Sunday, May 30, 2010

And THAT Makes You Unfuckable

I've been thinking lately about a few things, and I've decided that I should put together a list of things that make a guy unfuckable. I didn't plan to share this, but Next ended up having some characteristics that I just couldn't fool with, so I decided to nip it in the bud, before I got too caught up (*high five* to me for seeing the signs and cutting it short before it got too deep). Anyway, here are the top ten things that make a dude unfuckable to me. This list is based on stuff that I've dealt with personally and some of the things my homies have gone through. These really aren't in any particular order. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

10. Bad hygeine. No matter how good looking a guy is, if he smells like butt, he doesn't have a shot in hell of getting a woman's real first name, let alone getting the panties. Deodorant, mouthwash, soap, and a clean hair are important. Your mama may love you if you smell like a pig's ass, that chick in the club with the big knockers you're trying to get at? Not so much.

9. Unable to hold a good conversation. I hate it when I'm having a good time and telling funny stories and a guy just can't keep up. A guy should also be remotely familiar with the news. There is no reason for a grown ass man to not know who the vice president is. You don't have to know who the speaker of the house is (extra cootchie points if you do though) but at least have some damned clue about who and what runs the country.

8. Priding yourself on being stupid. Okay, this one is a continuation on the last one. Some guys are stupid, but it's a whole new thing when he's proud of his sense of stupidity. If someone thinks its a sign of greatness that he can't name a single Elton John song or that he hasn't picked up anything to read since Clinton was in Office (and when he did read, it was only XXL magazine), it's time to put your panties back on and send him home.

7. Being a known hoe. Your boys might think it's great that you'll stick your dick in anything with a pulse, but women really aren't trying to hear that mess. Only pro athletes and highly successful rappers can get away with being easy. If you are willing to screw a chick, but you wouldn't be caught dead talking to her in public, for fear that someone you respect and want to impress may see you, you are not a pimp. You are not a mack. You are not "the man." You are a HOE.

6. Kids you have that you don't claim. So what, you had sex with a chick whose a hideous beast and world class bitch. Well, dude, that's your own damned fault. It's not the child's fault that you hate their mama, man up and take responsibilitly. No woman would want to risk a broken condom with a known sperm donor.

5. Living with your parents. Now, I'm not suggesting that all women are gold diggers so a man has to be living in a mansion for us to get with him. Many women are more than understanding that times are tough and sometimes we have to make sacrifices and do things that we don't like, such as downsizing in order to save money. (If that's the case, extra points if you take us to a nice hotel to get it on). But if you stay at your parents house and all you do is smoke weed and play Xbox all day, there is nothing we can do for you, nor you can do for us. What kind of woman would want to fuck you on your mama's couch?

4. A filthy apartment or car. Underwear in the middle of the damned floor, ants, forks stuck to the plates on the floor, mold in the refrigerator. What is that smell?! When was the last time this fool vacuumed or cleaned out the freaking toilet?! You want a woman who loves you no matter what, but only some low class broad with no standards would sleep with you in a nasty house. In the end, women think that if your house isn't clean, neither is your butt.

3. Omitting information that you know we'd want. Yes, we want to know if you slept with someone in our immediate family or close friend. Yes we want to know if you've got an incurable STD, or if you're trying to get us to come home with you, be up front and let us know if you share a bedroom with your little brother (enter #5). Yes, we also want to know if you slept with someone that we hate (you slept with that bitch?! Jesus Christ, how low are your standards?!) I've always been a fan of being honest, because the truth will always come out eventually. It's not worth the drama it will cause if the truth comes out later without you telling us first.

2. No job, no plans, no education, no future. No chance. When you're 18, no one really expects you to have a clear plan for where you want your life to go. However, when you're damned near 30, nobody is hearing that crap. Dude, get off the couch. Feed the homeless, go to school, find a job, go for a jog, read a book, write a dang book, just do something! It's so frustrating to see a man with so much potential waste his life and give up before it even started. And then that bum will want you to sit home on the couch with him and waste your damned life too just because he's got no ambition. Ladies say it with me "No, thank you."

1. Being a liar. God, I hate liars. Liars assume that everyone around them is stupid, which is irritating on so many levels. No, you're not ceo of a major company. No, you're not a platinum selling rapper. No, you're not secretly rich. No, you're not a Ph.D. Jesus fucking Christ, just tell the goddamned truth already. Women aren't stupid, despite what men have to tell themselves to make it through the day. Because women are notoriously and stupidly compassionate, most men could still get ass (it would be sympathy ass, but hey, tail is tail) if they admitted to how pathetic their existences really are.


Miss.Stefanie said...

I love this!!

UglyCleanBroke87 said...

Love this whole list, especially #2 and #10. Lack of ambition is a big turn-off, as well as total disregard for proper hygiene. If I have to hold my breath just to have a conversation with you, there's no way in HELL I'm getting in bed with you.