Thursday, May 3, 2012

The Waiting Continues

I went out with a guy friend of mine yesterday. Actually, I guess I'll start at the beginning. I have known him for a few years and we ran into each other a few days ago. We flirted a little and exchanged numbers. As I emerge into the whole dating scene, I honestly struggle with the knowledge that I need to be alone and get my head together, versus my need and want to be held.

I've got a "friend" who I'll call Del. I met him a little under a year ago and he and I often cuddle, but the only problem is that well, he's a raging asshole. I love him and I'm familiar with him because I'm well-versed in dealing with assholes. But that doesn't mean that I don't want more from him. So while I cuddle with Del at times, I still know that he ain't the one. While there are those that tell me to leave Del alone, as I know I should, until I get a permanent replacement, Del is the man I get my emotional fix from. Some may look at my dating an asshole as a sign that I haven't learned shit from my previous experiences. I on the other hand consider it a huge step in the right direction, because I know that he's a dickhead and I'll use him for cuddling and comfort, just as he uses me for sex and to have his ego boosted. I guess I sound like a nut, but I've always been the kind of girl that wants to deal in the reality. The reality of our situation is that he's an asshole, but the sex is good and I like to cuddle. So until I find what I'm really looking for, I'll deal with his punk ass.

Which brings me back to my friend. We flirted more via text and agreed to meet up yesterday. He got there and we began to discuss some of our philosophies on life and it became painfully clear quite early that I was a tad more moderate on some things than he is. While I respect anyone's right to believe what they want, I know that if there is no basic foundation on somethings, its hard to build. We enjoyed our time, but I knew we'd never be. It sucks too, because I've known him long enough to know that he's a fantastic person. I guess he's just not the right man for me. *sigh* Back to the drawing board.

One of my best girlfriends is saying that she is officially "bitter" and has given up on the prospect of love. I kind of wish I could say the same, but I can't. Perhaps its my arrogance that does it, but when I look at myself I can't help but to think that I'm pretty, smart, outgoing, hilarious, and intelligent. There is no reason in hell for me to be single. But I am. So I just have to have faith that when the Universe sees it fit, it will deliver me the man of my dreams. Or at lease something close to it.

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