why is it so hard?

i love deen. god (if there is one) knows how much. but i'm exhausted. for the record i NEVER set out to be insulting, however, other parties want to say that they were insulted. i never even got the chance to apologize. if my intention was to air dirty laundry, believe me, there is quite a LONG list of dirt for me to dish out. but like i said that wasn't my intention. hell, if i wanted to be insulting, it truly wouldn't be that hard for me. i've never been the one to be challenged or to back down easily. if you want to talk to me, how about an invitation instead of just popping the hell up and DEMANDING to see me? being overbearing didn't work then and it sure as hell isn't going to work now. i've gotten my ass kicked for not bending easily and other times i've been victorious and admired for it. people hate me. i know it. do i care? hell no. for those that know and love me, they'll tell you that i'm honest, loyal, goofy, and loving. it hurts me to know that people have managed to distance themselves from my SON just because they have a problem with me. its fucked up. its okay though. i've been physically threatened, dragged to court, had my name dragged through the mud and through it all, i've wanted was peace. for people that feel that i'm such a bad person and whatever else, its all good. i know me, i know my heart, i know my intentions, and most importantly i know that i love my son. you are well within your right to distance yourself from him because you have a problem with me, but whether you like it or not I AM AND ALWAYS WILL BE HIS MOTHER.
hopefully those fools won't even see this. deen actually logged into my ACCOUNT and deleted my last couple of blogs and the one about us dating. little does he know that i've still got the one about us dating saved, and my plan is to repost it soon. i actually had to change up my profile info just to avoid these cats. this shit is insane. most of yall that check in here are writers also so you can imagine how mad i was to have my intimate thoughts destroyed just because someone that had no damned business reading my shit was doing that anyway. my head hurts. i'm tired. i just want someone to hold me. anyone but deen.

the gift and the curse

i've got a secret. okay, i don't really do secrets, but i'll say that i've got a confession. i talk to the dead. well, they talk to me. it started like this: on june 13, 1998 (the morning of my high school graduation) my cousin passed away. my dad and i flew up to her funeral while my sister and my mother drove up to jersey for it. dad dropped me off at my house while i waited for moms and sis to get back. as i unpacked my bag i looked up at the picture over my bed and i saw her staring back at me- my dead cousin, tracy. i pinched myself, i rubbed my eyes. i told myself that it wasn't her, but the fact is in the place where my face should have been in that mirror was instead the face of my dead cousin. time went on and i missed her. at times i'd be watching tv in my room and it would randomly turn off on its own. i knew it was her, i just didn't want to think about it.

one day while i was watching montel williams he had silvia brown there, telling the audience how to communicate with the dead. she said to turn off everything and just listen. so that's what i did. i turned off the television and i heard my cousin tell me that she's there with our grandmother that passed before i was born, that she wasn't there with her cousin, that she loves everyone, and that she's not concerned about how she looked in her casket (i should backtrack and say that my cousin looked absolutely hideous in a powder blue lacey dress and her hair was in some kind of curly mess). hearing those things from her brought me a lot of peace. but strangely enough i heard something else afterward. i heard "sebastian, uncle, father, brother james, sebastian, james, uncle, father, brother, sebastian, james." the only person i knew named sebastian was my friend, dj scorpio, but only scorp's close friends and family call him his birth name. who was this spirit? and how the hell did it know scorpio? i thought it was his father that died when scorp was 3. i meant to ask him about it but i kept forgetting. one day in my car i thought back on that and reminded myself to ask scorp about the "james" person. i asked aloud if it was his father. and i heard the word "uncle" repeating in my head. later on i said to scorp, "this may sound weird, but do you have a dead relative named james?" and scorp replied "yeah." and then i said "who was he?" and scorp said that james was his uncle. then i asked how james was his uncle. scorp told me that james was his father's brother. i wanted to pass out. how the hell did i know that?! scorp stared at me blankly and was unphased. but i'd just randomly had a friend's dead relative contact me, tell me his name, tell me how he was related to my friend.
next up, a friend of mine had the misfortune of having her mother pass away on christmas eve. some years later, i got a "message" from the mother that she wanted me to pass on to her daughter- she died on christmas eve and not christmas because she didn't want her daughter to associate christmas day with her death. she was also proud at how hard her daughter worked to support herself (the family is from haiti and my friend sends money back to her poor family regularly). my friend is a nurse that works several jobs leads a pretty financially stable life. anyway, her mother is quite proud of who her daughter became and she's still with her. i called my friend and started with "this may sound weird but i got a message from your mother..." i expected her to be like "what the hell are you talking about?! that shit is crazy!" but my friend told me that she believed that her mother said those things because that sounded exactly like something she would say and if i got any other messages from her mother, feel free to call her and let her know. the funny thing is that when i get a "message" from someone i get more amazed than the receiver when the message is eerily familiar to them.

in another case, the cousin of my friend was killed by police up in boston. one day i got a message from the cousin. it kept saying "grandma." i had never met the cousin at all. i called my friend and asked if the cousin was close to his grandmother and my friend replied that yes, they were close. i said well, "i got a message from your cousin and he's with his grandmother, please let her know." my friend said he didn't know if he wanted to pass on the message to his grandmother since she was a religious freak. what could i do? i was only the messenger. a while later i got a feeling from the cousin that he liked the color blue and he was into basketball. i asked my friend about those things and sure enough, the cousin liked blue and basketball. i asked if he'd passed on the message to his grandmother. he hadn't and he had no plans to do so. *sigh* well, at least i'd held up my end of the bargain.

the most eerie occurence happened with my homegirl's boyfriend's father. the father died and she called to tell me. she didn't want me to mention that his father had passed away so i didn't. we went to meet up with him and so help me, i could see the energy of his father with him. it was a soft light standing right next to him. i later got a message from the father. well it wasn't even a message. it was more of a vibe. he struck me as a man of few words. he was a strong communicator, but he was silent. he loved his kids. he was in a better place. he raised his son to be a man and he didn't want him to be sad. i can't really remember what the rest was. i told my homegirl that i've got the "gift" i don't really tell people about it unless it comes up and/or i have a message because frankly i get tired of people thinking that i'm crazy. anyway i told her that i have a message from the father and after thinking for a minute, she decided to tell her boyfriend and he got on the phone with me. i told him that i saw/felt his father with him when i saw him and i told him what i knew. that he was a silent man, strong communicator, better place, etc. he seemed kinda blank and thanked me. she called me later and said something that shocked the hell out of me. his father was silent because he'd had a tracheotomy. she didn't know that and nor did i until the boyfriend told us. there was absolutely no way for me to know how or why he was silent. scary.

i also passed on to my teacher that his mother was with him. actually i asked him if there was someone in his past who liked to bake, a matronly person. he said yes, his mother. and he went on to desribe her love of baking and keeping a warm kitchen going. i'd already had the picture and the feeling in my head before he even desribed it. i've had a few other incidents like this. my friend was talking about her dad on the anniversary of his death and told her about my gift and i relayed to her how his spirit was. its kind of scary how accurate i was. i told her that he was concerned about her health and he wanted her to monitor it.

in my own life, aside from my cousin, my son's spirit guide "george" was with me while i was pregnant. i don't know much about george. he just came to me and let me know that he was gonna keep an eye on my little booger for me. i know that george comes from deen's mother's side of the family. he was tall and strong and well respected in his community. i feel that he looked a bit like deen, only darker. his life was cut short, but i'm not sure how. he was also a bit of a ladies' man, although his heart was with his wife. i told deen about george and of course deen thinks i'm crazy, but i know that george is with caleb now, which is why i don't feel him anymore. its up to caleb to get to know him now.

the downside is when i try to tell people about their relatives but they're too blinded by religion or fear of the unknown to hear me out. recently i got a "vibe" about my friend's husband. his mother contacted me. her spirit was BEAUTIFUL. so beautiful i was moved to tears. you actually hear people try to label someone as a saint when they aren't but she was wonderful. she was so at peace. i truly hope that everyone could be who and what his mother is and was. i can see why her son was devestated by her loss. i called my friend to let her know to tell hubby that i had a message from his mother. i told her that his mother loved my friend and thinks she's great for him. she's also watching over their small daughter. i wanted to pass on her messages to him so much because i knew it would bring him peace. she called me later and told me that he had no desire to hear a message from his dead mother. i don't understand it. if your life (not him in particular, but anyone) is so messed up from the loss of the person most important to you, why not open your mind and your ears to move on and hear them out?

people sometimes ask me how they can talk to the deceased and i think its simply a skill that you have to hone. you can't hold on to religious philosophy of what is and isn't and you have to be willing to hear what you find out, even if it isn't what you expect. you have to ask questions and in my case, not be afraid to look like a total nutjob when you walk up to people and ask them/tell them about their dead associates. more than anything, just listen. i mean LISTEN. they're always talking to us. they always surround us. just pay attention. many of the crazy and random things that happen in life are the results of the spirit world. sometimes they go out of their way to get attention. i've had spirits throw thing to get my attention. when they do that, i simply say out loud "look, i know that you're here and i don't mind, just respect me and i'll respect you. no throwing knives or anything dangerous and please, for the love of GOD don't appear, that'll scare the hell out of me." and they seriously back up. they may continue to throw things to announce their presence, but as long its not thrown AT me and as long as they don't appear, i don't mind them moving things around.

once my floodgate opened, it was crazy how many people were trying to contact me. i seriously felt like whoopi goldberg in the movie "ghost." they were all talking to me at the same time and everything. i didn't get a moment of rest. at one point i was trying to sleep and i had to literally sit up and tell the spirits that i'd get to them when i could. now they're a lot more respectful and they don't all crowd me, but they do pop up on their own. sometimes i can call them when i want to, othertimes they just start talking to me. my dead cousin once whispered to me that she loves me. i felt the spirit of emmitt till. seriously. he was loud and playful. he's still the same 14 year old boy. wherever his spirit is, he doesn't focus on his ending. he's just the same jovial laughing, playing boy. i can seriously hear him laugh and talk. its kind of cool to know that people that have passed on don't focus on their endings, they focus on their lives. i guess the living could learn a lot from the undead.

i don't know if i believe in god and it scares me

i was raised as a non-practicing christian. we celebrated christmas and easter and that was about it. at the age of 18 i met a wonderful man that was a muslim. he introduced me to a new way of seeing spirituality and the world. from that point on, i considered myself agnostic. i believed in god, but i followed no particular religion. that worked well for me for the past 10 years. but a few months ago, i found myself wanting more. i'd always said that if i followed any particular religion in the future it would either be islam or buddhism. i liked that islam was about inner discipline while buddhism focused on inner peace. i wanted peace. i needed peace. i was so angry about all the stuff my ex put me through for years and then deen and his bullshit that i'd actually become violent against deen. its not something i was proud of but i swear there were times he pushed my buttons in a way that only he could. and i'd punch him. we'd always make up. i hated myself. i'd let 10 years of an emotionally abusive relationship with one idiot plus a 2 year relationship full of lies and jealousy with my son's father turn me into a volatile stranger. the woman that was once about peace and love would suddenly end up putting scratches and whatnot on the father of her child. what happened to me? i needed to center myself. i turned to buddhism.
it helped. i felt better. i didn't yell as much. one of the cool things is that buddhism isn't really a religion, its a philosophy. you can be christian and be buddhist. i was still able to hold on to my view of god being a higher power. because buddha isn't a "god" he's merely the only person (or the first) to reach enlightenment and tell others how to reach it. buddhism worked. i'm a buddhist.
but buddhism didn't answer everything. why did bad things happen to good people? why do good things happen to bad people? if there is a God how can people still suffer? if God really loves us, why would he make us suffer to prove our love and devotion to him? wouldn't that make God a sadist? what kind of person claims that they love you, yet puts you through all kinds of crap, and tells you that as long as you believe in them till the end, you'll be cool once you're DEAD? it made sense to me before, but now it seems kind of silly and impossible. suppose someone had a girlfriend that said "i love you like no other" to her dude. then she then burned down his house. she lent his ear whenever he needed to talk and stuff would be good for a minute. and then she'd get him fired from his job for some crap. but she still lent an ear. and whenever he said to her, "why are you putting me through all of this crap?" she replied with "just keep believing that i love you and eventually when you're DEAD you'll reap the benefit of our relationship." sounds stupid like that, huh? i've had people say to me "well you can't really say there isn't a God because you're in america and stuff could be worse." which brings me to another point. yeah, the government is pretty effed up here, but stuff could be way worse. my son was a whopping 10 lb 9 oz monster. because he was so big, i was unable to deliver him vaginally so i was given a c-section. i later asked a nurse what would have happened if i'd have had the same dilemma in a country that doesn't have as advanced medical care. she replied that the baby and i would have most likely died during birth. yeah, i was lucky, dare i say BLESSED to live in a place where a relatively simple procedure brought my son into the world safely. so what makes me so special that i'm deserving of a huge healthy baby and not women in underdeveloped nations? where was God for them?
when i think about some things its hard not to think there's a higher power looking at us. the light of my life, my son, was created during a simple act with his father. the baby was originally a single cell. and then he was the size of a grain of rice. and then he got bigger. and bigger. and once he was born he continued to grow. now he runs around the house saying "mumma" and "da-da." soon he'll be creating his own single cell. if there is no God, how can something is miraculous happen?
once it occured to me that there may be no God i felt TERRIBLE. i felt like i'd discovered that the only mother that i'd ever known was found to not be my mother. it was like i was adopted. i wondered where i came from. was there really a power that loved me? was i really on my own? it hurt like hell. i cried. i wanted to believe in God. i just didn't know how. no matter how much i wanted it to, it just didn't make sense anymore. i couldn't shake the feeling of knowing that my life is better than that of others (relatively) and i'm no better than anyone else, so why would i get better treatment cosmically?
on the good note, with me thinking that there's no God, i felt in control of my life. suddenly if there's no God to determine how my day is going, i'm the only one that determines it. it was up to me to determine my fate. rather than just blaming the heavens for my misfortune, it was on ME how and where i ended up. it felt good to know that it wasn't up to a random spook how things would go. it was my call.
i wish i could talk about God to people, but here in the south its hard enough to talk about there being a God that had nothing to do with jesus, but when i start talking about there possibly not even being a God people get personally offended. in other places the thought of there being no God may be a tad more accepted but here that's not something to sneeze at. so i'm alone. i wish i could bounce ideas off people, but i'm alone in my spiritual imbalance. is there a God? i don't know. but i wish i did.

why not to get involved with models

i've noticed that i blog about sex a lot and i really don't know why because its not like i'm missing it or anything. but sex is so fascinating. its something that most of us have in common in one way or another. after reading justjasmine's blog (http://aneverendingchase.blogspot.com/) today, i was inspired to share my own story of sexual disappointment. enjoy. because i sure as hell didn't.
i met him at a show that a friend of mine was having. he was cute. damned cute. a model. he was about 6 feet tall, green eyes, perfect body, he had locs that flowed down his back. and although he was a hottie, he really wasn't the kind of guy i normally go for. he was a little too "put together" if you know what i mean. so anyway, he was talking with a mutual friend when i walked up and when the friend left i was surprised that the model continued to talk to me. he's a model, what the hell would he want with me? so while i enjoyed the conversation, i made it a point to not be following the guy around all night. he actually clung to ME. i could not believe that a cute guy like this was actually kind of digging me. we exchanged phone numbers at the end of the night and agreed to hang out later.
we hung later and things were fun. we laughed a lot, talked about our hopes and dreams, he even cooked for me. and i didn't hear from him again. i didn't really sweat it when suddenly i'd call him and never even get a response. so imagine my surpise when i got an invitation to a party that he was throwing, but the invitation came through a mutual friend. i was NOT having it. i had no intentions of seeing the bastard. he couldn't even pick up the phone to invite me? not even. anyway the night of his party my buddy needed a ride there after the club event we were at so i ended up taking him and i decided to stick around for a while. the fucking model (the s.o.b. that hadn't talked to me in a month and didn't even call me to invite me to the party) kept pulling me into his bedroom to kiss me. and it was the worst kiss EVER. don't get me wrong, i'm a kissing slut so i'm always open for a smooch, but if you're gonna pull me away from the party, at least let the kiss be worth it. how can you not open your mouth? i was SO pissed. he kept telling me how nice i looked and trying to put his hand up my skirt. not hearing it.
even though we didn't get down that night, we became cool enough to hang out on occasion. he lived close to the outback steakhouse where i was working and occasionally i'd go by his crib when i got out of work. one night after work i decided to stop by his crib. somehow we got to talking about sex and i gave him a massage as the new alicia keys live cd played in the background. we started kissing. he pulled out a condom. there was NO foreplay. he just started. silence. no moaning. NOTHING. i didn't hear "how are you?" "tell me what you like" "whose is it?!" "what's my name?!" "whose your daddy?!" "put your finger in my ass!" NOTHING. it was him pounding away silently. and about 8 minutes later he just stopped. he just pulled out and walked into the bathroom. i asked if he came and he said yeah. lucky him, because i sure didn't. i left shortly thereafter and felt dirty, cheap and used.
the experience was bad enough but what was really ugly was that after the fact, once again, didn't hear from him. i understand not calling the next day but a week later i didn't hear from him still. i was LIVID. a few weeks later i called a mutual friend and i told her about the experience and she actually went back to him and told him what i'd said. i was ticked that my homegirl shared the info with him.
about 4 months later i ran into him in a club and we talked about the whole experience. he started by saying that i obviously wanted to seduce him since i came to his home without underwear on. i told him that it was simply laundry day, that's why i was missing undies. i also reminded him that i came to his home wearing my outback steakhouse uniform, straight from work. if i was planning to seduce a man i sure wouldn't be wearing that ugly ass uniform, straight from work, hadn't even showered yet, smelling like au jus. he accused me of trying to get next to his friends and coworkers in an attempt to stay close to him. wrong again. the friend who's number i had gotten, i'd originally met at his party before he and i slept together and i had nearly 300 phone numbers in my phone. i'm a social person. i'm able to get someone's phone number without there being some kind of sneaky ulterior motive.
he and i distantly stayed in the same social circles but i eventually gave up trying to be civil toward him. FUCK HIM. its not my fault that he's a bad fuck. he went out of his way to get next to me and then he had the nerve to change the story up to say that i was i had chased him and not vice versa. originally i felt bad that it got back to him that i said he's a bad screw, but i never would have said that (although i still would have thought it) if he hadn't gotten foul by never calling me back. yeah he was cute, but the big ass ego he had killed the whole thing for me. no more models. i'll take a regular looking dude with great sex over the model anyday. i can't listen to the alicia keys live cd to this day.