Wherever You Go, There You Are

I was previously working with a guy I'll call Carlton. Carlton and I took to one another immediately, and over time, we began to build a beautiful, mutual admiration and respect for one another. As time went on, we learned that we suffered the same sort of childhood trauma, in addition to the same propensity for certain sexual proclivities, even though he and I don't have sex with one another. Carlton is fine though. Damn fine. I love our friendship, one of dirty jokes, witty comebacks, and frequent texting of memes and other things we find useful on the interwebs. 

Within the last few years, as I wrestled with the dissolution of things between myself and Fred, Carlton often became my sounding board. I'd often call or text him to see if I was tripping about things, and Carlton was often able to give me insight about how to best handle Fred. One day, seemingly out of nowhere, Carlton says to me "you remind me of my ex-girlfriend." In true Malika form, I responded with "she must be awesome!" Carlton responded dryly with, "that's something she would say."

As time went on, I began to slowly recognize that Carlton had many of the same characteristics that Fred had. At one point, I shared with him that he too reminded me of a former love. I actually first recognized the physical similarities between Carlton and Fred. I talked to a girlfriend who'd seen both of them and she began to laugh that I have "a type." It's true, I guess I do. Both men are lifelong athletes, with physiques that show off their dedication to their physical health. Both are roughly the same shade of light caramel brown with heads full of curly hair. I've even joked that if standing next to one another, they could easily pass for cousins.

Occasionally I'd joke with Carlton about his similarities to my former love and how odd it was, in addition to the fact that Carlton has an ex that he often claims I remind him of. At one point, Carlton asked me to describe the ways in which he felt that he and Fred resembled one another. I'd never deeply thought of it before then, but I was quite jarred once I began to compile them in writing for a text. To start with, I recalled that they'd both grown up in religious homes. Both were deeply concerned with how they look. While I'm okay appearing in jeans and a tshirt on any given day, both put extreme amounts of effort into making sure they they look their best anytime they leave the home. Both act extremely confident, but secretly care way too much about what others think of them. Both are secretly ratchet while poised on the surface, but never let that be known because they fear what others would say. Both like to look like they like committed relationships, but neither really do. Both pretend to be stupid when its convenient for them.

Then I asked him to share any similarities that I share with the ex who he swears I resemble. He shared that she has a son my son's age, who is also extremely tall for his age. He shared that she and I are both anxious attachment types and both are easily distracted, both have issues with parents, and a few more similarities.

Pretty interesting, I must admit. He and I marveled at the similarities all around, and how in spite of us making moves to move away from former loves, we found one another, even though we're just friends. I believe that my relationship with Fred grew toxic, which is a shame. For years he was a healthy and loving part of my life, but somewhere along the way, he became manipulative, sneaky, and sometimes all out mean. Sure, I miss him in some ways. But I readily accept that he and I are officially over, as I move away from situations that don't properly serve me.

And as much as I couldn't adore Carlton anymore than I currently do, I can't help but to wonder what is the cosmic force that keeps he and I together? He and I discussed that obviously, despite us moving away from our pasts, something felt that we needed people that represent who we are, in one another's lives, for one reason or another. Carlton and I agree that we're polar opposites, but we really enjoy something about one another.

After 15 years of Fred, I ended things with him. Only to become extremely close with a man who shares a similar past in addition to similar characteristics. I left Fred alone, which took so much effort and courage- only to pick up a friend who is essentially the same person (only less detrimental to my mental well-being). I can't really pick out why that is. He and I have openly pondered on it, and we settled on there is obviously something in each other's lives that we're supposed to bring about. I'll state any day of the week that Carlton has been instrumental in guiding me as I navigate my career in social work. We text one another all day, every day and even when we experienced turmoil in our relationship, he was never not available to support me when I called him crying in my car about the shitty job I left in May.

There's no doubt in my mind that Carlton exists in my life for one reason or another. And I exist in his for the same. It's just odd to know that I finally moved away from one situation, only to walk squarely into something nearly identical. Oddly enough, I've often said to Carlton that he's actually a mix of Ted and Fred. Ted, the responsible one who also gave me guidance on work situations and shared conversations about the state of Black America, and Fred who was wild and free, sexy, and always open for adventure. That's Carlton. 

I don't know what it is. But I enjoy it. I crave it. I nurture it. I need it. It teaches me, it guides me, it helps me become a better version of myself. I guess that's why I'm here. Cuz I left one situation, only to essentially stay in it. I guess it's true, what they say. What's meant for you is meant for you.

Breaking Points

While grieving Pete, I mentioned the show Bojack Horseman and discussed how I love that it goes far more in depth about various nuances of human existence. One scene that resonated with me previously is when a good friend of Bojack's died and he began driving through the desert. I really appreciated how the show went past the surface of what grief looks like, the way other television shows tend to do. I love that his grief was never neatly tied up in one quirky episode, but how it literally took him a year to reappear and begin facing the world again. And even then, as he began to function again in daily life, he was haunted by memories and sadness of her passing. His grief presented like actual grief.

I've been keeping the show on the background lately and I recently honed in on another interesting aspect of the show. I'm going to give a bit of a spoiler here, so if you're planning to watch it, you may want to read any other of my hundreds of introspective posts. Anyway, in the show, Bojack discovers his long lost sister, Hollyhock. Hollyhock is an impressionable, bubbly teenager who absolutely adores her brother, in spite of him being an absolute mess.

Throughout the show, Bojack tends to push away and even violate and disrespect the people around him countless times (another source of contention in the story is Bojack's substance abuse). Throughout it all, his friends remain loyal and faithful, in spite of who he is. Although eventually, their dedication to him begins to fade too. As Hollyhock starts to get older, she begins to learn more about her brother and begins to distance herself. During this time, Bojack starts to see that his innocent younger sister hasn't been around and ceases picking up his phone calls. At some point, he learns that because she's started to see the kind of person that he really is, she opts to bow out of his life completely.

I don't know why that hit me so hard this morning. Like damn, she just said "nah" and stepped away. And like said before, I love how the show touches on real life scenarios and handles them realistically. I've seen so many people in life who feel that they should be granted carte blanche to be as reckless and insufferable as they please, with the insane notion that the people who love them will always be there. Their motto in life seems to be "better to beg forgiveness than to ask for permission." Sure, you may have to grovel a bit, maybe even beg, and promise to never do it again, but in the end, they'll come back. They always come back. Until they don't.

The show once again illustrates an important point about humans- that they break. Humans are just that- human. That no matter how much they love you and even worship you, at some point, self preservation comes into play and they have to remove sources of consistent pain, especially if those sources of pain are relentless in their pursuit of destruction of relationships and peace.

I understand that television is supposed to be a source of entertainment. That we often want conflict wrapped up in 30 minutes, with all of the protagonists hugging it out. And while I appreciate a nicely wrapped feel good story as much as the next person, the fact is that having this narrative thrown into our faces consistently severely warped our perception of reality and the complexities of human nature.

The fact is that not all conflicts are wrapped up in 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours, or even ever. Sometimes you can talk until you're blue in the face, you can explain, you can scream, you can cry, you can do everything in your power to make them understand you, and they still won't. Maybe they can't. Maybe they'll choose not to. But the result is the same- there is no resolution. No happy dance, no group of newly freed protagonists sitting around laughing in a circle about whatever they just unwrapped between far too many needless commercials.

In the real world, sometimes we just gotta sit in our shit. In the real world, sometimes we're the ones that walk away, and other times, we're forced to face the music in the loss of a relationship that we thought would never leave us. Hollyhock walked away, not because of something Bojack did, she walked away before he could hurt her, because she began to see him for who and what he really is. When people spend their lives toeing the line and destroying the hearts and lives of everyone they love, a breaking point is often reached. Finally, art imitates life.