Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Day By Day

So Pookie and I got into an argument lately and it was a doozy. I'd finally had enough and I told him no more. That was it. For a week, our home was cold and uninviting. I didn't spend any time with him. He inquired about my day and about our son and I answered it all with one word sentences. I wanted so badly to shout about how hurt I was and how I just wanted to leave and never look back. Since I'm working now, I started working the numbers on how much it will take for me to move out and I'd starting combing craigslist to see about renting a house.

I hung out with a girlfriend during that time, and she commented about how upset she could tell I was because of my complete silence during most of our visit. It wasn't until she made that comment that I noticed how social I really am on a regular basis. But that day, I wasn't. That evening she suggested that her friend give me a reading from his deck of Egyptian tarot cards. According to the oracle, now is the time for me to focus on myself and that way if Pookie and I find our ways back to one another, things would be better. But strangely enough, the oracle never said that I should totally let him go.

One night I came home particularly late and I didn't want to hear shit. We argued some more, but then he pulled me into talking. He's so good at getting me to talk to him, even when I don't want to. The next day he asked me to come to a Clottey/Pacquiao fight party with another couple we know. Reluctantly, I went. Before that, I was supposed to have went to see some of my kids, but my plans got cancelled so he came with me to do some shopping. I found some gorgeous Ellen Tracy snake skin peep toe heels that I was about to buy and he actually bought them for me. Needless to say, I'd warmed considerably by then. Of course it wasn't about the money he spent, and I know that he wasn't trying to buy my forgiveness (he had it by then) he was just being a gentleman. He can be so sweet.

We stopped to get something to eat and we finally talked again. And that's when I told him that I really don't want to let go. And I don't. I love him. Yes, we argue. And God only knows how much he works my damned nerves, but I'd jump in front of a bullet for him. But the fact of the matter is that for now, I need to be alone and so does he. I can't ignore that when he and I got together, I was ending a bad situation with my ex, and he was involved with someone else. What was supposed to be a whirlwind romance resulted in a little one, which brought us together, in one way or another, forever. The way we got together was created by such a crazy and precise set of circumstances that I've always felt that we were meant to get together and have a baby. To be honest, throughout the last 3 and a half years I've grown to love him so freaking much. I may talk shit about him all day long, but he knows that I'd do anything for him. Perhaps I should walk away and some days, I wish that I could.

My fear is that the day will come for us to need to leave one another alone, but I won't be able to. I don't want to hold onto a bad situation. I think about that tacky ass skeezer chloe and all I can think is that I'd rather get herpes in my eye than to end up desperate like her. My ex/her baby daddy is a selfish manipulative bastard and she knows it. She's even called and texted me, begging me to take his ass back. Yet she continues to hang on to him like he's a chicken wing that her fat ass can't put down. I look at that ignorant hood rat and think to myself that I'd hate to be like her, holding on to a man for nearly 15 years and still no ring on her hand and still not wanting to be with him half of the time.

When Pookie and I stopped and talked, I said to him "I don't want to let go" and I began to cry. But I knew that I needed some space for me and my son. I need to figure some things out. As I said, I went straight in from a bad situation and I can't say that I've exorcised all of my negativity from my previous relationship. Pookie admitted that he too doesn't want to let go, either. But he stated that he'd like to see what life is like alone, and for that I can't blame him. So we agreed that for now, we'll split and see where life leads us, with the possible intention of us getting back together.

Perhaps it's just me, but I feel a lot better knowing that things aren't just going to split. I love knowing that there's still a chance that we'll get back together. I know that many separations that are supposed to be temporary turn out to be permanent. But there is something so wonderful about knowing that he loves me too. Pookie (while too shy to say it) is the object for desire for a lot of women, but he brings his tall, goofy, yellow ass home to me. Perhaps its because underneath his bravado, he's a normal flawed cat, and I love everything about him, even his flaws.

And if after our separation, we do end up back together and things are right, I'd see us in a better place to talk about getting married. No rush though. I'm loving us how we are.


Anonymous said...
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Kingsmomma said...

I agree that now you need to focus on you. You both need your separate spaces. Maybe you are meant to be together, maybe you aren't but you both need to find that out.