Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Revolution and Evolution

I failed to mention it, but I made a small road trip to Birmingham, Alabama a couple of weekends ago. I was amazed at the beauty that the state held. I didn't expect to see mountains. I went with a homeboy of mine and the conversation was amazing. My friend was a bit less adventurous than myself, but he was a good sport, humoring me with the random sidebars I continued to bring. At one point, on the way back, I pointed at the large, looming Bass Pro Shop and suggested we stop in. Like the champ he is, he came along.
While in there, we laughed and gawked at the taxidermied animals. I can't believe it, but it all made me miss Steve. I shared with my friend my experience with Steve and how I was seriously considering a walk down the aisle with dude, but I got sick of having to fight for him to give me the basic things I needed. Then further back down in our trip home, we passed Talledega where thousands of people were in the parking lot, camped out. We saw so many trailers and grills, all laid out. Again, it made me miss Steve. I kind of enjoyed his outdoorsy ways. I wanted so badly to stop on in and visit all of the tailgaters, but I knew I'd be out of my element. I missed Steve.

Truth be told, I still think of him on occasion. But a year was more than enough time for me to reconcile that how we operate doesn't mesh well. I came to see that he'd never do the things that I needed him to do. He thought it was cute and funny to continue to deny me simple things like dates. He thought it was hilarious to irritate the shit out of me by ignoring my wishes and calling me at ungodly hours to do things when he knew that I was unavailable. Laugh-fucking-riot. And then he ignored my wishes for the last time and dropped this huge armoire. Yeah, no. Steve and I ain't happening again.
During my moments of reflection, I began to think about Luke again. I know I was kind of harsh in my "cut him off!" post from earlier, but I just couldn't let it go. Not yet at least. The more I thought about it, the more I reflected that Luke has been the most healthy "relationship" that I've had. We were reciprocal and supportive. We laughed. I truly feel like we could be something more, with some real effort on both ends. I needed to know where his head was. So I called him and finally just asked in so many words what he wanted from me and what his expectations were. He admitted that he's still reeling from things with his wife, but he's making progress. He also admitted he cared deeply for me and that he's broken a few hearts along the way as he heals from his pain, and that he didn't want me to be among the hurt and cast aside. He listed off the traits about me he likes and admitted that he looks forward to being with me physically.  I melted.

Luke and I came to the agreement that we'd just go on a hiatus. No cutting it off completely, but scaling back until we were both in a space to figure out how things would go. I'm okay with that. Very okay.

And in an odd twist of fate, Steve sent me a Facebook friend request. Truthfully, I thought he was still blocked. Damn, I just realized that I unblocked him the other day. Oh well. I keep seeing that invite. I'm not doing it though. Yeah, I love Steve, but I'm over the revolving door that was our relationship. I want something thorough. Something peaceful. Something happy. A relationship that makes me feel loved, not ignored and irritated. I've evolved. About time.

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