Him

Dear World,

I have a secret. Well, I guess it's not a secret anymore, but I digress. You see, there's this guy. But he's so much more than just a guy. We met a while back and he totally makes my heart flutter. When we see one another we embrace and say our hellos. He asks about my family and I tell Him that the baby and his father are well. I ask about his acquaintances and he always says that they're doing well.

But underneath the formal public greeting, there's an unspoken vibe. The truth is that I'd like to ride Him like a mechanical bull. I want Him to twist me up like a pretzel. I want to cling to Him like a cheap suit. But I can't. Of course Pookie would claim to be okay with it, but he lies. Well, he lies about that at least.

I'm so absolutely in lust with Him. I'd love to say that I'm in love with Him, but it's not the case. He's still special just the same though. This guy speaks to my heart. Something about his voice makes my day better. His smile brightens the darkest room. Perhaps if the universe were different, he and I would have met at a different time and things could have been different. But they aren't.

Sometimes, I imagine that he and I would run across each other in a dark smokey room, dance the night away, and then find a hotel suite to continue "dancing" in. He could live, knowing about our secret rendezvous and I know that he wouldn't tell a soul. I, however, was born with an uncanny ability to tell the truth no matter how much it fucks my life up. I'd be so much happier if I could lie every blue moon to save my ass, but no, God blessed me in other ways. So anyway, even if he and I did eventually do the horizontal Tootsie Roll, I'd eventually feel guilty and tell Pookie, which would just eff us up, and believe me that's the last thing I want. Pookie and I have been doing quite well lately, and the last thing I need is to go mess things up by doing the nasty with Him. My son and his father mean the world to me, so I guess I'll just have to give up on the romantic fantasy of a tryst with Him to keep my family together. That's the kind a sacrifice a real woman would make.

It's just so hard. Today, my girlfriend and I ran into Him. She'd never met Him before, but she instantly noticed our connection. She noticed how my voice got higher and how my cheeks flushed. We hugged as always, but somehow I get the feeling that he doesn't always hug all of his female friends. I asked if she thought he was digging me too, and she said that he was definitely checking for Malika. *sigh*

I have to admit though, at least I know he's eyeballing me too. When you grow up as that ugly fat girl, you spend your whole life oogling men who wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire. Suddenly, you grow up to become that chick with the great personality and swag for days, and you actually get the attention of men like Him in return. What a difference a day makes. He wants me too. I know it. And I feel so dirty (in a good way :}) and it makes me want Him that much more.

Anyway, perhaps if Pookie and I get to a place where we're just friends and we've moved on with our lives, then I'll be able to pursue the handsome guy that makes my heart flutter. But in the meantime, I'll have to settle for the what ifs...