I was out with friends lately, when I messed around and got a bit more tipsy than I needed to be. I devised a plan to walk to a local spot from where I was to buy some food to sober up so I could drive home. In passing I texted Steve to mention that I'd gotten drunk. He immediately texted me back to ask if I was okay to drive, and even encouraged me to take a Lyft home and he'd pay me back. Then out of nowhere he texted me "I love you." He'd been flirting with the idea of saying it, but he never had. Shit, I still haven't said it. Been nearly a year now, and I still haven't. This is undeniably the longest I've been in uttering that.
But anyway, it completely freaked me out. My best friend, Sky, happened to be across the room and saw my face when it was read. My heart raced. Palms got sweaty. I was definitely an Eminem rap battle. I didn't respond. I kinda felt it at the time, but just wasn't ready to face it yet. Not yet.
I was on the phone with my cousin recently when I began to gush about Steve. I told her that he's unlike anyone else in how he dotes on me and doesn't just care about me, he cares for me. Hurricane Michael is roaring up the coast and he just texted me to ask if I have eggs and milk (its a Southern thing, don't ask). My cousin and I both talked about our shying away from commitment with our respective men, when I began to say "yeah, I llll-" then I caught myself. Shit, I almost said it. Whew, Ice cold, Malika, Ice cold. (Outkast reference).
So what I have neglected to mention to my blog and most of the world is that Steve is white. It pains me something bad though. It burns because the fact is that I don't like Steve because he's white, I like him in spite of it. But my fear is that people who know me will assume that he's just a "white guy band-aid after Pete," but he's not. Pete was never meant to be a boyfriend or permanent fixture of any sort, other than friendship. I've dated several black men in the year and half since Pete died (has it really been that damned long?!) Steve is funny (in a dad joke kinda way), he's kind (almost stupidly so), he's supportive, affectionate, a hard worker, and he's someone that gets me for who I am. I've found myself as the object of so many men's desire, only for them to falter once they realize that I am a real live woman, with emotions and feelings. Like who does that, right? Plenty of men. And whether I'm done up in work clothes, or wearing sweats, Steve makes me feel like a princess. Steve isn't Pete. Steve is Steve. And that's all that matters to me.
Normally by now I would have gone public with him (at least on Facebook), but the fact is that I know many of my Facebook friends would have shit to say, and I'm just not trying to entertain it. I genuinely spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to introduce Steve to my world, but then it occurred to me- Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes.
These two have been rumored to be together for years. Not just months- YEARS. Rumor mill says that they've had to be mum due to Katie's prenup, or some jazz. As of late, a few more pics of them out in public have began to surface. But its all speculation. No one can say anything, because no one knows anything. And that's the life I'd like to lead. No one on Facebook can say shit if I'm not posting pics and being all out there with my dating life. I even found myself wondering if Jamie and Katie would have made it if they'd been public about things early on. I think back on it, and I highly doubt it.
Last night, I lay in bed and it occurred to me that if I got married, I'd do a Vegas wedding. Nothing huge, maybe a few friends fly out with us as we say "I do's." Fuck Malika, what are we thinking?! Then, being the dumbass I am, I texted Steve and said "If we got married, I'd want to do it in Vegas or Reno." Steve immediately texted me back and said he'd want to do it in Vegas and he'd want an Elvis there. We talked timeline- I said 8 years, so my son would be out of high school. He texted back suggesting 8 years is too long. 2 years? I suggested a possible 5. The night wore on and I got tired. We tabled the discussion.
This morning, I looked at my Facebook page (naturally) to find this post I'd made before. I dunno, maybe this is a sign? Or maybe not?
"I don't know a lot of happily married couples, but as I get older and observe the ones I do see, I've learned that marriage takes hard work, compromise and dedication. If you go into a serious relationship or marriage with absolutely no desire to be loyal or dedicated, you're wasting everyone's time. You can't go in thinking 'I'll be me until the day I die and I refuse to change.' Both parties have to want it and be willing to work for it."
Like everything else, I'll let time play this one on out.
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