Love- I Guess

I'm on the other side of Dres' funeral now. There were 4 events to commemorate his life. I was out of town for the first 2 of them. Kinda glad that I missed 1 of those 2 though. I was definitely in attendance for his funeral and celebration night at MJQ though. It recently occurred to me that although I knew him as Dres, I think I got to know the actual Andre. I mean sure, I saw him at some events and I cheered him on, but I'd kinda gotten out of the party scene. Our time was always good though. I found myself thinking back on those smaller moments, like the Monster Energy jacket he'd given me, that I wore everywhere. Or that time I was hungry, so he gave me the coco bread sandwich he had. Overall, I miss my friend now and I always will.

On another note, I went on my annual birthday pilgrimage. I swore to myself that I wouldn't go and that I'd save the money, but I went anyway. I even met Smokey Robinson in Modesto, California, so no regrets at all! I'd spent a few days in L.A. Had I known that I would be on talking terms with Fred again, I'd have spent more time there. He works and when I get in town, I tend to visit my favorite haunts and check in with my friends, so when getting my hotel for the night, I opted for 2 beds, so that he could stay the night too. I felt it was the best way to get in some time together, without the temptation of nookie. I noticed that whenever I crash at his place, he's up and at 'em, bright and early in the morning. And whenever he crashes in a hotel with me, he tends to sleep in. I'm sure he never noticed it, but I think that's because he feels secure with me, and I appreciate feeling needed in that way, while I typically resent it with most men. I love watching him rest.

I'm proud to share that I managed to share a hotel room with for 2 nights with that man and nothing happened. I'll admit that was the closest I've come to breaking my streak though. To his credit, he never tried to force the issue, in spite of our long history. My vag-watching homies warned me that if anyone would be the ultimate temptation, it would be him and they were right, but I held firm. 

I noticed though, that there'd been a shift. He's been kinder. More verbally affectionate. As I've stepped away from sex, it made me a bit more contemplative about dating and who meant what to me. I'll still maintain that if I ever entered a serious relationship (which I don't see happening, as I'm on my dique hiatus), I'd commit myself to staying far away from Fred. Healing, adult Malika recognizes that neither of us could be in a serious relationship and keep our friendship going, on this level.

Throughout my trip the Pacific Northwest, I had another realization- it's been 20 years with that dude. He's the last person I was seeing before I conceived my son and he even visited me in the hospital, after he was born. I often realize the length of our relationship through comparison to my son's age. Yike and wow. It hit home that even though he'll never be my husband, I love him. I love him in a way that I never loved any man, even my son's father, who I'd lived with for a while. I love this dude. I love that we have similar interests in movies tv, and I never have to beg him to go anywhere with me. I love that I can trust him and that he trusts me. I love that even if I get mad and say something below the belt, he's still there when I return with my tail between my legs. And he loves me too. Even if I'm not sleeping with him. It works in it's own, weird way. He's not the man for me to intertwine my life with. But I love him. And he loves me. It's confusing and weird though. And I'm okay with that.