Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Breaking Eggs

No clue what the hell is going on, but the last 48 hours have been insane. It started out Sunday. I was working, when a cute temp from another location came in. We locked eyes and he was a hottie. I asked his age and he said 25. I knew I couldn't do it. Lord knows I wanted to, but he was far too young and I couldn't stand to be known as the woman that only dates far younger men. Long story short, I found out he's related to the young guy I'm already dealing with. Ouch. And ew.

I texted my young friend about it and he laughed. I couldn't believe it. What are the odds that the cute new stranger that I'm batting eyes at is related to my youngin? I couldn't deal. I told a girlfriend of mine, who is familiar with my relationship with Youngin, and she giggled and started singing "Its a Small World Afterall." I'm still in shock. A part of me felt like it meant something. I mean what are the odds? But if so, what? What was it telling me?

Fast forward to the next day, where I attended a meeting with my counselor. Fred was kind enough to drop me off at school while he used my car to run errands, leaving me there with her to sort through my emotions. I was having a small conflict with some classmates over an assignment, and although not a big deal, while discussing it with her, I realized that the conflict was closely related to issues stemming from childhood. The fact is that my default when dealing with conflict is to shut down. I don't have a middle mode on it. And if you don't respect me shutting down, I explode and go off. Its true. And its unhealthy.

While talking to my counselor, I also talked about Fred and his visit. She was surprised that I hadn't mentioned him earlier and said that while he's pretty and shiny, he's filler. He and I can never be married and I know it. But dammit, he's so sexy. Got an ass you can bounce quarters off of. He's smart and funny. My son loves him. But still, it ain't happening. Nevertheless, I went in talking about about a small tiff with my classmates, only to discover that I can't deal with conflict, back to bullshit from my sisters. What the incredible hell? The counselor also said that I revert to childlike nature when I'm conflicted. SHIT. Last week, I said to her "I'm a mess." She looked at me and blinked. She didn't say "no, Malika, you're fine, everyone has issues." Nope, she allowed me to own it. Wow. I left out with a greater understanding of how deep my issues go. Not pretty, but workable.

 After class, I went out to meet not just Fred, but my bestie Sky as well. We were almost on the freeway when I asked Sky if he wanted a veggie wrap and he did, so off we went. We pulled up and I saw them. My ex's psychotic baby mama, and my former friend. My default was to shout out "FAT BITCH!" but I couldn't because it went against what I am now. But I was stunned. I stayed in the back seat and ducked until they'd pulled off. They saw me and if they didn't, they saw the tall nut job that is my bestie. Fred wondered why I'd ducked. Sky was confused and surprised. The good news that old girl looks a hot ass mess and the vehicle she's in shows that times are hard. Part of me wishes I'd stood there, looking good as hell. Weight loss, nice car (and its MINE!), hair twisted nicely, gotta admit, I was pulled together. And my ass ducked. Why? All I could do was wonder what was in the air. Sky and I laughed about the oddness of it all. Fred wondered which was my ex's baby mama. I told him the big one. He tried to be nice, but his face said it all. Wow. And not in a good way. Call it what you want, but I won. Fuck that. School, connections, look, health, and room for growth. Kind of cathartic to think of it that way.

While there at the veggie shop, one of the admins at one of the schools in the Atlanta University Center who I had a brief with, tryst showed up 20 minutes after we arrived. Odd as hell. He and I hugged and chatted briefly. He looked nice. But it was getting to be a lot to take in. While at the veggie spot, I told Sky the things my counselor had pointed out to me. I told him I think I'm bad at conflict. "Duh" was his response. I told him that she said that I revert to childlike behavior when I'm conflicted. He reminded me that my apartment has become one giant coloring book. Dear God. I told him she allowed me to call myself a mess. He nodded in agreement. It was really starting to sink in. That same night, I was sick as hell. Vomiting and all. I rarely throw up. What the freak is going on?

The next morning, I started to really think. If I'm broken and looking for filler, maybe Fred is too. Maybe that's our connection, that we're both broken and its easier to be with one another loosely and accept our broken selves than to fix him. I know a bit of Fred's history, but not much. But damn, he's broken too. Him? Him. I spoke to him about it, and we acknowledged yet again how we could never marry. He's hung up on someone and there are things about his character that while I love, it could not be the man I'd need long term.

So I can only imagine what else awaits me. I'm big on signs and I think its incredible that all of these strange things are happening at the same time. I think the counseling is opening up something and ts something that I need. Definitely uncomfortable, but you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs. This better be one hell of an omelette.

No comments: