Spite- The Ultimate Motivator

This time of year is among my least favorite. How the days get longer and sunnier, calling for me to strip out of my winter duds, and into some sun dresses in bright, floral prints. And I'll shower, get ready to get my day started, only to be betrayed by the sunshine and walk out into ignorantly cold weather. I've spent most of my time in my new house in my bedroom, but as the sun beckons to me more, I've migrated to my living room, where I can fling open the drapes and watch this deceptively bright star light up the area. I almost got rid of the ottoman chair I originally purchased a few years back, but my freakishly tall child admitted to a fondness for it, so I draped throw over it and committed to keeping it with us, where I now work, next to my massive living room window.

One of the good things about this time of year is that being inside gives us more opportunity to look around and learn more about ourselves. I know that some people are uncomfortable with the thought of looking inward, but I credit most of the progress I've made in life to my ability to look backward and forward and assess my role in it all. Anyhoo, I saw something online recently, during my winter hibernation, about spite. And it made me think back a bit on my own life.

Ya see, I've never been much of a competitive person. Yes, I've had my moments in life, but I'm not one to wake up and sleep spite (except for the one or two people who truly had it coming- they know who they are), but nothing drives me like hearing that I can't do something. 

During high school, I had a boyfriend named Armond. He was the traditional all-American boy. He was a running back for his football team, at the private school where he attended. He made good grades and looking back, he was one of the boys who all the girls would have tried to sink their claws into. He was going places. And I liked him, and I even loved him as much as I could. Looking back, I believe he was drawn to my free spirit. He didn't exist in the same world that I did. No rules, just do what feels right. I wasn't super religious and I abhorred social norms, even back then. He was the church boy. He was straight out of the Cosby Show. I was the poet/creative between the two of us, and he'd occasionally express a talent for poetry or singing. He was clearly on his way to a good life, and he eventually landed at a well-respected southern college, where he played football.

And while I brought out his poetic side, I couldn't fathom knowing he was making honor roll the whole time we were together, while I was barely getting by with C's and D's. I was absolutely not going to let that man come out looking smarter than me, especially since I knew I could do the work. So I did. Granted, I never did quite get up to honor roll, by then the damage had been done. But I give Armond many props, because my competition with him was ultimately what led me to getting my head out of the clouds and back into the school books. And had I not been competing with him, I honestly do not think I would have graduated on time. Because I was not going to lose to that man.

Working a crisis line, when people indicate current or past thoughts of suicide, our protocol is to help the individual create a safety plan. And one day as I navigated wrapping up a call and asking the person about their safety plan, they said to me simply "spite." That was it. No calling loved ones, no prayer or meditation, no breathing exercises. Nope. SPITE. This person's whole motivation for staying alive was to spite others. I'll be honest and admit that I got quite a chuckle out of it. But hey, if that's what keeps you from downing a bottle of pills when we got off this of phone, in the words of the great philosopher, Andrew Caldwell, "who are me to judge?"

There was also another great achievement of mine that was motivated by spite- my master's degree. That's right. The thing that made it all possible happened because a couple of shitty exes routinely questioned and berated my intelligence, as a part of regular emotional abuse. Every time I read a book or said something remotely intelligent, I was met with rolled eye and exasperated sighs, as if I'd asked why the sun and the moon hate one another. I'll show you who the really the idiot really is.

Looking back into my young years, sometimes I get frustrated, thinking how much further I could have gone in life had I not allowed myself to be surrounded by people who seemed to derive joy from making my doubt my own capabilities, rather than pouring into me, lovingly. But I guess it doesn't matter as much now. I'm a loud and proud late bloomer. The fact is that I was in my early 40's before I felt like an actual adult. While some of my friends were buying houses 10+ years ago, I was struggling as a part-time cashier at Petsmart. And while I'm sick to my stomach thinking how much cheaper my lil old house would have been 10 years ago, I'm thankful that I made it, though.

I took all of that negative energy, all of the name-calling, the drama, the blame, the energy zapping, and I let it fuel me to getting my master's degree and get a job that pays me enough to comfortably support myself and my son. My grass is mowed, my cats are fat and happy. My refrigerator is full, as is my closet, and and my bedroom is painted. And I've reached the necessary word count on my first book, and I'm finally entering the editing portion.

Spite moved me forward to get my master's degree. Not bad for a dummy, right?