Sunday, January 8, 2017
I met him at a party a year ago. I just sat down near a guy and we started talking about our lives. I talked about this huge push to start a food pantry on campus and a few other passions about life. He looked at me and said "you're incredible." Despite my frequent discussions and thoughts about my refusal to have more children, I literally imagined him holding a Baby Bjorn carrier, with our beautiful brown baby with a head full of curly dark hair, while pushing our other lovely brown child in a stroller. How could I get more of him? I went to the host and asked about him. She told me that not only was he taken, he was also taken by a woman I'd happen to know from around the way. I knew to abort mission immediately.
Days passed and he stayed in my mind. The connection was real. I called my friend again to inquire about him. The song "Prototype" played in my mind whenever I thought of him. He was that. My prototype for my perfect mate. My friend told me that truthfully, he was going through a lot of problems in the relationship, but it remained that he was spoken for. She then told me that he really is an incredible catch and although he was unavailable, the fact that I'd picked a guy like him suggested that I was closer to finding the man I'm destined to be with. I licked my wounds and moved on.
I saw him a year later at the annual party. Just as it was time for us to leave (I was the driver for myself and some friends) he walked in. My heart leaped. I hadn't seen him since we first met. He gave me a huge hug and wrapped his long arms around me. I melted. It felt so right to be with him. I left him briefly to tell my friends to shut the hell up and that although it was 2 in the morning, we were leaving when I was damned well ready. (Okay, it didn't quite go like that, I begged them for more time cuz this was a once in a lifetime opportunity). I sat down on a couch next to him and confessed that I'd never stopped thinking about him, even though he was spoken for, and while I had no intentions of getting with him while he was spoken for, I wished him well. He admitted that our conversation a year ago was heavy and that he'd been smitten as well. I sat next to his tall frame and felt the most at peace that I'd been in ages. My friends, being the loving assholes they are, took a pic of us on that couch. I've looked at it almost daily since then.
My friends sat across from us, loudly counting down the minutes. I knew I had to be to work at 9 am. I didn't give a shit, I needed my time with him. He confessed that his situation was different this time around and suggested we stay in touch. I was hesitant. But I gave him my number, expecting to never hear from him again. He texted me at 4 am and told me to lock his number in. He didn't have to tell me twice.
That was a month ago. We've hung twice since then. He gives the best hugs. I love how it feels when he holds me. He kisses me like its the last time we'll see one another. I feel like a giddy little girl when I'm with him. Those are the things that tell me that I could love him for a thousand years and then a thousand more. He holds open doors and calls me dear and darling. We've shared our innermost thoughts and fears. I told him that no matter what, we have to remain at the very least, friends. He agreed.
Then there's the other stuff. Can't put out too much info without identifying him. But I'll say this. He's a few years younger than me and I can definitely see and feel it. I'm finishing up school, thinking heavily of my next career move. I've got a child and as much as I try not to, I mention him a lot because naturally my child is a major part of my inspiration. He's focused on other career moves, which aren't quite as stable as mine, but still very lucrative. And yes, its legal. He also has no child so he has no real reason to be as stable and grounded as I am. I can't fault him for that, I guess. But as things remain where they are, and while he makes me flutter, I think back on my last conversation with my cousin Jarronn. How when I'd asked about how he knew his wife, Jessica, was "The One," he said that being with her was "easy." And those words have guided me in many ways since then.
My time with Party Guy (just figured that new name for him) is fun and whimsical but isn't always what I'd call easy. Loving him as a person definitely is. He's so smart, strong and childlike. I feel like he gets me. And I could see us growing and building together. But at this moment, I damned sure wouldn't describe us as "easy." I need it to be. My life is busy and complex enough without being irritated at circumstantial shit that happens. Its not even another woman. Its just who he is. Maybe he's still just growing. Maybe we need another year apart. My heart wants him in the bed next to me, as I type this on my laptop on this cold Sunday morning. My brain is showing me a large, flashing stop sign. This isn't easy. And it should be. Shouldn't it?