On Being the Recovering Needy Friend

I'm still in my lil' cocoon lately, and I'm frustrated because so many people around me have needed support that I can't really just hide the way I'd ultimately like to. I should likely develop stronger boundaries, and there are definitely some people and times where I strongly hold a stop sign and tell them that I'll get to them when I get to them. But I just wanna hide quietly, is that too much to ask? But I feel like I'll always extend myself in ways that I wish I sometimes wouldn't, all because I know what it's like to need a strong ear. And I was blessed to have many of them in my life. A lot of people aren't so lucky tho.

I look back and cringe at many decisions I made in life. I don't want to blame anyone or anything, but thinking about it now, pretty sure that my childhood had a lot to do with it. I never felt secure and I sought it out where ever I could, as I got older. If someone felt safe and familiar, I clung to them for dear life. What I have going for me and my former neediness is that at least I was always willing to give what I asked. But looking back I can still own that I was probably a lot to handle.

It's ironic what ultimately became my wakeup call. When I left my old job during the pandemic, and it was time to get it cracking again, I applied for a job at a rehab for women. I'd considered that position my dream job. I was able to work with women who were addicted to drugs and alcohol, with the ultimate goal being to reunite many of those women with their children, who were mostly taken by DFCS. What could be better than that, right?

Well, long story short, that job became one of the most toxic environments that I have ever existed in. But I gotta acknowledge, working in substance abuse ended up being one of the best things to ever happen to me. Because while we forced our clients to own their shit, I caught some of the blowback and was forced to own my shit as well. I realized that while I never had a big issue with drugs or alcohol, I realized that I had far deeper codependency than I'd realized. I also learned that I had a bit of an unhealthy attachment to men. And I still kinda do.

Another thing that kind of helped around the time was that I'd really started to work on my books, which made me look deep into myself on my own spirituality. I'd started an Instagram page that focused on mindfulness and as I posted things more often, plus using mindfulness to help women in the program, it made me that much more cautious of being an effective practitioner. And how can I be a practitioner, if I don't understand and live what it was that I was promoting? It started to really hit me. I had some stuff to work on, and nobody could fix this mess but me.

What made me think about this was that I was reading something online today where a woman complained that her friends convinced her to leave her alcoholic fiancé, but she now felt let down that they weren't still supporting her as she navigates singlehood. I read this and all I could think was how exhausting she sounds as a friend. Like these women literally saved you by helping you leave a toxic relationship, and now you're big mad because they aren't holding your hand as you learn to be single too?! Damn bitch, why don't you just have your friends live your whole life for you at this point?!

I'm genuinely horrified to know that I was at some point that friend. Sitting on the phone for hours on end as I mulled over what this person said versus what they meant. The conversations over the years about the bullshit David and my son's father doled out, plus other idiots. I'm so embarrassed of the woman I used to be, while being so proud of the woman that I currently am. I wish like hell that I could go back and explain to my old self that people have their own problems and don't wanna always be an ear for your bad decisions. I've already apologized to some friends and thanked others for being there for me when I was so difficult to love and I'll likely spend the rest of my life atoning and cringing for actions during that time.

Why did I have to be nearly 40-years-old before I finally saw that other people had their own shit to deal with and that I needed to be an adult and pull up my big girl panties and figure it out on my own? I dunno. But as much as I detest my former boss, I'm grateful for what I was able to take from that experience. You absolutely could not pay me enough to go back to that job. My peace of mind comes first (you know it's time to go when you're crying in your car on the way home).

I'm grateful though. I'm grateful, because I know how far I've come to be the woman who I am. Warts and all. These battle scars are real, but they show what a warrior I am. Because I had to defeat the biggest monster of them all. 

Myself.

Laying Low While FAMMing the Flames

I'm really unsure of what's happened for the last month or so, but I've really just been quietly in my little bubble. And while I'm quietly enjoying life over here, I'm significantly enjoying watching Kendrick Lamar absolutely destroy Drake. I've been a Kendrick fan since To Pimp a Butterfly dropped and I immediately went back and copped Good Kid MADD City. Since then, I've grabbed and absolutely adore everything he breathes on. It also doesn't hurt that Ali was a massive representative for California and the Bay area, so watching Kendrick blow up like this, while repping Cali just makes me know that my beautiful cousin is up there smiling down on us.

I've watched the Not Like Us video a crazy amount of times. I love that the people in the video are real. That's what sets Kendrick apart. He's a real human being. Not airbrushed. I mean, at some point in life, you have to accept yourself, warts and all. It's really refreshing that Kendrick shows that real adults can adult, and still have a lot to offer and bring to the table. I mean, as I lean into my mid-40s, it feels kinda nice to be a part of the hip hop discussion.

I'm trying so hard to include more on my book that I thought I'd finished. I started reading about word counts for books, and mine was at 30k, but I decided that it needed and deserved more. I can't wait for it to get a little cooler, nothing feels better than camping in a coffeehouse on a cool day, as the leaves blow in the background. I was aiming for 40k, but at the rate things are going, if I get a solid 36k-37k, I'll consider it a win. A friend asked me for a copy of my book and I'm kinda nervous about providing it to him, more so because it isn't perfect and has not been edited. But I'd love to get his opinion, so I might just give it to him after all. Hopefully he'll like it.

I suppose I should also include a small secret that I've kept from this blog for the last year. I swore that I'd be going sex-free for a while. A little over a year ago, I saw a man who was quite possibly one of the most stunning creatures I'd ever laid eyes on. It was the first official crush I'd had in eons. He worked at my apartment complex and I'd be reduced to an awkward school girl whenever I'd wave at him like an idiot in passing. Long story short, he ended up being a guy I went to middle and high school with.

And unknown to me at the time, many women in my complex also had eyes for him. I know that my affiliation to him dating back to childhood was a large part of what connected he and I. He has some shit to work on. I'll just keep it at that. It's wild to me that this man has no idea how much he oozes sex appeal. At one point, he and I were at a bar, and he walked up to the bartender to grab refills. He came back to his seat and immediately told me how the female bartender had hit on him.

I didn't say anything. I mean what could I say? He wasn't my mine. But if I'm with this man, at a bar, at 2am, there's a slight chance that he and I are connected in some way, ya know? Still though, I can't even be mad. If I was the throwing panties type of woman, he'd certainly bring out that kind of attention. And while we kept things on the low as we were seeing one another while I lived at his job, he'd report to me how some women in the complex were spreading rumors about who he was supposedly smashing. It's ironic, because he's genuinely a low-key person, and he doesn't like mess or drama and he's truly oblivious to attention from women. So all of the women lusting after him and spreading rumors are doing the exact opposite of what it would take to get next to him. I'm just glad that my name never came up on the gossip report. Cuz me and dude were being downright DISRESPECKFUL at times lol.

Now like I said, dude (whom I nicknamed Fine Ass Maintenance Man or FAMM) has some shit to work through. I've had to step away for a few reasons, no other women or anything like that. I told myself no more half-assed situationships, but here we are, yet again. Whenever I think about men I'd like to marry, FAMM ain't at the top of the list. Although I did ask myself a few months back if I had a choice to marry FAMM or Fred, I'd marry FAMM, hands down. Because while he certainly has some mental stuff to work through, he's never been as intentionally malicious as Fred.

Still though, although he ain't "the marrying kind" he's a nice substitute for a woman who's really not ready to deeply delve into the dating scene and kiss a bunch of frogs. As familiar with my dating life, I can't help but to feel that it's our shared trauma that keeps us in one another's spaces. I won't really talk much about his, but I didn't get the guy much when I was a kid. I was considered weird and fat. So I'm almost ashamed to say that I still get butterflies when the guy who I'd been liking all along, likes me back, especially when it's someone as easy on the eyes as FAMM. I also love that he's extremely funny and handy. If I can ever afford a house far into the future, I know that I can call on him for support. Something about a man that knows how to "swing a hammer," ya dig?