42+

I made it! I'm finally 42. Not like I was particularly waiting for this age. But I feel like I made it somehow. Like I succeeded against so many things meant for me to fail. My son and I are closer than ever, ironically, as I allow him to grow into his own person. I can't help but to marvel at how absolutely amazing he is. He's good-looking, charming, empathetic, and so intelligent, it's almost scary.

I got back from my uncle's service in Denver. I was once again warmly embraced by the beautiful city surrounded by huge mountains. The current mayor of Denver was in attendance, in addition to the former governor of Colorado. I found myself getting emotional at the end of the evening as people shared their favorite memories of my uncle. I realized that with the passing of both my uncle and my cousin, I feel like I lost my family. I lost my home. I missed being in a place where I was surrounded by love and comfort. That's what they brought into my life. And it's gone now.

One another note, I'm slowly rebuilding things with my mother. I dunno. I guess... 

Otherwise, things are good. I absolutely love my hospice job, to the point where I declined the social work position for Dekalb County. I'm too old to be fighting against the system. I just wanna sit my ass down and travel and love on my favorite people. The Malika who tried to solve everyone's problems is dead in the water, and she's okay with that. She's now the Malika who is focused on retirement.

Speaking of retirement, an old job that I'd applied for recently reached out to me. I didn't even expect this one, I'd totally forgotten about it. But a friend of mine has this position, and apparently, the last training class got caught up in some shit and everyone got cleared out. Sucks for them, but I'll damned sure step up for this. I was just telling my friend how a few years ago, I would not have had the clarity and discipline to work this job. But now, I get it. I finally fucking get it. Go into this job, and keep my fucking nose clean. It would allow me to transfer to other offices nationally, especially back to California or Denver in a few years. Plus it pays well. PLUS it is the goose that lays the golden eggs, a freaking pension. Lawd, my ship done come in!

Previously, when I thought about retirement, I basically told my best friend that my plan was to live in her home Golden Girls style. She said that she's okay with that. And I don't know, I might just still live that way. But having the beauty of a monthly stipend, rather than depending on one lump sum in retirement is all I can imagine. Twenty more years, and I can do it! Plus, I can possibly move to another country, if I so choose. And with this bullshit going on right now, that is certainly an option.

If I go to this new job, I'll take a short trip to Cali one last time. I want to spend some time with Fred and by the beach before the fall sets in. Speaking of Fred, he lost his mother just under a week ago. He's holding up about as well as I'd expect. He doesn't speak about his mother often, but I know that he adores her. And now this. He's currently in Alabama with his family. I asked when he plans to return to L.A. He's not worried about it. I'm kind of proud of him actually. He chose to be with his family during this crucial time, and said "I'll figure it out." I absolutely love the shift that society is coming to. I'm here for it. And I'm here for Fred. Truth be told, depending on when I get hit up for this new job, if things align well, I'd be willing to drive him back to L.A. I keep swearing Fred off. But I love him.

Lord knows, if I met him today, he wouldn't stand a snowball's shot in hell with me. Although, he's still sexy as hell to me. I guess he's just meant to be there at this point. 15 years, plus. And I'm glad he's here. Not trying to take on another him though. Although, truth be told, I kind of have another "Fred." I've written about him a few times here. He's sexy af like Fred, but unlike Fred, he's in my field and far more career driven. Truth be told, he's my former supervisor. He's been so instrumental in helping to shape me into the professional that I am today. I miss kissing him. Like Fred, we've had some going back and forth, but not nearly as much, although he has been a romantic partner for roughly 3 years. That's all I'll go into on him. I see so much magic in him, I'm always amazed that he's into me too. Our relationship is odd. But I love it. And I love him too.

To be fair though, when I see relationships that may be worth building, I always fall off of both men. But as nothing has panned out remotely well, I am blessed to have two extremely sexy men to spend quality time with and be romantically recharged. I can't find a single thing wrong with that! If I can't get the relationship I deserve, I'll unapologetically spend time with other men who deserve my time and presence.

Anyway, I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have exactly FOUR years until I can finally pack up for good and get the hell on. And depending on how things shape up, it may be less than 4. Now if this new job works out well (and no doubt that it will), I'll be able to simply transfer. I'll have vacation days, sick days, yearly raises, cost of living increases, and a full on pension. My son knows that he'll be able to come with me. Now we just start to focus on looking at colleges for him.

So this is 42, huh? This is what it's like when your life isn't one dumpster fire or another? Weird. Kinda fucked to see so many people around me struggling in this fucked up society, but in the meantime, things are falling into place for me. I'll never forget my road here. So many bumps and bruises. But thank God, I'm here. I'm finally HERE!!