Saturday, April 23, 2016

Processing Processes

My counselor dumped me. Not really, but I joked with her about my neediness and told her that having her baby and going on maternity leave at this present time doesn't work well for me. She laughed, but I was only half joking. *sigh* Now I'm stuck to work this out on my own. She pointed out to me that I have a lot of negative self-speak, which is true, so I'm trying to work on not speaking so negatively of myself. I guess I'm doing okay at it, but I'm surprised at how much I have to change my words around now to not kick myself.

Anyway, the issue with the classmates that was small, got a tad bigger. Yeah, it got nasty. It stemmed from the fact that I had a group project (and who doesn't simply love those? *sarcasm*) where I was made out to be a monster because of my unwillingness to drive all the way up to the school in the later hours, because I am a mother first and foremost. To be fair, I was initially available, but the first day, things were cancelled because member Shay was coming back in town from a cruise and didn't make it. The second meeting, she strolled in 45 minutes after we were supposed to start, and was surprised when I had to leave at my scheduled time, again to get my child. Hey, not my fault she was late.

The following weekend, I was available, and was told that no one wanted to meet the weekend. So, on my end, I did what I could, but I was not willing to drive nearly an hour through rush hour traffic, when I had mommy sh*t to tend to. I was available via email, phone and text messages, but that wasn't sufficient. I drew my line in the sand. Motherhood came first, and it will continue to do so.

Afterwards, Shay began a smear campaign against me, to the point where several of my classmates let me know that she'd mentioned (or ragged on) how I attempted to complete our project last minute (an absolute LIE). I was not happy. I avoided her. Truth is, I did  more for Shay than she'd done for me. As often happens in my life, I was the first person she called when shit hit the fan. Why? Because I'm cool under fire. I may be an emotional mess in my own life (I know, negative self-talk there), but as it pertains to the lives of others, I'm the epitome of keeping shit kosher. Yet again, reminiscent of things with my sisters.

Anyway, things warmed slightly, and I could tell that Shay wanted to keep things okay with me. And I wouldn't blame her, because she knew that despite it all, I'm a good person and I'm an asset to a person's team. I was warm, but remained distant.

The other day, Shay had a presentation. I may be exceptionally adorable, but sometimes my mouth and my intentions don't always come together. I asked a question that she wasn't prepared for. Wasn't my intention, but apparently she didn't consider a budget to start an after school program. I didn't realize how much the question was considered bad business until I heard a classmate gasp. (Oh shit.) Afterwards, another classmate warned me not to ask anymore questions to the presenters. For the rest of class, I kept my mouth shut.

I already knew how she'd be thinking. That I "threw shade" (I'm a grown ass woman, I don't throw shade, I insult you directly to your face). Regardless, I knew it was coming. The cackling, all of it. To try to lessen the impact of what I'd done, I shot her a text message to apologize and let her know that I'd had no ill will and it was an honest question, taken wrong. She responded by telling me that she believed that I did mean to trip her up (it was a sloppy ass presentation, who creates a non-profit without doing a soft budget for start up?!)

My response was to let her know that its not in my spirit to be mean or malicious and that I was kind of irked to think she'd believe I'd try to do that to anyone. At which point she texted me (yes, this is all via text) that we simply "think different" and that she'd take the high road and that I'm fake and yadda, yadda, yadda. She also mentioned that "karma is a bitch." My ears perked up. "NO THIS BITCH DIDN'T" was my first response.

I pretty let her know that yeah, we do think differently, simply because I don't take cruises in the middle of the semester and expect others to cover for me, I don't subscribe to notions of "good hair" as she did, and as an extra dig at her low-brow antics, I also mentioned her penchant for asking her petty dope boy boyfriends to pay for her cheap ass party outfits. Yeah, low blow, but I was tired of her mouth. Tired of trying to be the bigger person. I was starting to feel like the only thing I'd done in being nice to her was to give her the impression that I'm weak. Slow? Somewhat. Weak. NEVER.

So yeah, shit's been awkward. As I try to work on myself and my dis-ease with conflict, I talked to a mutual colleague who suggested mediation. I told my colleague that quite truthfully, I didn't see much value in maintaining a relationship with her. As elitist as it sounds, I didn't see much value in her. I didn't talk much about what lead me to be frosty toward her in the end, but I was frosty before the stupid group project. Cordial, but definitely didn't consider her in my inner bubble by then. She'd made some mean comments about a guy I was seeing and I knew then that she was un-bubbled.

So I'm wondering why I feel the way I do. I don't regret a damned thing I said. She totally had it coming. I honestly tried to explain to her that I didn't have bad intentions, but to be called malicious and intentional in my absentmindedness was the last straw. She deserved it. I'd do it again. To be quite honest, I wish I'd said other fucked up things about how she lives her life, but at this point it would be overkill. But trust me, there was more ammo. Just didn't feel like typing it all. Text buttons are so small.

And understandably, she unfriended me on Facebook and even blocked me. Not surprised or unnerved by that. Like I said, I didn't see much value in her. She was an emotional vulture. I also considered her a little "below" the things some of my classmates like to do in the great city of Atlanta. I guess my only regret is that I had to do it. I had to take it there. Lord knows I didn't want to. I've been letting her slide all damned semester. Like I said, I think that for me, it goes back to that sister shit. I tried hard to be the higher person. I even humbled myself in the face of fucked up comments, hoping to make things better. I know her feelings are hurt. I'm not happy about that. But again, I wish she'd learned to shut the fuck up and leave well enough alone. But you know what? I won't be swayed by this. I've got shit to do.

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