Insecure, But Not Really

I'm really settling in to my new house and neighborhood. Unintentionally, the location of my home is in a pretty decent lil neighborhood. I just wanted something in my price range, that wasn't too far out of the city and I lucked up on this little gem. It also happens to be really close to one of my favorite coffeehouses, which is located in a funky hipster neighborhood. I'd already spent tons of time at my favorite coffeehouse, when I lived further out, but now that it's only like a 10 minute drive from my home, I'm able to stop in and vibe there that much more. And to add to the blessings, a friend of mine who I'd met who worked at that coffeehouse, ended up opening a breakfast spot two doors down from the there. I finally managed to make it in for a visit, and fell in love with the food and the great atmosphere, and I now stop in about 2-3 times a week.

Although I go there to mainly stretch my legs and get out of the house, when I have writing or work to do, I still go to my warm blanket known as the original coffeehouse. My buddy loves to give me a hard time whenever I tell him that I can't stay in his place and write at the same time. He swears that I can, but our great conversations about life and relationships is often too much of a distraction. I've also started to become acquainted with many of the regulars, making this place like a mini-Cheers for me. And to add to the awesomeness of the situation, we recently found out that he lives in my neighborhood, like walking distance from my house. He's also a single father of an awesome 10-year-old and I saw her in the cafe today and I told her that I plan to take her for walks with me, which she jumped at the opportunity to do.

It's really cool that as time goes on, I feel myself growing into this new era. My child is growing older and graduates high school in just over a year. I'm out in these streets, turning up, and looking forward to digging into this new and established version of Malika. I find myself walking through these Atlanta streets, attending events and loving my time with some of the most awesome and interesting people around. I can't help but to look around frequently and feel joyful to be able to live this amazingly fun life. And now that my son is entering young adulthood, it makes it that much more for me to look forward to.

I've slowed the yard work for just a second, but Pinterest has been a godsend by giving me ideas for my backyard, since I can't justify the $3k expense for the deck I wanted. I'm looking forward to buying an outside chair set and gazebo and lights, that'll create a perfect atmosphere for me to write outside. And as I get ready for my upcoming beach trip, my high school homegirl stopped in to braid my hair, something I haven't experienced since high school. They're mid-back length blonde braids, that we accidentally created the perfect beach waves on. I love that I'm building the aesthetic to match the era that I'm entering. 

While working from home, Netflix has been my preferred way to pass time between calls. I decided that it's been a few years and high time for a rewatch on the show, Insecure. It's almost embarrassing to acknowledge that Insecure has been a big part of my hotgirl developments. Before I moved to Los Angeles, I saw parts of myself in Issa and saw parts of her fuckery in relationships to my former love of my life, Fred.

Wild how I'm no longer that mindless, stumbling Malika. I'm good and grown Malika. I've landed nicely on my feet. I was even telling a girlfriend earlier today how often I'll hear someone talk about how much they hate their life and the fact is that I just don't relate to that. I go on adventures constantly, my friends are insanely fascinating and entertaining, I'm okay alone or with a group/person, I'm solid in my career, just bought a house, my spirit is amazing, and I'm never lonely. Seriously, it doesn't get much better than this.

And this rewatch of Insecure makes me that much more excited about moving into the era of life where I can adult without being tethered to the care of a young child. Even though he'll always be my baby, now that my son is growing into his own young adulthood, it allows me to focus that much more on delving into who and what Malika is, on her own.

Watching Issa and crew navigate complicated relationships and have the fun social interactions that they enjoy makes me that much more happy to be that woman. And while I no longer anticipate a long-term Los Angeles living situation, I do expect to spend a hell of a lot more time there, once I no longer have to worry about getting my child to school and overall supervision. My season is here and I'm so excited. A season without sex or superficial attachments to men who will ultimately disrupt my peace.

Just me, my margaritas, gym time, the sun and the beach. Turn up, bitches.

F.N.F.

I wasn't completely forthcoming about my past interactions with my professor in my last post. The fact is that I was immediately drawn to him when I first met him, as my proff. We often joked with one another during lectures. I was older than most of my cohort, I was in my 30s, he was in his 40s and it felt very natural to befriend him. I got A's in both semesters I took as his student, but not for favoritism, I just learned a lot and I enjoyed his class. He made the material easily digestible and I credit him with my being able to get things kick started with the pantry I started, because his class taught me how to adequately defend why certain programs are beneficial to their respective communities.

I don't recall exactly when we exchanged phone numbers, but it wasn't until I graduated and was fully out of school that we started to communicate more frequently. I was out one day and stopped at his house. And all of those animal instincts came out. It wasn't a bad experience, but the truth is that it left me feeling a bit cheap and discarded. Occasionally, over the years, he'd hit me up and share his desire to visit my home late at night, or extended an invite for me to go to his home. And I rejected him every time. In all honesty, I was still broke and figuring out my life when we did what we did, and I felt like he screwed me like a woman with no value. We could be homies, but in my mind, sex was completely off the table, moving forward.

I made it a point to pull up looking damned good when I saw him again. Although it really wasn't for him. I wanted to look good for me. We talked about our lives over the last few years that we hadn't been in touch. I'd asked if he thought about me during our absence. He told me that he did initially, but I'd once mentioned that we would no longer be having sex, and he felt offended that I'd implied that his only reasoning for him being in my life. I gave a genuine apology. I didn't intend to make him out to be some sort of perv, I was more so indicating that I wanted the direction of our friendship to change.

That's a large part of why I was so impressed that he saw the value in me a few weeks back when we hung out. He moved different. He complimented me. He was passionate. We made out that night, and he made it known that I was welcome to come to his home. I wanted to. I wanted to bad. It was all so sexy, and the way he grabbed and kissed on me, it was the passion and yearning I hadn't experienced in a moment. Lord knows, I wanted to throw caution to the wind. But I told him that as far as I am concerned, literally EVERY damned time I have sex, there's drama and bullshit behind it. And I'm just sick of running head first into that fire.

Proff reminded me that we'd slept together previously and there was never any drama or games before. And he was right. And I knew this guy. He's not like the others. But something told me that I needed to head on home. No nookie for us!

 

The next few days we continued to flirt via text. He'd contact me while I was working and I'd text him during his work day. I started to get comfortable. He started to get more familiar. I thought about it and realized that I hadn't had my back cheeks clapped in about 3 months. I mean, maybe, ya know? This isn't the  same guy who was dismissive some years ago. I've grown into my own, and he recognized it. 

Within a few days of dirty texting, I decided that maybe he was a safe space after all. I let him know that I was now open to having a romp or two. Hey, summer is around the corner, and he'd make for a decent situationship. And it seemed like the more I was willing to do it, the more he scaled back. We were supposed to get together one day and he said some family popped up and he had some business to handle with him. Ugh. Okay, family stuff. I get it. But then a few days later, when my schedule was again free, we were supposed to get together.

I woke that morning, planning out my day, and dropped him a text to confirm if we were still to meeting later on. And he saw it. That bastard never responded. And THIS is the bullshit I was talking about!!!! I'd told Proff earlier that he was only into the chase, and he disagreed. But when I was pushing his hands off of me, he was willing to fuck me in the middle of a parking lot. And now, here I am, ready to pull out the pretty drawers and rock his world, and he's leaving me on read.

By this point, I wasn't so much mad at the behavior, as I was about the fact that the assured me that he wasn't with the fuccboi antics, while this sure does reek of fuccboi behavior. That's what angered me. He could have left me how he found me. We could have flirted, maybe kissed and gone about our business. But no, this guy made a declaration that he wouldn't cause distress, but that's exactly what he did. 

I texted him told him that I'm glad that I didn't sleep with him, because it was all about the chase for him. He assured me that wasn't the case. I just texted back "okay." I wasn't about to argue and I wasn't about to give him the space to gaslight me. I know what I just saw and experienced and you aren't about to tell me that what just happened is not exactly what just happened.

As I continue to lick my wounds, I'm still trying to figure out how to lead these domestic violence courses. I've asked around, I've called, I've Googled until my eyes are crossed and for some reason, this process has been long and I'm barely any closer to getting answers on how to get this certification. 

There was only one person who I knew might have the answers. But I didn't want to contact him. He ghosted me, the ONE motherfucking thing I ask men in my life not to do. You can curse me out and tell me that you never want to see me again, hell, at least then, I'll have an idea of where I fall in your life. I'll call him Jackson. He's my former supervisor. I grew a lot under his tutelage, and the last time we saw one another about a year and a half ago, I told him that.

He was never my boyfriend, but he was so damned close. I was so physically attracted to him. He's a lifelong athlete, and lately, he's been focusing on boxing, which has resulted in his broad shoulders. That man and I were absolutely carnal in our hey day. And being that we were both therapists, we related on such a deep level. We'd send one another articles about the field occasionally, and he was seriously one of my best friends. I could tell that man anything. Then one day, he started it again. I noticed him pulling away. Again.

I asked him if there were issues. He denied that there was, but he was short with me. I knew his pattern. We'd gone through it before, but I let it pass previously, because at the time, I was being super needy and clingy, so I didn't blame him for scaling back in that instance. But this time was different. But it was still the same. He was pulling away, and when I asked for answers or clarity, he just shut down.

It was easier to move forward this time. I just didn't have the bandwidth to figure him out. I missed him, and I was hurt. I figured that he just had other things to focus on, and I just needed to accept that I wasn't a priority. And it hurt like hell.

But over the last year and some change that he's been out of my life, I've been okay. I've had far less sex, but I'm okay with that. The fact is that the last year or so that he's been gone has shown me how much men have been a disruption to my peace. Like I told Proff, EVERY DAMNED TIME that I allow someone with a penis into my space, it comes with regrets. Even the situations that are supposed to be casual, end up with confusion and poor communication. Men I've been good friends have turned into mindless pussy hounds. To put it short, I'm tired y'all.

I figured that when I texted Jackson to ask about the courses, he'd just look at my text, but not respond. But I was wrong. He told me that he was unsure, but that he'd reach out to some buddies and see what he could pull together for me. Again, after a year and a half of radio silence, I didn't expect traction from him. But surely enough, a few days later, he followed up. I thanked him. He told me that he was still trying to find more information, and that he'd get it to me when he could. I was appreciative, but I was very much still trying to find the info on my own.

April 1st, historically known as April Fool's Day, ended up being pretty bizarre for me, which I'd mentioned in passing to him. He asked how so, and I explained that it would be a lot to text. He sad that he'd like to hear it anyway, but I was at work. He was busy with something, but assured me that he'd contact me the following day. And like clockwork, he contacted me and asked me about my strange day. I called him and told him about the weird stuff I'd seen. I wanted to say so much about he and I. But I didn't know where to start.

After we got off the phone, I texted him. And I told him that he hurt me bad when he disappeared. He admitted that he knows it hurt me, and he apologized. But it wasn't some "here, now shut up" kind of apology. It was a long, thought out apology, where he explained that he'd had some serious stuff going on in his life and he felt like he needed to back up and that it would be better to not hurt me and include me in whatever he was dealing with.

Like his apology took full ownership of everything. And then he admitted that he never stopped loving me, and that he appreciated me loving him through it all. I'm not sure I've ever had a man pour out his heart like that to me. I was floored. Frozen, even. I asked what what was going on that was so hard. He said that it was difficult to explain over text, and that he'd tell me in person.

Motherfuck. I wasn't lying when I said that I'm exhausted. I'm glad that Jackson is back in my life. I missed my friend. I missed how we'd relate about work and about similar childhood situations. About how it was to grow up considered "ugly" by your classmates and suddenly be seen as a hottie. And how difficult that transition is to process, and live and the strange impact that change has on your mental health, and how we still struggle with self-esteem behind it. The sex was top notch as well.

I'd love to see him and hug him. But I'm nervous. Because even though I love and missed my friend, the last year and some change has resulted in me being pretty gun shy about dating and sex. I love my guy friends, but I'm sick of licking my wounds. I'd seriously rather be alone than to go through another disappointment or another friendship that has ended because some guy doesn't know how to communicate his feelings.

I'm so sick of having men who routinely act like they have to ghost me, because God forbid they have an actual conversation about whatever their issue is. But then, when I start matching energy, their inner rejected little boy will do anything for me to be the warm, friendly Malika they've always had access to. It's like people feel like just because you're a friendly and warm person, that means you're impervious to pain, but that just isn't true. I feel hurt and abandonment, just like other people.

My homegirl suggested that I meet with him just one time, to have him explain what was going on. But I'm scared to see him. I've always been so sexually attracted to him, that I fear what will happen if we get together. I've already decided that when we meet, it will be in public. I can't bring him to my home, and no meeting at night. I just don't trust myself. I'm tired y'all.