is a lot more focused on the future. Malika Today travels, and works, and studies for her licensure exams, and brunches and shit. I have examined this shit in and out and I know that I can do (and have done) way better than Fred. But here I am, temporarily allowing myself to remain stuck in this mental place. But I'll give myself credit today, because I'm recognizing that this is a temporary mental place that I am in and I will not remain here forever. I've learned that is the key. To take ownership of your feelings, and allow yourself to feel how you feel, but allow yourself to move forward as well. No staying stuck. So here I am, moving through this space.

Coincidentally, while I was visiting Los Angeles, my first day there, before Fred arrived to my hotel, I'd began began watching the show Mad Men on Netflix. I completely get why it was such a successful show. In the middle and toward the end of it there were moments of calm, set in California, depicted in the show, that could never happen in the ever-moving office environment of Sterling Cooper. And once I got home while still watching the show, I got it so much. California was beaches, warmth, relaxation. And if the planets aligned properly, I'd like to be there as well. I don't believe I talked about it on here, but while in Cali and visiting Yosemite National Park, I got really lost late at night and easily could have driven off a cliff, not because I wanted to, but because of those curvy roads and lack of street lights. It was a pretty frightening night for me, but despite it all, I'd like to return to Yosemite next year to go camping. This time I'd actually be prepared for it.

So yes, I'm planning to return to L.A. Fred doesn't know this, and I know its for the best. I have definitely done better. And I will continue to do so.