Changes

Last night, my homegirl Nora hit me up and asked me to run her through the neighborhood of the potential home she's about to rent. We went there and actually walked through the house. It was spacious and cozy. She asked me what I thought about it and I told her that if she doesn't want that mofo, if it's still available when my lease is up, I'll take it off of her hands myself.

On the way there, I told her that I've been in the market for furniture and she told me that the Salvation Army has auctions. I looked her square in the eye and said "nope." That's right, no to hand-me-down furniture. I've finally got a job that pays be a handsome amount and when I get my new place, the plan is to put nothing but new furniture in it. I've already started my shopping and I'm so excited about it. This will be the first time in my life that I've bought something big that wasn't a car. But this time, no one is co-signing or anything. That's right, it's MINE.

Nora and I reflected on how we're actually growing up. My last solo apartment was a true shithole, but dammit it was my shithole. Used furniture, cat hair. Man, I miss that place. I even rolled through my old neighborhood, which I dubbed my "Mexican ghetto." It was in the middle of the city and my house was the hang out spot. It wasn't uncommon for people to drop by my home and stay the night because they were too drunk to drive or just didn't want to be alone. While living alone, I let about 7 people crash on my couch at some time or another. And then the pregnancy came and changed every thing up. While with Nora, I contemplated getting an apartment up the street from my old complex, but she urged me to move past my nostalgia and be glad that I could afford an apartment that my parents wouldn't be embarassed to know that I reside in.

Coincidentally enough, I got a call from my friend Anita earlier today. I told her about how excited I am to have my first adult job and how great it feels to have expendable income. I've been working and researching to get Pookie a dope ass birthday present this year. Last year, I got him balloons, 5 Moonpies, and Pumpkin and I drew him a big card. Believe me when I tell you, I'm going to blow that out of the water this year. His birthday is in another month and I'm counting down to reveal it to him. While I'm shopping around to get a good deal, let's just say that I'm about to spend more on him than I've spent on any other man in my life. And I'm glad to do it.

Anyway, I told Anita how I went into a Dollar Tree the other day and I actually spent nearly $9 on crap. That's right, I was able to blow $9 and not kick myself. While I did scold myself for spending money on stuff I didn't need, that $9 wasn't going to keep me from eating. It's not going to keep me from putting gas in the car. Anita and I both marveled on how far we've come. Anita reminded me that at one point, she also slept on my infamous couch. Now Anita is managing a bar in Miami and I'm a counselor.

We're all no longer keeping shitty houses. We're actually talking about buying property. I've convinced Nora to join me on my quest for new furniture. That's right, no thrift stores or auctions. I even had a conversation with my homeboy Leo about life insurance today.

Times are good.

Portia

I spoke a little bit earlier about one of my best friends, Portia. Apparently, my stalker googled me and found that Portia and I are close and sent Portia a friend invite on Facebook. Portia took one look at the invite, and knew that th skeezer was up to no good and declined it without a second thought. That's only one of the many reasons that she'll always be my homie.

So anyway, to give you a little of a back story on Portia, I met her in the third grade at the Meadows Elementary and we were in Ms. Mack's class together. She also lived in my neighborhood and we often walked home from school together. We hung at eachother's homes and we were really close. We eventually lost touch but briefly reconnected in middle school, but we no longer shared classes or walks home. Again we lost touch. I ran into her again a few years after we graduated high school, but we weren't able to exchange contact info.

About two years ago, I thought back on Portia and decided to look her up. I guess I forgot to also add that Portia is the daughter of the late Fred "Rerun" Berry of the show "What's Happening?" which was how I found her. All I had was her name and her father. Long story short, we linked up on Myspace. I got a bulletin about an online radio show that she had started. I decided that I'd call in. And the rest has been a beautiful history.

Who knew at the time that I was friends with a woman that would eventually go on to do great things in the entertainment industry? She was on the pilot episode of the show "Hole in the Wall" and she's the woman that famously shouted "OH CRAP!" as that huge foam thing ran into her. (I just looked it up and her clip all over YouTube and it's still hilarious!) She's acted in a few small independent roles, starred in a play, done some plus sized modeling, was recently voted to be the Face of E.L.F. cosmetics and she just got back from taping a Safe Auto commecial that's due to start airing in May. She's even in it with Justin Case.

I'm just writing to say how absolutely proud I am of Portia. I've seen her go through shit that would have downed anyone else. She's not a petite woman and believe me, the public is often very callous in letting her know that. But she maintains a smile. Yeah, she's been hurt by some things that were said and done. Some people have even personally emailed her to attack her just because of her weight. I've often begged her to forward me those emails so that I can reply to the sender and make them wish that their father had worn a condom. But Portia, ever the calm (and smart) business woman never sends them to me. Although my offer still stands to threaten the life of anyone that hurts my friend's feelings.

Sometimes I wish I had what Portia had, but I know firsthand that she's worked very hard for her success and I look forward to supporting her in any way possible. Because that's what friends are for.

Day By Day

So Pookie and I got into an argument lately and it was a doozy. I'd finally had enough and I told him no more. That was it. For a week, our home was cold and uninviting. I didn't spend any time with him. He inquired about my day and about our son and I answered it all with one word sentences. I wanted so badly to shout about how hurt I was and how I just wanted to leave and never look back. Since I'm working now, I started working the numbers on how much it will take for me to move out and I'd starting combing craigslist to see about renting a house.

I hung out with a girlfriend during that time, and she commented about how upset she could tell I was because of my complete silence during most of our visit. It wasn't until she made that comment that I noticed how social I really am on a regular basis. But that day, I wasn't. That evening she suggested that her friend give me a reading from his deck of Egyptian tarot cards. According to the oracle, now is the time for me to focus on myself and that way if Pookie and I find our ways back to one another, things would be better. But strangely enough, the oracle never said that I should totally let him go.

One night I came home particularly late and I didn't want to hear shit. We argued some more, but then he pulled me into talking. He's so good at getting me to talk to him, even when I don't want to. The next day he asked me to come to a Clottey/Pacquiao fight party with another couple we know. Reluctantly, I went. Before that, I was supposed to have went to see some of my kids, but my plans got cancelled so he came with me to do some shopping. I found some gorgeous Ellen Tracy snake skin peep toe heels that I was about to buy and he actually bought them for me. Needless to say, I'd warmed considerably by then. Of course it wasn't about the money he spent, and I know that he wasn't trying to buy my forgiveness (he had it by then) he was just being a gentleman. He can be so sweet.

We stopped to get something to eat and we finally talked again. And that's when I told him that I really don't want to let go. And I don't. I love him. Yes, we argue. And God only knows how much he works my damned nerves, but I'd jump in front of a bullet for him. But the fact of the matter is that for now, I need to be alone and so does he. I can't ignore that when he and I got together, I was ending a bad situation with my ex, and he was involved with someone else. What was supposed to be a whirlwind romance resulted in a little one, which brought us together, in one way or another, forever. The way we got together was created by such a crazy and precise set of circumstances that I've always felt that we were meant to get together and have a baby. To be honest, throughout the last 3 and a half years I've grown to love him so freaking much. I may talk shit about him all day long, but he knows that I'd do anything for him. Perhaps I should walk away and some days, I wish that I could.

My fear is that the day will come for us to need to leave one another alone, but I won't be able to. I don't want to hold onto a bad situation. I think about that tacky ass skeezer chloe and all I can think is that I'd rather get herpes in my eye than to end up desperate like her. My ex/her baby daddy is a selfish manipulative bastard and she knows it. She's even called and texted me, begging me to take his ass back. Yet she continues to hang on to him like he's a chicken wing that her fat ass can't put down. I look at that ignorant hood rat and think to myself that I'd hate to be like her, holding on to a man for nearly 15 years and still no ring on her hand and still not wanting to be with him half of the time.

When Pookie and I stopped and talked, I said to him "I don't want to let go" and I began to cry. But I knew that I needed some space for me and my son. I need to figure some things out. As I said, I went straight in from a bad situation and I can't say that I've exorcised all of my negativity from my previous relationship. Pookie admitted that he too doesn't want to let go, either. But he stated that he'd like to see what life is like alone, and for that I can't blame him. So we agreed that for now, we'll split and see where life leads us, with the possible intention of us getting back together.

Perhaps it's just me, but I feel a lot better knowing that things aren't just going to split. I love knowing that there's still a chance that we'll get back together. I know that many separations that are supposed to be temporary turn out to be permanent. But there is something so wonderful about knowing that he loves me too. Pookie (while too shy to say it) is the object for desire for a lot of women, but he brings his tall, goofy, yellow ass home to me. Perhaps its because underneath his bravado, he's a normal flawed cat, and I love everything about him, even his flaws.

And if after our separation, we do end up back together and things are right, I'd see us in a better place to talk about getting married. No rush though. I'm loving us how we are.

What In the World Is Happening?

I told myself that I wasn't going to write a lot about some of the things that happen on my new job, but the things I'm learning and experiencing are so incredible that I can't help but to come here and ponder on them.

So anyway, one of the kids I work with (for this post, I'll call him "Terrence") has had improved behavior so I decided that as a treat, on a beautiful day like yesteray, I decided to reward him with a trip to the basketball court. He, his mother and I sat together to brainstorm on the closest one. His mother suggested one, and Terrence said "that's where people get shot and women get raped." So yeah, we nixed that one. His mother suggested a community center, and Terrence said that they're closed on Sundays. Then he suggested a local park, so we agreed to go there.

When we got there, we saw about 8 guys hanging around, and I noticed that one of them was wearing all black, and topped with a black bandana. My first thought was that he must be a gang banger, but then I immediately checked myself for thinking the worst about him, based simply on his clothes. Something about the guy stood out, especially since the other guys around him weren't quite as pressed, but nevertheless, I moved past it.

Terrence and I got on the court, where he began to beat me like I stole something. We noticed that two other guys showed up, and they started playing on the opposing hoop. One of the guys happened to be wearing all black, but I instantly noticed that he was also wearing a black bandana. That was all of the proof I'd needed. I looked up at the guys on the side of the court and noticed that most of them may not have been ass cleanly pressed as the first guy, but most of them were wearing mostly black. Then out of no where, they started to play on the same hoop we were on.

I've never taken small hints simply, but I knew what they were saying. That was their park, and they weren't sharing. I went over and whispered to Terrence that we should leave. I took him to a bookstore instead.

I don't think there's any one way to describe how I felt. I was angry. I was sad. I was confused. Where were the police? Why the hell should a bunch of brain dead drop outs with nothing to live for, keep kids off of a basketball court? There it was, a lovely day, on a sunny warm Sunday afternoon in a neighborhood filled with kids, and no one could enjoy it there because of them. At the same time, I guess that by keeping their turf free of outsiders, they kept innocent bystanders from getting hurt in the event of a fight, stabbing, or drive by shooting. But why can't they hang out at their mama's houses? Instead, they have to take away a community property because they don't have shit else going on.

What the fuck?