Wait For Love

I'm such a gemini. In the same breath that I can say I love my son's father, I can say that I hate him. The fact of the matter is that before I got with him, I was with my ex for 10 years. Between my 3 years with the man who is my best friend 50% of the time (that would be Caleb's daddy) and my ex, what I've come to see is that I'm truly okay being alone. Many of my girlfriends tell me not to give up on the prospect of being with pookie, but its relieving and freeing for me to not feel it necessary to fight for something that may or may not meant to be. God only knows how hard I tried to fight to hold on to my ex, and (thankfully) we see how that turned out. And after my ex, I got with another man that I tried desperately to make things work with. So far, we've managed to become friends and to have a wonderful child. Truthfully, I'm okay with the progress we've made. Yes we stumble, but as parents and as friends, we are a constant work in progress.

So anyway, to throw a wrench into my constantly trying to be a mature person, my ex's crazy baby mama has popped back up. This chick calling me at this point is laughable. I truly don't want my ex. I've moved on with my life, I have a child with another man, I live with said man, I've graduated college. My goals and my future are all focused around my son. So what does this tacky skeezer want? Same shit, different day. Dude is messing around, she's pissed and she wants sympathy from and drama with me. This crazy ho even had the nerve to tell me that she'd screwed her man's best friend in an attempt to make him leave, but he stayed with her which showed how dedicated he is to her (WTF?! where I come from, that makes you a HO, not someone's main chick, but I digress). Stupidly for the first day, I argued back. I told my big sis about it, and big sis went to town on it. For yall that don't know, my big sister is the original "pit bull in a skirt." Yeah, we'd had our issues in the past, but my Cousin's passing brought me and my sisters back together. But anyway, my sis lit her up. Sis reminded her of what a dumbass loser she is and my sis also reminded the baby mama that she's been babysitting this dude for the last 13 years and that nobody wanted him but her. We also had to remind her that if dude hasn't married her after 13 years and a kid, he sure as hell isn't going to. My sister said a bunch of other mean things to her, but the crazy bitch isn't even worth me repeating it. Since saying what needed to be said, my sis has pretty much blocked her and ignored her. My sister and I are truly bonding over the experience of putting this silly slut in per place.

Moving on, this whole thing has made me truly see what a peaceful place I'm in spiritually and mentally. Its such an awesome feeling to know that I'm not waiting for someone to drop down on one knee. Somedays, I truly don't even think that I want to be married. In my heart I now realize that if it isn't good love, it isn't worth it. If you have to call and argue with other women, if you have to scrutinize someone's every move, if you spend over a decade together and you still aren't getting along, its not love, it's a fucked up relationship. It's co-dependency. It's sad. It's pathetic.

Today, while riding in the car, one of my favorite songs came on, the song "Wait for Love" by Luther Vandross. Its amazing how I'd ignored this song as it played on the slow oldies stations for many years, but one day, its chorus caught me and I realized how truthful Luther was being.

"I never stopped believing

there could one day be a chance

for me to

Get the love that I've been missing

Sometimes love takes a long time

But, wait for love and you're gonna get the

Chance to love - wait for love, wait for love"

In his infinite wisdom, Luther was dead on. Its time to stop rushing it and let it find you. Learn to be happy alone and stop letting a man define you. Today while I was in the car jamming to Luther and expounding on my own greatness, I saw a motorcycle ahead of me. A motorcycle wreck is how Jarronn died. That motorcycle reminded me of the love that Jarronn had for Jessica. My eyes watered when looking at it. I really miss my cousin. But I think that seeing that motorcycle while listening to that particular song, was Jarronn's way of reminding me that love doesn't hurt and there's no need to hurry along what is supposed to be a beautiful process. By the way, Jessica has been writing a blog to chronicle her time since Jarronn's loss. I recommend it, highly. You can find it at www.jessicaliving.blogspot.com she's been posting daily so far. Its really inspirational.

I love knowing that I'm happy in my own skin and that I'm glad to be ready to get and land on my feet so I can live alone again and get to spend time alone with Malika to rediscover her since she's grown up so much recently. I love the progress I've made as a friend, a mother, a lover, a writer, and a fighter. Yay me.

"Put a Ring On It"- SHUT THE F*CK UP!!!

Recently while making my local blog rounds, I came across a post on Bossip about first date nonos. Many women were saying how they hate it when men don't pay on the first date. I commented on how on me and Pookie's first date, we stopped at a gelato spot and I had to pay for our gelatos because the place we were at didn't accept cards, which was all he had. He kept saying that we could run by an atm so he could pay me back and I told him not to worry about it. He's now the father of my child, he pays all of the bills, and his financial support helped me to graduate college. Two days from now will actually be the three year anniversary of our first date.

And what did I get for my words of wisdom about not judging a man harshly based on his perceived finances? I got chickenheads asking me if we're married. Actually to quote them, they wanted to know if he'd "put a ring on it," suggesting that things couldn't be that good if we're not married. Despite my many issues with Pookie, I truly love him with all of my heart. Do I want to marry him? No. Do I want to marry anyone? NO.

I respect Beyonce for her little tune about "putting a ring on it" however I'm so sick of people suddenly acting like a relationship isn't valid if two people haven't made it official for the government. The parents of one of my dearest friends have been together nearly 30 years, they own a home together and they are two of the kookiest and most fun and functional in a relationship people that I think I've ever seen. I've got another friend whose mother was married before, but after her divorce, she's got a good boyfriend who's strong, loyal, great to her kids, wonderful around the house. They live together. And they have no intention of getting married. My own mother was married twice, once to my father. My father and her next husband were total assholes. Her new man treats her the way a man should treat a woman. He literally caters to her. He even sends my son clothes sometimes. And he and my mom have no intention of getting hitched.

A few years ago when I was 19, I met a local radio personality who was trying to sleep with me. Did I mention that he was about 35 years old with a wife and child at home? I finally told him that I couldn't sleep with him and he gave me some lame line about him not being attracted to me because of my weight. Of course he never mentioned a problem with my weight until I told him that I wasn't going to fuck him. The loser just had to protect his ego. Funny enough, I've seen his wife out and about and you couldn't tell her that her shit didn't stink. The reason I didn't sleep with him was because he had a woman at home and all I could think was what a blow it would be to her ego for her for her man to be screwing some teenager. So I walked away. But he was a LOUSE.

I've got another homegirl who found out that her husband had cheated on her after her gynecologist told her that she had chlymdia. My father has cheated on his current wife over and over again, but frankly she's too naive and scared to believe it. Its crazy that I'm only his daughter and I know when he's out "working" until 1 in the morning, that he's getting his d*ck wet, yet his wife doesn't realize that. I heard about another homegirl that got wifed up, and she's having drama with her husband's baby mama because he's still screwing her. But she's the one he put a ring on.

Now I'm not saying all of this to say that I'm anti-marriage. I think that marriage is a beautiful and wonderful institution, when its entered into by two dedicated people that are willing and most importantly, ready, to make that leap. However, just because two people are married doesn't not make them happy. God only knows how much I love the father of my son, and I truly don't think that any woman could ever love him as much as I do. I've seen that man on his best days, and I've seen him on his worst days. I know what a bastard he really is at heart, and I love his inner bastard as much as I love the man that comes home and cooks dinner so we can have family movie night. I believe our bond is strong. It's obviously got it's imperfections. Are we any less serious because we're not married? Not at all. Our lack of marriage simply says that we realize that we probably aren't made to be together forever. But while we're together right now, we're a family unit that's continuing to work on our problems. The man was married before and we all know how that turned out.

All I'm saying is that a relationship should be judged, based on the commitment that two people have to one another, not just on a ceremony that people put on.

On a side note, I recently lost my cousin, Jarronn Jackson. Jarronn was only 29 years old. Jarronn got married back in mid May. He married a beautiful woman. Our last phone conversation, I mentioned to him how difficult relationships are. And Jarron told me how his relationship to his wife was simply effortless, which is how he knew she was the one. Less than three months after his wedding, he's gone. But I'll always remember the way he talked so lovingly about his wife and how happy they were. Jarronn showed me what marriage is supposed to look and feel like. Frankly, I don't have that with Pookie. But I love him just the same. But I don't see myself marrying a man if I don't see him being as excited about a relationship as Jarronn was. So I'd prefer to say that its not going to happen and later be surprised, rather than to hold out for something as effortless as Jarron and Jessica, and have it not happen. Jarronn loved Jessica with all of his heart before they got married. And I know he loves her with all of his heart from heaven.

I'll miss you Jarronn. Please hug my loved ones for me. And even though you're gone, I plan to hold to my promise to name my next child after you!!!

Please pray for me and my family.