Yard Work, Fam!

When I was a kid, I vividly remember my father doing yard work on our home. He'd be out there, setting several small fires, to clear out the leaves and debris in our yard. And it never occurred to me that once my parents separated, the yard quality soon fell apart. When my mom, sisters, and I moved to our newer home, the only lawn maintenance was the occasional teenaged kid who came buy with a lawnmower, for $20, until my mom finally hired a regular lawn service.

Moving into my house was great, but it did not occur to me that I'd be on the hook for the lawn. I was blessed that my cousin, Tene, was moving into an apartment from a house, as I moved from an apartment into an house, and she allowed me to take all of her lawn items, including a leaf blower and lawnmower. I was initially nervous about maintaining my own lawn. I'd never mowed my own grass before, and I feared looking like a dork in front of my neighbors. I was even willing to pay my friends $50 to mow it for me, but to no avail. I guess grown ass folks aren't trying to be out there like that.

I finally tried to get out there to mow it for the first time, and I realized that my lawnmower wasn't working, so I called my cousin, Doc. He paid to get it repaired for me, and as a housewarming gift, he hired a friend to help him come and do yard work, including pushing back some brush in my back yard. Up to that point, I really hadn't paid attention to the back yard. I was just so happy to have a home, and I didn't really anticipate spending much time out there anyway, so what was the point, ya know?

Doc and his friend, Boobie, (actual nicknames- gotta love the South) went out there and began clearing the much grown-in back yard. There was even two metal clothes line poles that had long-since been covered by bush and vines, and I'd had no clue they existed. The two men worked hard, until a wasp nest was threatened and both took a couple of hits. They apologized for leaving a half completed job, but I was just ecstatic that my yard had at least been trimmed, they had nothing to apologize for.

Occasionally, I'd run into both men, and they'd mention the need to finish their work in the yard, and again, I'd assure them that all was well. When moving into my home, on of the first things I'd purchased was a rake, and since there are so many trees outside, I occasionally have to go outside and tidy things up, especially since the previous owners didn't do much to maintain things.

When Doc and Boobie were clearing the brush, they'd also created a small pile of wood logs. I'd planned to build a fire pit, but hadn't gotten to it. I'd also started collecting sticks as I found them, and put them in a separate pile. But one day, when weather turned, and the stack of twigs got big, I decided to burn them. And while burning them, I kept looking for other things to burn. My rake started getting more action. I looked at the downed trees that Doc and Boobie never got around to, and I bought a chain saw and broke them down myself. And into the fire those wood blocks went as well. And even though I'd completely burned my first set of downed branches, I soon had another pile.

My mentee, Bre, joined me for the first burn. While adding things, I started to look more at the brush Doc and Boobie had started on. I knew that my first rake wouldn't do the trick. I'd need one especially for digging out the land, so Bre and I walked into Lowe's, where I found it. We'd also looked at some pruners. And strangely, lately, whenever I have an hour or two between tasks, I find myself outside, either bagging up leaves or using my chainsaw to cut down branches. And after buying my pruner yesterday, I loved using it to clean up some of the tougher branches. It's almost like a high for me. 

Sometimes, I'll step back and admire all of the land I've cleared. It isn't a lot of land, about 4-10 feet, in various spots. I made it my goal to at least go back to the clothesline poles and expose them. I am willing and able to do more, but this fall, I saw deer outside several times, and I want to leave enough for them to saunter around. Yesterday, I finally got close enough to prune all of the ivy off of the clothesline poles. It was so cathartic.

The wild thing is how natural this feels. I was so hesitant to start doing any yard work, and just the other day, I literally ran outside during my 15-minute break at work, to bag leaves. It's almost like a drug for me! And as dig into this yard work even further, what amazes me the most is how no one ever taught me anything. My dad never said to me "come here and let me show you how to clear this out." Nope. Doc and Boobie didn't go "and this is how you cut down a small tree." None of that. I almost feel like I was bred to do this.

When I was talking to my father, once or twice, he'd brag about getting around to clearing out his back yard, but I didn't get it. It didn't seem big to me. But I certainly get it now. In having a last name like "Flowers" I've always been annoyed by my inability to keep a potted plant alive. Even in this home, it seems like no matter what I do, they wilt and die. But I can go outside, grab practically any tool, and bring beauty and order back to my personal space.

It even made me think about Doc and my dad, both Flowers men, and how naturally they took to yard work. I know that my dad spent some time on a farm, and the people there literally almost worked him to death. They were his family also, unfortunately. But as I'm looking further into my spiritual lineage, in addition to my last name, I'm genuinely wondering if I honestly do have a natural connection to this. Next, I'd like to add some bushes and flowers that bloom around my house. It only seems right.

The other day, even though I had a date to prepare for, and didn't want to get to sweaty, I still occasionally ran outside for a 15-minute "yard quicky" where I removed some brush and added branches to my new burn pile.

Thankfully, I managed to make it into my date as a non-sweaty mess. He'd ordered me to dress it up, and I did the damned thing. Folks get so used to me in my jeans that they forget that I can pull up when the moment calls for it. He'd grown his beard out and he looked nice. He looked so distinguished. He didn't mention my dress, but he rubbed on my back throughout the date, so I'm pretty sure he noticed it. 

When the date ended, he passionately invited me to his home. Lawd, I wanted to go! But I admitted to him that I'm just not in a good space to entertain a man in that way. At least, not now. Funny enough, my therapist, Dr. R has mentioned to me that I needed to start dating men that made more money. I've explained how difficult that is these days, but she has remained undeterred. She'd likely get a chuckle out of him being my former professor, but he definitely makes more. He's also a bit older, well-traveled, and he's in my field, although he works in a different area. I always enjoy being able to talk shop with peers.

Not sure what'll happen with him. I'm remaining guarded though. Meanwhile, all I'm focused on is learning to manicure my yard appropriately. So as the world around me turns, I'm watching it all turn green, while I'm starting to finally attract the kind of energy that I need and deserve in my life. I guess my green thumb doesn't just apply to my yard, it applies to my spirit as well.

Learning to Let the Spirits Guide Me

I walked into my home the other day. Because the cats sometimes try to make a run for it, I'm always intentional about making sure the door is closed behind me. As I pulled the door closed, I felt an interruption of some sort. It felt like someone had pulled it from the other side, or like something was in the way. I stopped quickly and looked to see what was there. But it was nothing. Nothing was there. The day was particularly windy, and I'd wondered if a strong breeze made it tough, so I continued to see if the wind was the culprit. But it wasn't. Something (or someone) pulled that door, and nothing can convince me of otherwise.

Yesterday, I found myself chatting it up with my supervisor, a Nigerian firecracker of a woman. For some reason, I opted to ask her the meaning of her last name. She laughed, and explained that she came from a long lineage of witchdoctors, and that her name was affiliated with that history. I went on to share with her about my own history of the unknown and how I'll experience things moving around my home, randomly. And how it's not just this home, it's been several places I've lived (here, for more info on that). My amazing coworker explained that my gift is likely somehow  affiliated with family lineage. She explained that I'd had a seer, psychic, or roots worker in my family in the past, and while others kind of got "lost" spiritually, I somehow continue to use my gifts, because I'm more in tune with them, and that I have more empathy. I'd never thought of it, but I definitely have psychic gifts as well. There have been many times that I've seen or felt things before they happened, even once in a dream. It was interesting to hear her say that it was about family history, because my other friend had said the same thing.

It took me back to recalling that I don't really have to focus on revenge for those who have wronged me, simply because my spirits always do the work for me. Even this morning, I learned that a court case where I was fully willing to go in and pay to shut this other party up and go away previously, has been cancelled. It's hilarious and amazing to me. The even wilder thing is that I tried to pay this money earlier, when I was first told to do so, but there was an incredulous block that would not allow me to. I was pretty much told that I needed to hire a lawyer to pay this money, but naturally, I wasn't going to do that. It's amazing, even then, the spirits were like "hold on to your money sis, we got you!"

Interestingly enough, before I was aware of my spiritual guides, I'd noticed that whenever people try to eff with me, it isn't uncommon for them to either suffer, or whatever mess they pull magically catapults me into further greatness. It's like the more folks try to make me fall, the greater my trajectory in life gets. I'm not complaining, keep it coming, I'll take all the blessings I can get!

So like I said, I got a notice that I had to go to court, and I was fully prepared to pay, to make this stupid incident go away, once and for all. I'm blessed to say that $500 won't break me, and I'd gladly pay it to make this other person get the fuck out of my face. But once again, my spirits said "nah" and they took the reigns. I'm impressed. I'm genuinely learning to fall back and let my spirits guide the journey. I'm seeing that I really don't have to worry about anything, all I gotta do is protect my body, my mind, my spirit, and my energy, and then keep my nose clean. And they'll do the rest.

Speaking of legal stuff, about 13 years ago, I was in a particularly rough space. I'd gone to jail for fighting my shitty ex. I was ordered to attend Family Violence Intervention Program classes. I was furious. I shouldn't have to do this! Spending that money, and time just seemed like an extra slap in the face, on top of everything else I had to deal with.

Wildly enough, while attending the classes, I was in Little 5 Points one day, and I saw the cop who arrested me. I froze and went in an opposite direction. I sat on a bench and needed to compose myself. I knew that I needed to speak to him. I went back to him, and I began weeping. I hugged him. And I told him "thank you." I hated that I went to jail. It was embarrassing. I knew I didn't belong there. But being there was what I needed to learn once and for all that I needed to stay the hell away from my son's father.

I'm actually still in touch with some of the women I met at those groups. I'm so proud that we're all doing amazing. A few years after, I thought that I'd like to lead such groups, but that motivation got lost in the sauce. I've spoken before about working at my part-time retail job, but the fact is that the money isn't doing what I need it to do. I'm trying to save money for a house emergency, plus I want to make some trips soon, in addition to my son going away to college soon. My savings is almost depleted. I need to get some money up, and fast!

I need to reinstate my social work license, and I considered going back into doing some private therapy, for extra cash. But then, for some reason, those FVIP classes recently came back up for me. I decided that this is the perfect time for me to apply to lead these groups. I can make more money on the side, while continuing to work in mental health and provide support to women who are in the same position that I once was. Sometimes, when I work my crisis line, I explain that I often use my own history as a motivator, to support others. And after 13 years, I'm no longer embarrassed about my night in jail. It motivated me. It brought me here. And I'm grateful. Once again, my spirits knew what was needed. Coincidentally, I'm in a much better place now to lead these groups, than it would have been if I'd tried when I first wanted to. I've actually had 4 jobs that consisted of me conducting groups, and I consider myself a bit of a pro at it. I was event joking with someone that I could lead groups in my sleep. So my personal and professional experience now makes me a much better candidate. I know that I'm ready.

On top of all else, I have a date coming up. I almost chuckle to myself when I talk about it with my girlfriends, but the guy is my former college professor. I'll blame my daddy issues, but when I first met him, he exuded power and connections. I was drawn. We've hung out a couple of times since I graduated, but I don't think he ever took me serious.  I rode by his house recently (it's on a road I happen to travel occasionally) and I hadn't seen him in a few years, so I decided to text him to say hello, and we've been chatting since.

I don't have any intentions, and I don't really want a boyfriend at the moment. I'm certainly not going to sleep with him, but he's encouraged me to dress up, and I look forward to doing so. It'll be the first time I've dressed up for a man, in a while. It's also the first time in a while that a man was intentional with planning something for us to do. 

Once again, my spirits are leading me to live my best life. An annoying (metaphorical) mosquito has been told once again to kick rocks and leave me alone. I'm about to embark on going full circle and supporting women facing domestic violence issues, and a guy with some business about himself has taken interest in little old me. It ain't a winning lotto ticket, but I'll take it.

Actually, I'm starting to see that I actually did win the spiritual lottery. And I look forward to using this to move me forward even further.