Emotionally Safe

I got a text from an ex last night. Whoever it was isn't important. But this person has an extensive history of pretty much completely ignoring me and coming back whenever whoever or whatever they were chasing no longer pans out. I always had deep love for him, so I was always glad when he came back around. But with all of the changes going on in my life recently, I've had way more opportunity to reflect on that behavior and how it's made me feel in the past.

Being vulnerable here, I have abandonment issues. I can't quite flesh out which childhood trauma the issue comes from, but one of the worst things a person can do to me is to get close to me and then disappear. It rips away a part of my soul and crushes me like nothing else. I require, at the very least, closure, a phone call, a messenger pigeon, something! Because otherwise, I sit around a stew and wonder if the person is mad at me, or if there's something I could have done better. It eats at me, because if I value the person, I want to make sure that I'm not doing something bad to push them away, unintentionally. My inner child comes rushing to the surface, and needing comfort, whenever this behavior happens again.

This particular ex has a long history of disappearing on me, and each time, it hurts just as much. One day, I thought I'd explain to him why it hurts me and to make a small request- if he knows that he's unavailable, to just let me know. To maintain his privacy, he didn't even have to reveal what he was going through at the time, simply let me know that he was doing something and that he'd pop back up when he was ready. Was his response "sure, I'm sorry Malika, I'll try to be more conscious in the future of letting you know that I need to disappear for a few, and that it's not personal"? Nope! He said something along the lines of "why do I have to check in with you?" "you're just trying to keep tabs on me!" and "I'll see" about letting me know. Dismissive. I'd even venture to call his attitude towards me, indignant. He felt that telling me that he sees my messages and that he just needs a minute to himself, as asking too much. If you're wondering if he ever attempted to let me know when he was going to disappear into the future again, he absolutely did not. It remained a pattern that I foolishly remained in for far too long.

Yesterday, as I went about my day, for some reason, he was on my mind, strong. I thought back on that conversation where I explained to him how much it really messed with me when he disappeared, and how defiant he was. How he seemed bothered and defensive about sending me a simple goddamned text message to tell me that he was alive. He was flippant about the idea, and acted as though communicating that with me was somehow a violation of his personal freedoms. And I stewed heavy in those thoughts.

Then, last night, as I settled into bed, I got the text message from him. It seemed to be a casual check in, nothing pressing. He said that he'd had some time between activities and wanted to say hello. I responded briefly, but I was floored that I'd been thinking about him particularly strongly that day, and then he popped up. It was pretty late, but still, the old me would have made a moment to at least call him to hear his voice for a second. But I didn't. I was flat. Boring, even. As I read those words dancing on my phone, all I could go back to was "I'll see."

I've had quite a few men who popped into my life lately, but what I've started to hone in on is "does this person make me feel emotionally safe?" I've always made men feel emotionally safe. They drop their secrets and their emotional baggage onto me like a ton of bricks, and like a champ, I always hold them up and make them feel seen and heard. I never bring drama and bullshit to them. They can call me, any time, day or night, and I always hold space for them. They always know that they can come running home, whenever they need to feel safe and loved. But where does that exist for me?

For way too long, I let this particular ex come in and out of my life. I provided him with assurances, attention, and affection, even though I now see that he didn't deserve it. And for the one thing that I asked him not to do, the one thing that would save me mental anguish, he did it with his whole damned chest, repeatedly. And I can't even be too mad at him, I sat back while the blueprint was being created. Time to undo that.

Last night, after I responded with one or two words, he texted something again. I saw it. I didn't respond. It was late. I went to sleep and didn't bother to tell him that. Why for? I woke up and saw that he'd texted, asking if I was at work. I was in bed, knocked out. 

Am I going to check with him, like I once did? Do I anticipate going to him, and dropping all of my activities whenever I come across his name on my phone in the future? I'll see.

(No.)