Reality Bites

I can't really complain about a lot in my life right now. Things are going well at my job, my son is flourishing at school, my goal has been #FineBy40 in time for my trip to Jamaica for my birthday and I'm doing an amazing job of sticking to this diet, which is resulting in weight loss, increased health, and my skin is looking clutch!

I've made it a goal to begin a support group for women and I'm just looking for a good site to let me host it. I'm observing a lot of women that are struggling, and I would love for us to come together to uplift and begin to heal. I can definitely see that the worst thing about growing older is being able to decipher the ugly and selfishness that exist in a lot of people. I'm even to the point where I'm able to see it a mile away and cut it off before it gets too close and damages my peace and my spirit. It is a pretty immaculate place to belong in. I'm still all about protecting my peace and there are still people I wouldn't touch me with a 10-foot pole.

But the thing that sucks about being awesome is that men see it. They want to possess it and own it. They bask in it, they glow in it. Men love how open I am. The bullshit is that I've had numerous men that still attempt on a regular basis to leave me neatly in a closet, until their bullshit with the other chick goes left. I'm so over that shit. I was about to write a little anecdote about some bullshit that I just encountered, but it ain't even worth it.
On another note, a girlfriend from high school and I have been hanging pretty tough lately. By an odd twist of fate, in our early 20's, she and I happened to live in the same apartment complex, on the total opposite side of town from where we grew up. During this time, naturally, she and I hung out, and I happened to meet the guy she was dating, a guy I'll call Dwayne.
Over the years, I started to see Dwayne more as he started to blow up and do big things. And recently, Dwayne landed on a reality show. Needless to say, I'm not saying who he is, so don't ask. Anyway, my friend has always held a candle for Dwayne, as they've maintained their on/off thing for nearly 20 years. The only thing is that Dwayne has publicly stated that he's heavily involved with another woman. This woman is prominently on his social media and featured heavily with him on the reality show. Bottom line, he gotta girl.

On a recent bored outing, my homegirl and I managed to go to where we knew Dwayne would be. He initially looked me in the face and ignored me (which I'm not at all okay with, but whatever), and I had to chase him to tell him that an old friend wanted to say hello. He promptly turned around and greeted my friend with a long, warm hug. As he departed, he held her hand a bit longer before he walked away. I witnessed this. It was kind of sweet, actually. My friend and I left shortly after.
Yesterday, my friend started to say that she thinks dude is her "one that got away." She wants nothing more than to tell him that she's ready to be with him. Thankfully, since I was there to witness the fuckery, I had to remind her that their early relationship wasn't exactly all roses. She lamented and agreed, but still feels that they may have a chance at something.
I told her that I was glad that we were on the phone during this conversation, because otherwise I would have hurt her feelings with the look on my face. I pretty much said "Far be it for me to tell you that you can't fuck a married man, if you do, that's between you and your god. But the fact is, at least in this juncture, that ship has sailed, and he's made his choice, and unfortunately, that choice ain't you. If you wanna be his side chick (not that I recommend it, because his role on a popular reality show would blow her shit up if it gets exposed, plus that's just not an overall good look), accept that's the role you'll have."
She knew I was right. She's still battling it. She stalks his Instagram page, looking for subtle signs from him (I think these are just random coincidences/messages). She'd even considered going to where she knows he'll be and just get if off her chest that she knows he's moved on, but apologizing for some bullshit that she'd done in the past that hurt their relationship. I recognize the importance of speaking your peace (hence this blog I've been venting to for 10 years), but the thing about having "those conversations" is that you can never anticipate how they'll go. It may go swimmingly, and you and the other party hug and embrace, and all is forgiven, etc. Or the other person could curse you out. The other person could absolutely hate your guts, and rather than them letting you pour out your heart and soul, tell you how filthy and horrible you are. Or in their case, as I'd said to her, he could leave his current situation (which he ain't but whatever), go be with my friend and throw her and her kids into the spotlight as his side chick and have her and her whole damned life on the internet. Messy boots. Even she admitted that she'd hate to be on tv and gain fame/notoriety for being a side chick on reality tv. Certainly not the best way to build a loyal clientele.

It's coincidental that she and I are going through our bit of grieving these old relationships together. Ted is dead. At least to me. I could take him back, but I love myself far too much to subject myself to anymore of his shit. Fred is still in L.A. and despite the fact that I'm planning for another pilgrimage this May/June, I've pretty much blocked his ass, so naturally, I don't anticipate seeing him. L.A. is pretty massive, so the chances of bumping into him are minuscule. I still spend time with Justin, whom I adore, and who happens to be a perfect blend of both Fred and Ted, but I know that Justin is not in an emotional space to give me anything more and I respect that.
So while my friend and I go through all of this, at least in the meantime, she plans to join me in my pilgrimage to Chicago, my birthday trip to Jamaica, and she may even join me for my Cali trip and hit Vegas with me. We can't just start neglecting ourselves just because shit ain't the way we want it to be. Sometimes I wonder if my homegirl is enamored (at least in part) by Dwayne's fame and being on the show. I mean, don't get me wrong, she was there before the cameras and the cash, but I'm pretty sure that seeing him play the role of the doting loving love interest has only piqued her curiosity and guilt about what could have been. In the meantime, I'm reeling from being the woman who men always seem to want to return to after they fuck up (I now have a no return policy because clearly these Negroes are just really getting to full of shit) and my home girl is battling what is, versus what could be. Introspection is a hell of a drug.

New Year, All That Jazz

Has it really been nearly 2 months since I posted? I guess I'm back to my pre-Pete writing schedule. I like to write when new an exciting things are happening, and unfortunately, that has not really been the case as of late. I thought I was going to be able to write about Ted, but yeah, that's definitely a wrap. *sigh* I was upset and hurt initially. I was fucking angry, hurt, disappointed, all of that. But I'm not any more. I'm just over it. No Fred, no Ted... Not much of a coincidence that they both fell off within 6 months of one another. I'm all about this season of shedding and becoming a better version of myself.
At least I'm doing well in being active in this diet. The goal is #FineBy40, and not like I'm having to try hard for it. The goal is to be on a beach in Jamaica to ring in my 40th. Totes doable. My spirit is good, my will power is good, my stomach is flabby... such is the game, I guess, but hopefully not much longer. Got this gym membership reactivated as well. Now is all about the execution and countdown to 40.