Inequitable Expectations

I caught up with a guy friend a few weeks ago. It was nice to chat with him, as COVID-19 has made it difficult to keep up with some people. No love lost though, I get it. This pandemic kept a lot of us home, while we figured out our lives and prioritized our safety and the safety of our loved ones. I think the pandemic brought about the best of some parts of us, and the worst of others.

But I digress.

I met with my guy friend at a local coffeehouse. We got reacquainted, asking about friends and family. I'd asked about his new girlfriend, whom he'd been so excited about, only a few months ago. He admitted that things weren't going well. He admitted to me that while he loves his paramour, he's frustrated at the lack of action in the bedroom. I listened to him explain his frustration of how he's quickly rejected when she isn't in the mood, but he's expected to turn into a robot when she wants action. I listened intently, with my therapist ear. I heard him pour out his heart about his desire to be sexually gratified by the woman he loves, not by any of the other women chasing him.

I immediately recognized the dilemma, and felt both sides of the issue. As women, we are taught from an early age that no man (or woman) is supposed to touch us in any way we don't want. We are taught that our bodies are sacred and to be worshipped and adored and the only sexual acts we engage in are those we clearly welcome.

Enter the disconnect.

As my friend continued to unload, he eventually mentioned how he feels that his woman doesn't keep up his appearances the way he wants her to. Not gonna lie, I was a bit triggered by that one. I've encountered countless men on dating apps, as crisp and sharp as they come. Clean from head to toe, matching absolutely everything. I stop and smile on those profiles.

And then I quickly swipe left. Sure, you're a well-put together man. Which means that you're going to expect my hair and nails to stay done and even a trip to the grocery store or gym, you're going to expect me to be rocking a full beat face and a ball gown. Nothing but love to the women that hold it down like that, but I'm not one of them. And I'm not going to spend my whole relationship doing shit that I don't normally do, just to attract a man. Because he's going to expect that to be my constant, and I'm going to end up resenting him because he's going to be pissed that I'm not super neat.

As a woman, we are constantly under pressure to present a certain kind of way. Men are allowed to be sloppy as long as they aren't absolute pigs. Men only have to get a $20 haircut, while women pay $200 for a sew-in. Women have to slave like hell in the gym to fight what is biologically predisposed to happen to us, while men can just cut out soda, beer, and potato chips and shed 50 lbs.

I'm not invalidating my guy friend's issues at all. He's entitled to like who and what he likes. And like I said, I genuinely see both sides of it. It's just interesting to see as a complete outsider of the dating game, how these seemingly small, underlying things create major challenges in a relationship. I'm glad to see this all though. Because one day, I'll hop back into the dating game and I'd like to come in with a healthy idea of what to expect. One day.