Monday, January 28, 2013

Inquiring Minds

It’s no secret to those around me that I’m in a beautiful place in life. No drama, no craziness, no stalkers, just me, my thoughts, my actions, my son, and my plans. Sometimes I sit and marvel at how incredible things are around me. I’ve dropped 20lbs so I’m down to 176 and I’m trying to lose 15 to 20 more.  I’ve met some wonderful people and all the while, the same trusted and true friends that I’ve always had have been right there with me through my journey.

                Truthfully, there are times where I wish my ex was around, times like when I think about my desire to attend the National Black Arts Festival Ball this summer. But I’ve simply chalked it up to me needing to find someone new to attend schmoozy events like that with. But overall when I think of the fact that there have been very little issues and hardly any tears since I left him alone, I know that no date night could be worth sacrificing my happiness all over again.

                There have been moments when I wonder what the hell my ex is up to, but then I remember that wondering and worrying about him is what kept me depressed and under his wing all those years so then I simply remind myself that whatever he’s doing is none of my damn business, and then I go back to being as fly as I am. I guess it’s safe to say that I’m doing some “me time.” I realized that due to a less than spectacular childhood, I think my sense of what love is supposed to feel like is warped. I’ve never gotten along with my sisters and truthfully I never really felt loved as a child. So with that, I became the kind of person that gave the undying love that I wanted to receive, however I put up with a lot of shit from others because somehow in my mind, love was supposed to be rocky.

                Since my separation from my ex, I’ve realized that I needed a serious reprogramming in terms of what love is supposed to feel like. Sure, I meet men constantly, but lately I simply find charming ways to delicately let them know that I’m not available. On the rare times when a man truly dazzles me (and it did happen when one man went out of his way to write his name on a dollar bill to give to a friend to slide to me), I will exchange numbers with him but then I’ll quickly let him know that I’m not in a space to date seriously and that at this point, I think I’d be a horrible girlfriend. In the case of the man that slipped me his number on a dollar bill, he thanked me for my honesty and told me that he doesn’t plan to go anywhere as I work out my kinks. He asked me if I’d call myself “emotionally unavailable” and when I answered yes, he said he understood. I don’t know if he’d be considered a potential suitor, but the fact that he does not pressure me for time or sex shows me that I’m on the right path to getting better suitors.

                Sometimes I think about the things my ex said to me and I get angry all over again, however I’ve learned to channel it into making me a stronger person. I remember how as we were together he constantly complained about wanting his own life. After our last final blow up, I gave him his wish. No contact. NONE. We talk about our child and child support. I have absolutely no clue about his life and him none about mine. I don’t think I have too much excitement overall, but even when there is something noteworthy to deal with (and believe me, I have had a noteworthy experience), my ex is not in my inner circle of confidantes. Truthfully at that little moment I almost wished I could have told my ex, but I knew that he has never been a source of comfort when I needed it, so to confide in him now would be a lost cause.

After our blow up he told me he wanted us to go to counseling, but I declined. He said that he felt it would be best for Caleb, but I told him that Caleb is happy when his mommy is happy and right now his mom is elated with no contact and I wanted to keep it that way. My life has so much harmony. My ex never wanted me to have friends over when we lived together, but now that I live alone, my home is constantly filled with love and laughter from guests. My ex never wanted me to paint our walls, but now I’ve got brilliant color everywhere in my home. My ex never seriously wanted to buy a home, but now that is something that I’m hoping to have accomplished within the next 4 to 5 years. He invaded my blog and told me that my writing was stupid. I was in Ikea recently and met a woman that wants me to write for her webzine and my cousin Ali also wants me to pick up writing for him again. I’ve got a few business ideas that I hope to bring to life soon. Why the hell would I go back to a lying cheater when I have so much harmony in my life now?

A girlfriend of mine recently watched our son and promptly told me that when Deen came to pick up our son, he asked her how I was. I don’t know what kind of answer he thought he’d get, but she simply told him “Malika’s fine.” At a night club where another good friend is a doorman, again Deen asked how I was. Apparently my ex being the asshole he is made some quip about me and drama. My friend told my ex “Malika’s in a good place. She’s focusing on herself and seems to really be focused on not having any drama in her life. I think she’s doing really well and she’s happy.” It was an honor to know that my friend told that to Deen. It was actually just an honor to know that my best friend felt that way about me period.

I find it hilarious that the man that spent years telling me that he wanted a separate life from me is now so desperate for information on me that he’s questioning my friends. The fact is that he spent a very long time acting as though I was completely below him. I guess when it comes down to it, I wasn’t that bad after all since he keeps up his inquiry.

And on the note of another person that is obsessed with me, it appears my insane stalker Chloe is still the woodworks, Googling me and trying to reach out to me on Facebook until I blocked her ass. What can I say? When you’re dope as hell and upwardly mobile, bored underlings have nothing better to do than inquire about the people they wish they had in their lives.

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