42+

I made it! I'm finally 42. Not like I was particularly waiting for this age. But I feel like I made it somehow. Like I succeeded against so many things meant for me to fail. My son and I are closer than ever, ironically, as I allow him to grow into his own person. I can't help but to marvel at how absolutely amazing he is. He's good-looking, charming, empathetic, and so intelligent, it's almost scary.

I got back from my uncle's service in Denver. I was once again warmly embraced by the beautiful city surrounded by huge mountains. The current mayor of Denver was in attendance, in addition to the former governor of Colorado. I found myself getting emotional at the end of the evening as people shared their favorite memories of my uncle. I realized that with the passing of both my uncle and my cousin, I feel like I lost my family. I lost my home. I missed being in a place where I was surrounded by love and comfort. That's what they brought into my life. And it's gone now.

One another note, I'm slowly rebuilding things with my mother. I dunno. I guess... 

Otherwise, things are good. I absolutely love my hospice job, to the point where I declined the social work position for Dekalb County. I'm too old to be fighting against the system. I just wanna sit my ass down and travel and love on my favorite people. The Malika who tried to solve everyone's problems is dead in the water, and she's okay with that. She's now the Malika who is focused on retirement.

Speaking of retirement, an old job that I'd applied for recently reached out to me. I didn't even expect this one, I'd totally forgotten about it. But a friend of mine has this position, and apparently, the last training class got caught up in some shit and everyone got cleared out. Sucks for them, but I'll damned sure step up for this. I was just telling my friend how a few years ago, I would not have had the clarity and discipline to work this job. But now, I get it. I finally fucking get it. Go into this job, and keep my fucking nose clean. It would allow me to transfer to other offices nationally, especially back to California or Denver in a few years. Plus it pays well. PLUS it is the goose that lays the golden eggs, a freaking pension. Lawd, my ship done come in!

Previously, when I thought about retirement, I basically told my best friend that my plan was to live in her home Golden Girls style. She said that she's okay with that. And I don't know, I might just still live that way. But having the beauty of a monthly stipend, rather than depending on one lump sum in retirement is all I can imagine. Twenty more years, and I can do it! Plus, I can possibly move to another country, if I so choose. And with this bullshit going on right now, that is certainly an option.

If I go to this new job, I'll take a short trip to Cali one last time. I want to spend some time with Fred and by the beach before the fall sets in. Speaking of Fred, he lost his mother just under a week ago. He's holding up about as well as I'd expect. He doesn't speak about his mother often, but I know that he adores her. And now this. He's currently in Alabama with his family. I asked when he plans to return to L.A. He's not worried about it. I'm kind of proud of him actually. He chose to be with his family during this crucial time, and said "I'll figure it out." I absolutely love the shift that society is coming to. I'm here for it. And I'm here for Fred. Truth be told, depending on when I get hit up for this new job, if things align well, I'd be willing to drive him back to L.A. I keep swearing Fred off. But I love him.

Lord knows, if I met him today, he wouldn't stand a snowball's shot in hell with me. Although, he's still sexy as hell to me. I guess he's just meant to be there at this point. 15 years, plus. And I'm glad he's here. Not trying to take on another him though. Although, truth be told, I kind of have another "Fred." I've written about him a few times here. He's sexy af like Fred, but unlike Fred, he's in my field and far more career driven. Truth be told, he's my former supervisor. He's been so instrumental in helping to shape me into the professional that I am today. I miss kissing him. Like Fred, we've had some going back and forth, but not nearly as much, although he has been a romantic partner for roughly 3 years. That's all I'll go into on him. I see so much magic in him, I'm always amazed that he's into me too. Our relationship is odd. But I love it. And I love him too.

To be fair though, when I see relationships that may be worth building, I always fall off of both men. But as nothing has panned out remotely well, I am blessed to have two extremely sexy men to spend quality time with and be romantically recharged. I can't find a single thing wrong with that! If I can't get the relationship I deserve, I'll unapologetically spend time with other men who deserve my time and presence.

Anyway, I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have exactly FOUR years until I can finally pack up for good and get the hell on. And depending on how things shape up, it may be less than 4. Now if this new job works out well (and no doubt that it will), I'll be able to simply transfer. I'll have vacation days, sick days, yearly raises, cost of living increases, and a full on pension. My son knows that he'll be able to come with me. Now we just start to focus on looking at colleges for him.

So this is 42, huh? This is what it's like when your life isn't one dumpster fire or another? Weird. Kinda fucked to see so many people around me struggling in this fucked up society, but in the meantime, things are falling into place for me. I'll never forget my road here. So many bumps and bruises. But thank God, I'm here. I'm finally HERE!!

Goals

I learned a few years back that because of my ADHD, I have a limited capacity for caffeine. I actually like the taste of coffee, and I'm genuinely not addicted. I just like the taste. I don't drink it daily, despite having a coffeemaker at home. Anyway, I started drinking coffee at work (even decaf) and ended up with the sleepies again. I've found that the best way to get over this caffeine induced sleepy phase is basically to go completely caffeine free for a few days and allow my body to detox.

Because of this weird thing, I was up at 3am yesterday after going to sleep at 6pm the previous day. And now I'm up. Been up since 4am, after going to sleep at about 8pm last night. I'm glad to be up though. I enjoy the quiet of the morning. The birds chirping. My home is quiet. My mind fresh and sharp. I have an appointment with patients today. I may even go hit the gym before I meet with them.

I happened to get paid yesterday, and figured that with my extra waking hours, I'd pull out my budget and see how things are coming along. I was proud to see that a few bills are within a couple hundred bucks of being paid off completely. I did the math, and I owe roughly $5k in these bills. The goal has been to pay extra each month, with the intention of being done paying by the new year. I'm currently paying more on the smaller bills, with the plans of getting them eradicated so that I can work toward the larger bills. Once this $5k of loans and stuff is paid off, I plan to tackle this crazy car loan. I may even refinance. Ultimately, I'd like to have my car paid off in 4 years, so that by the time my son graduates high school, I will be completely debt free.

My birthday is in a week and half. I'm turning the big 42. Okay, there is no "big 42," it's just "42." I'm leaving for Denver next week for my uncle's funeral. My plan was originally to try to escape to the beach for a few days to celebrate, but I'm new at my job and didn't want to rock the boat. I hate having to say goodbye to my uncle, but the timing is perfect. My son and I fly in next week and will be there for 4 nights. I fly back the day before my birthday. I could have taken my birthday off, but I plan to "work from home" because I don't want to take another unpaid day. If one of my patients really needs me, I'll go out. Otherwise, I'll probably lounge at a nearby lake and only head out if I'm needed.

I'm really looking forward to this. Things are good. They're finally good. The first half of 2022 undeniably kicked my ass. Losing Ali was one thing, but losing his father too was just unreal. Plus leaving my other job. Although, the more I look back, the more I see how uncaring they were about the loss of my cousin. Not even a "take all the time you need" kind of speech. Like, I get it. I was new. But they didn't give a shit, they wanted me to show and prove. To not be a human. I wasn't allowed to have bad days. I was expected to call them almost daily while in the process watching of my own flesh and blood dying in front of me. I have zero regrets about opting to take care of myself and my cousin during that period. If given the chance, I'd have done things the exact same way.

Meanwhile, almost 2 weeks after I started this job, my uncle died. I was immediately given all kinds of support and even attend grief meetings with coworkers. They are cool about me attending a funeral out of town. If I need to cry, I cry, and that's okay. I guess that's what happens when you work in hospice. It's their actual job to be supportive. It's literally their nature. Moving back out west is always in the back of my mind, and I often think that I'd like to continue working in hospice, or quite possibly as a school counselor when that happens. But I'll always be so thankful for this position. It has given me back my sense of purpose and peace.

I recall a subreddit I was looking at, where someone described how the character Prezbo from The Wire struggled as a police officer, before finally finding the job that worked well for him, as a teacher. They said how basically, he tried to swim upstream as a cop, something he wasn't meant for, and finally found his flow as a teacher. While the writer was simply giving their interpretation, that interpretation always stuck with me because I felt like an utter failure when I walked away from that job.

Working in hospice has allowed me to find purpose. To be good at something. To finally be in a position where my compassion and empathy is finally rewarded, not looked down on and punished, as it has been so much in other positions. No cliques. No crazy ass gossip. Today I had to help my coworker meet with a new patient's husband, and the husband happens to be famous for a kidnapping that occurred several decades ago. And I was actually thanked by upper staff for helping.

So that's where things are. I have a job that I love. I have coworkers that appreciate me who I get along well with. My bills are being paid on time, and even early. I'm doing well on my new diabetes medication and I'm looking and feeling amazing. My future is finally looking bright and I'm here for it.

We Cry Together

I'm undeniably a Kendrick Lamar fan. I was geeked about the new album, like all die hard fans. I copped it the very first day, anxious to get a feel for what K. Dot was blessing us with next. It wasn't a banger like To Pimp a Butterfly, Damn, or Good Kid Mad City. But it spoke to me. One particular track that I didn't expect to hit me right in the feels was "We Cry Together." In it, a toxic couple curse one another and argue loudly. It was triggering, to say the least. It took me back to living with my son's father. My poor child having to witness my utter misery. I was sick to my stomach, hearing those words.

Another jarring aspect of the song was the fact that I knew in my spirit that was the kind of relationship that Theo wanted. The anger, resentment, walking on eggshells, toxic interaction. I wasn't about to repeat that shit after living like for years with my baby daddy. But still, that song hit me hard.

My dating life is pretty dry, but I think I like it this way. I met a guy last week and was 50/50 on if I'd see him again. He was attractive and made me feel safe. The kissing was nice too. The issue came when I couldn't get him on the phone for even the small things. Old me would have communicated that his lack of phone/texting was a concern to me. New me recognizes that if  you naturally don't like dating and open communication, I'm going to ghost your ass and leave you to waste years of the next woman's life.

What really got me to this point was my time with Ted. I spent literal years waiting for the bare minimum from him. I'm absolutely not going to waste that kind of time or energy again. With any man. That's why Theo had to go. I really miss who I thought he was, and I'm trying to find solace in being proud that I got rid of his ass before he did any real damage to my psyche or my peace. Still, it kinda hurts regardless.

I thought back on it recently, and I realized that I haven't had sex in 2 months. The last romp was with Fred in L.A. The wild thing is that I really don't even miss it. I've certainly had and have opportunities. And I can't even front, the chocha, is feeling good. Not masturbating or anything, but I know that girlfriend is in great shape. Whoever I break the seal for is going to be one lucky bastard. I'm planning to see Fred sometime in the fall, so perhaps it'll be him? I don't even know anymore. Don't really care either.

I just started a new diabetes medication. I swore that I was heading into perimenopause, but my doctor suggested that my issues with my body stem from this stupid diabetes. My cravings are lessening, but not by much. But still, this particular medication has been used by a lot of people to help with weight loss. I'm going to accept that like my mother and grandmother, I'm going to be roughly this size forever. But at least I can tone up and get this sugar addiction under control.

My new job is giving so much to ponder in the meantime. It's way easier than I thought it would be. I guess because I work with dying people, but not people I know personally. Plus most of my patients are older individuals. I have a somewhat younger patient (I believe he's in his 50's) and he's struggling with completing some planning paperwork. I know that his struggle with completing the paperwork stems from his struggles with his past.

I've only been there for just over a month now, but I'm surprised with how casually we discuss death with our clients and with each other. I feel that the older clients are normally more okay with talking about their deaths because 1) they've seen so many people die as it is and 2) because they've been sick for so long that they've made peace with it being whatever it is. I've always had a weird relationship with death, so this job just allows me to use my gifts, I guess. Plus it's so much easier and less drama than anything I've done before. I'm already considering working in hospice again whenever I leave Atlanta.

On top of the career stuff, working in hospice has shown me the kind of partner I want in life. I see dedicated husbands and wives and children. I think to myself, I want the kind of man who actually deserves that kind of loyalty and care. Today I was talking to Fred in L.A. and I told him that if he ever got sick, I'd gladly care for him. I think he'd do the same for me. The issue, however, is that I don't want a man who I think would care for me, I need someone who I know would. That's a whole new bar for dating. And I appreciate it for what it is.

In another lane, the birthday happens in a couple of weeks and I'm heading to Denver for the uncle's service. I'm making peace with his death. I understand that the logistics of getting together a service for someone of his magnitude is a lot. But I just keep thinking that I'm finally making peace with his death only to have to rip the bandaid off by having the service so far out. But the blessing is that I'll be hopping a plane and spending time with family for his service and I'll be back in Atlanta the day before my big day. It's kind of a blessing, because being that I just started my new job, I wouldn't have felt comfortable hopping a plane for my birthday, asking for the time off. But the uncle's death serves as the perfect reason to take some time off right by my big day.

Overall, I'm good. I'm at peace. I'm flourishing. My credit is doing pretty good. My hair is looking great. If these meds do what they're supposed to do, not only will my diabetes be under control for the first time in some years, I'll be toning up, spending more time in the gym as well. I'm driving a car that I love. I value myself and I only surround myself with people who value me as much as I value myself. I'm trying to get my business off the ground and I recently got an LLC.

Kendrick's song reminded me of where I was 10 years ago. Beat down, tired, neglected, overlooked. And I continued that horrible pattern for years later. But now, I'm on the other side. I'm a business owner with good hair, good skin, and a good spirit. Suck on that, bitches.