Age of Reason: Or Lack Thereof

So I attend college with many people younger than me. The organization I intern with has 50 interns and only 5 of us are in graduate school. Of those 45 undergraduate students, I work closely with 3 of them. Of the 7 people I intern with, only one is older than me, he's 38. The rest are in their 20's. One is 29. The rest are younger. So essentially, I'm one of the few "grown" folks in my academic circles. Ted, who was in his early 40's, and I are no longer a thing, and I was bummed initially, but I emerged with a greater understanding of who I am and what I want, so I walked away with what I needed to learn to move forward.

Anyway, the majority of people that I encounter about 25 hours a week are in their early 20's. I'm definitely a world apart from many of the people around me. I'm one of the few with a child, living on my own, away from campus, having had real life work experience and real life experience in living. It makes a difference as I look at the people around me. Truthfully, my intern supervisor is about my age, and I feel like I have more in common with him than some of the younger people I'm near. I'm actually cool as hell with all of my intern supervisors. We're in kind of an elite club of educated, middle-aged black people. Not young and naive, but not old with outdated ideas.

I tried to go see Hilary Clinton when she came on campus at Clark to speak. They didn't let us in (some bullshit, but I digress), but I was painfully aware of the #BlackLivesMatters protesters that interrupted her speech. Young political me may have agreed with them. Older and experienced political me has a hard time taking them seriously because they have yet to outline a platform. In working on the election last year, I learned a lot about policy, politics and planning and I can honestly say that those kids have no fucking clue how to make a movement.

I recall when I entered school, several people theorized that I'd meet my future husband in grad school. After my first semester, when most of my male colleagues were either gay or married, and out of a class of 25 people, there were only about 4 males per class, I knew that the odds were slim of getting a new boo, even though I wasn't there for that anyway. This semester, as I've gotten out of my shell more and had more chances to socialize, I actually am meeting more men, who are seemingly available. Truth be told, dating still is not a priority, but the fact is that I do get lonely at times. I held on to Ted longer than I should have, simply because I didn't have the time to meet someone to replace him. Once things were officially over with him, I suppose I subconsciously started to check my surroundings. 

I started to spend time with a younger colleague (early 20's), and let's just say that there were some good OUTSTANDING times had.

But his age (or lack thereof) made him a bit flaky and I've got shit to do, so I don't have time for unstable people or situations. Oddly enough, after things with him ended, I started to really think that perhaps I should start dating younger men. I've always felt like I had more in common with older people, but as time goes on, I don't look, act or feel 35. My young boo thang told me he thought I was 26 when we met. Even in non-academic situations when I'm out, the men that approach me and the men that I'm attracted to tend to hover around 25 or so. Initially it weirded me out, but as time went on, I had to accept a new truth for myself- a younger man just may be the way for me to go. I'm finding that older educated men come with lots of hangups and bullshit expectations, while younger dudes are all about just being and having a good time. They don't get as hung up on past experiences and they aren't afraid to take a woman out. They're willing to leave the home and bedroom. Truth is, I'm in the early stages of dating a 28-year-old classmate and while I'm not out shopping for wedding dresses, its nice to be with a man who isn't bitterly divorced or a lifelong playa who has bullshit expectations of me.

I remember a while ago talking to a supervisor and telling him quite truthfully that I feel like a 35-year-old teenager. I don't look, act, or dress my age. Call it a gift or a curse. But during this season in my life, I'm encountering people younger than me who are inspiring me to be great and to relax. I'm reminded to not always take life so seriously, while my age and experience have me in a perfect place to take advantage of the multiple opportunities given to me. So I may be old and seasoned, or I may be young and flirty. But either way, I'm having the time of my life, and for that, I am grateful.

Meetings

Life is odd and beautiful. I knew I'd be embarking on a journey, but I had no clue it would lead me here. I've met so many people in the last few months, that I almost have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. So yeah, I'm still at Clark Atlanta University. I tried to transfer to Georgia State University and I was a tad butt hurt when they declined my application. By that point I'd already done 6 classes at CAU, so I knew there was no option but to stay the course.

So yeah, I'm still with Ted. If you want to say "with." I'll say we're still close and he's still my heart. But for some reason I prefer to keep my thoughts on our relationship as casual. I do love him. But since we both know there's no wedding bells any time soon, we're careful to not go have titles and all of that. I know who he is, he knows who I am. My close friends are aware of who he is. The only thing is that he works at a college near my college's campus and some of my classmates and colleagues know him, so I make it a point to not make our relationship known to them. Not that we have a "relationship" anyway.

Next, last summer, I FINALLY achieved my dream of meeting Tevin Campbell. It was absolutely unreal. He was humble, funny, charming, cute, all of that. Naturally I got a pic.

I spent the next week on cloud 9 after that happened. But shortly thereafter, I had to get my head back in the game. This was early August and school started school and I needed an intern site. The one I'd had previously been selected for told me that they couldn't take me after all. I went into action, looking through my school's catalog for one that would be close in proximity to my home or school. I called a few and sent out a few applications. Nothing. Eventually I found one that was near campus and headed by the family of a local Civil Rights Movement hero. I can't really say names just yet because there are unfortunately a few people that stay trying to throw salt into my success, but let's just say that this position was big. I went in for the interview and nailed it!

With this particular position, I work at one of Atlanta's worst alternative schools, along with meetings with some of Atlanta's biggest heavy hitters. I'm still floored at the opportunity this has afforded me. Such as this awkward pic of me at an incredible moment.

I was able to attend dinner with Ambassador Andrew Young, and even personally ask him about some of my career and educational options. Freaking priceless! Plus I'm scheduled to be part of a major political unveiling on Monday. I remember a few years back that I'd decided that I wanted and needed to be a tad more politically tuned in. I didn't know how it would happen. I thought I'd start attending city council meetings, but my schedule never allowed it. Yet slowly, I'm building a name and connections to major players. All by being patient and persistent. I'm letting go of people that don't mean any good for me. And by doing that I'm opening my door to the opportunities to get me where I'm trying to go!

Malika

Revisionist History

I had lunch with a friend earlier today. During our time together, he'd told me that he'd started writing about his life and out of respect, he allowed his mother to see what he'd written so far. He said how she was bothered by his story and felt that he didn't do enough to paint her in a positive light. Essentially, she wanted him to rewrite history, rather than to acknowledge her faults as a mother. My friend respects his mother, but at the same time, he had to remind her that she wasn't Claire Huxtable and he shouldn't be charged with making up stories to make her look or feel good. I told my friend that I completely understand and that was a large part of why I never attended my undergraduate graduation. Truthfully, I felt that neither of my parents did much to help me as a I struggled to get that degree and I refused to allow them a platform to puff out their chests and boasts about my accomplishment. So I stayed home and didn't mention the graduation to either of them until the ceremony had passed.

Later on, I went with my best friend Sky to the mall. As always, we made a lot of noise and I enjoyed embarrassing him. While there, he ran into a female I'll call Amber. Amber looked up at him and quickly hugged him. I recognized Amber and reached in to hug her, until she put up her arm and told me that she wasn't dealing with me after my birthday celebration. Er? I'll tell you a bit of how I came to know Amber.

About 10 years ago, I was in San Diego with my younger sibling, when she introduced me to Amber. Amber told me that she'd considered moving to Atlanta, and I told her that whenever she decided to move, she could come on out and crash with me. Fast forward about 3 months later, she calls me out of nowhere and says that she hopes to come to Atlanta within a couple of months. I told her that sounded swell. A few weeks after that phone call, she told me that she planned to move out in a few weeks. At that moment I was a tad hesitant. By that particular point, I'd just gotten rid of a sycophant who was sleeping on my couch and I was dealing with my breakup from David. I really just needed to be alone and deal with what I was going through. A few days later I got a call that she was 20 minutes outside of Atlanta and needed my address. HUH?! I couldn't. I sure as hell didn't want to. I needed to be alone. I was trying to balance work, school, and my emotions. Taking in a new individual at that point in time wasn't something I wanted or needed. But nevertheless, there she was with nothing but the clothes on her back. She had no job, no friends, no money and no family in the city. I was it. So despite it all, I let her stay.

Time went on and Amber and I became really close. She was around in part during my pregnancy and I introduced her to lots of people and helped her get to know the party scene. The roommate she moved in with later on was because I introduced them.

So here we are, in the middle of the mall, and she accused me of being fake the last time I'd seen her. Thinking back, when she came over for my birthday, she brought friends. They arrived, I offered them drinks and food, you know, normal host shit. Everyone in her party seemed to be enjoying themselves with their guests, so I left them alone the whole night, but after checking to make sure that all was well. So what the hell was old girl talking about?

I assured her that had no problems with her and assumed all was well. Sky assured her that if I'd had problems with her, he'd have known it before anyone else (true). I asked her why she didn't bring it to my attention then and she claimed that she didn't want to ruin my birthday. I asked why she didn't mention it later on, and she said that she didn't want to bother with it anymore. What the hell? I even apologized if she felt that my behavior was off (even though it wasn't) and promised her we were cool. Then the bitch threw in some shit about me not getting along with my sister and said that was obviously why. I'll say this- I happen to be dealing with tooth pain and lockjaw at the moment. And perhaps if I weren't focused on the fact that it now takes me an hour to eat a small salad, I may have been more willing to neck punch her for that comment.

I was livid. She walked away as if she checked me. That bitch had some damned nerve. She showed up at my front door, during a really hard time in my life, on a wing and a prayer, and I took her in, fed her, introduced her to people and essentially created a home for her as she went through her divorce and THIS was the attitude she threw. WHAT THE HELL?! I thought back to her admitting to me that she'd been diagnosed with anxiety a few months back and that she felt that my cousin didn't want her at his home last Christmas and I had to assure her that it was all in her head. So I tried to give her a pass based on the anxiety issue. But the level of disrespect that she just showed me for no reason at all was some next level bull.

For me to bend over backwards to look out for her and be accused of being "fake" and then not even allow me the chance to explain myself or apologize really rubbed me the wrong way. The same person who came at me sideways today is the same woman who would laugh with me about how crazy it was to land on my doorstep when and how she did. She'd always said how much she understands how much it took for me to let her in when she was a virtual stranger and felt that act was a testament to who and what I am as a person.

So what exactly was today? Was I seriously talked down to and accused of being fake for no real reason at all? So history means nothing. She somehow completely rewrote my display of who I am and how I am. I let her stay with me for months out of the blue, but when she's invited to my home to celebrate my birthday, I supposedly blow her off. Damn. Folks really do forget, don't they?

Desertion

I'm well known to be a lover. I love hard, I love fast, and I love long. I think that my ability and willingness to love as much as I do is a part of what makes me great. I've loved and known some incredible people in my day and I relish our bonds, as the many people I've come across hold special places in my heart. The loss of my cousin Tracey when I was 17 left the impression on me of how important it is to tell people that they're loved while they're here.

Even after a blowup, I'll admit to typically being willing to go above and beyond to keep things kosher. I don't like hostility or awkwardness from my squad. I'm a lover first and that's the position I'd prefer to play.

Fred, my flame, my friend, my lover, my companion. He up and disappeared on me several months ago. He visited in the winter, but then he just disappeared. Poof. Nothing. No phone call, no text message, no Facebook inbox, nothing, he just stopped coming around. At first I was worried. Was he in a hospital? Jail? Was he hurt, did he lose his phone? Where was he? I needed answers. It wasn't like him to just up and leave, especially after all we'd been through together. I reached out to a mutual friend, who it turned out had been in touch with Fred the whole time. Wow. Like that, huh?

Don't get me wrong, I understand that sometimes people need to cleanse and be alone. Sometimes you need reflection and to think out your worries. But I didn't deserve at the very least a heads up? I remember while with my ex, he and I discussed marriage. I'd shared with Fred my plans and Fred asked if he'd get an invite. I told him that based on our history, having him at the wedding wasn't a good idea. His response was "after everything we've been through?" That response was what rang out in my mind as he left. "After everything we've been through?"

Fred and I shared so many times together. I recall one particular night where we'd met up, while I still lived with my son's father. Despite living with my ex, Fred certainly possessed a piece of my soul. That particular night, we went to Fellini's Pizza on Ponce de Leon Avenue. And for some particular night, that night was more special than most. We sat there, staring into each other's eyes. He confessed some of his insecurities, which I'd never known he'd had. We stayed there for about 3 hours, talking. I remember how much I wanted to stay there in that moment forever with him, while a small part of me feared someone that knew my ex walking in and catching me, since the pizza spot was only a few miles from home. I came home at 4 a.m. and my ex asked where I was. I quickly lied that I'd had pizza with friends. When he pointed out that it was 2 hours after the pizza place closed, I told him that we sat afterward talking. Which was technically true...

After that, my last physical encounter with Fred was when we got a hotel room together. That night was magical. I actually still have the key card from the hotel still in my wallet, 4 years later.

Fred came to see me in February. When I took him back to the bus stop, I cried my eyes out. We'd spent the last 3 days together, but I was again letting go of one of the great loves of my life. The other being my ex, David. He thought I was being nuts (guilty) but he knew what he meant to me, because I'd always shown it. And two weeks after he went back to L.A., he disappeared.

It was a process to let him go. I cried. I questioned. I theorized. What went wrong? What did I do? How could I fix it if he didn't tell me what the problem was? My mind constantly wandered back to Fellini's. That night and how we stared in each other's eyes and talked about the future. *POOF* Gone.

Today, while sitting next to my best friend, I got a call from a strange number. I assumed it to be a bill collector or stupid telemarketer. I heard a voice "Malika?" "Yeah? Who is this?" "Its Fred." What? How? Huh? A flood of emotions ran through me. All I managed to say was "I didn't expect to hear from you." He said, "I know you didn't." "Where were you?" I wish I could have managed some kind of emotion, but truth be told, I was shocked. The mutual friend that Fred and I share tried to update me on his dealings recently and I told my friend point blank that I had to kill Fred off in my mind. Although I unfriended him on Facebook, I did still occasionally check his page. But still, I didn't want or need updates. I needed him to cease so I could feel better about moving on without him.

Coincidentally, I'd tried to call him a few times last week, but his phone was off. So I guess he'd been thinking of me as I'd been thinking of him. While he was here, he accidentally left a pair of socks behind. I meant to send them to him and he sent me his address to do so (before he ghosted me). I wanted badly to throw his socks away, but I couldn't. I guess although I'd killed him off in my head, a small part of me cared too much to throw them away. He told me that he'd never forgotten about me and that he prayed for me all through his absence. He said that he didn't intend for his absence to be so long and that truthfully there was some guilt for being gone for so long. We spoke and caught up for about 20 minutes. Throughout the whole conversation, I didn't have much emotion. I didn't know how to feel.

A few minutes after we'd gotten off the phone, I started to sort through my emotions. I realized that the reason I was so dry while on the phone with him was because I really did kill him off. All of the warm, fuzzy emotions I'd tied to our time together I'd had to work hard to erase. And I did. So when he appeared out of no where, the woman who loved him wasn't home.

Today, a particularly rainy day, I had to make a run to the store, and only in my car, as the rain pelted, did I allow myself to unleash the tears I'd been holding onto. I'm not sure what will happen. I'm not even sure if I'm glad he's back. Not that I want him gone again. Not that I want him to leave again either. So I'm torn. I guess as always, I'll let time sort this out.

Today

I try not to write things when I'm in a crappy mood, but my happiness bubble has burst, at least for now. A family member I used to be super tight with has inserted himself into a situation that he is ignorant on, then had the nerve to act as though my opinion of my experience is invalid. It hurt like hell and truth be told, I'm not sure if our relationship will ever be the same way again.

On top of that, I need to find a place to intern for my school and I mean like NOW. Plus I'm unemployed. More than anything I need a paid internship. Don't get me wrong, there are jobs in the pipeline, I just need them to happen soon, and they will. My best friend made a very good point when she said that I have a way of making miracles happen. She's right, cuz I swear, I'm not supposed to be standing, let alone smiling while I do it. But right now, I'm feeling pressured to make things happen. But on a good note, my son is healthy, my friends are all doing well, Ted is still a presence, and this flipping heat should be lifting soon. Two more years of graduate school.

So I just decided that today is going to be my last day feeling sorry for myself. This pity party mess ain't my bag. I'm a doer, not a whiner. On a good note, when I feel like crap, the people around me notice, and they check in on me. And that's a blessing in and of itself. So anyway, I'm off to find an internship site (that'll hopefully pay me) and/or a job.

Malika

On Enjoying Bachelorettehood

I've had a total of two conversations today about how I should change my life, settle down, I'll never find a good man as long as I continue to blah blah blah. The funny thing is that the only people that feel it necessary to wag their finger at me and my "whorish" lifestyle is men. Grown women get it and they either applaud or remain apathetic about my desire to be free. But men... men seem to have a hard time grasping an attractive woman who chooses to play the field rather than settle down.

Perhaps it is because I defy the stereotype of women that are considered sexually liberated. Those women are thought to be either ugly, stupid, incapable of a good conversation, bogged down with several children or emotionally or mentally inept. And not to toot my own horn, but I'm neither of those things. I'm funny and outgoing with a great personality, considered attractive (as observed by the fact I'm frequently hit on), I'm educated, and fairly independent overall. So the question remains, why would a woman who would make a great wife choose to be single when so many men want her? Wouldn't marriage be the ultimate prize?

For me, no it is not. I went from feeling that I absolutely never wanted to be married to instead feeling that I'll only get married if the situation is absolutely perfect for me. And nothing less. I really don't even want a serious relationship simply because serious relationships indicate that two people are together with the eventual intention of marriage- and marriage is not a goal of mine. So here I sit. I think I'm okay with the whole idea of being single in part because it is so easy for me to meet new men to chill with temporarily. To be quite honest, things are going well with Ted. He lives alone, he lives his life and I live mine. I think about him frequently and we text often. And I'm crazy about him. And as it stands, I have no desire to fall any deeper into a relationship with him. I could keep things going with him like this for years and if all goes well, I probably will.

It's so frustrating to me that men feel it necessary to tell me how one of them would improve my life somehow. Do they tell their guy friends how much they need a wife? I highly doubt it. So why am I supposedly suffering over here? What they don't understand is that the same benefits that men enjoy from being bachelors, I enjoy as well. If I find someone that I have amazing chemistry with, I can feel free to go home with that person and fuck their brains out. I don't have to worry about lying or cheating because no one claims me, nor I, them. I can do the things that I enjoy, such as bars and clubs, and again, I don't owe anyone an explanation. I can feel free to casually date or focus on any one person as much as I want. A romantic weekend can happen with any one or several men at any given moment. My bills are in my own name and I spend my money on what I want to spend it on.

To be fair, I let men know up front that I have no intention of getting with them seriously. Not that I automatically drop panty for every man I meet, but even in passing, I let it be known that I have no desire to get married, nor any for additional children. And like all things, nothing is certain (except for my lack of desire to procreate again). Some of them appreciate my honesty and tell me that they too don't want to date too heavily either, while others thank me for my time and leave because they clearly want a wife and/or a woman that is willing to have another child. I have no problem with the men that tell me that my lack of desire for commitment is a deterrent because I'd rather not spend time with a man who will question my whereabouts (none of your business) or eventually ask when I plan to settle down and have his baby (never). 

Perhaps its fear or even past "damage" as one male friend put it, but whatever it is, I love it. I'm in love with my life and myself in a way that I've never been before. There is no man weighing me down nor making me question myself and my abilities. I've wasted many years of my life with the wrong men and I've seen what holding on to the wrong man can get you. Not a goddamn thing. No growth. No happiness. No support. No goals. No smiles. Nothing. So here I sit. Alone, making myself happy in a way that no man ever has. Who knows, maybe I'll get married one day. But to be honest, only if I find a man that makes my life even more awesome than it already is. And I'll be honest here, my life is pretty kick ass as it is.

Malika

Pushing Forward

So I touched a bit last time around on a few updates in my life. Like always, summer is the time I plan for major adventures in my life. Since I've been blessed with less work on my plate, I'm able to take care of me in a way I haven't been able to in years. I'm looking forward to getting more work done, and getting to do what makes me happy again. I've got 4 projects to work on, including 2 articles, one about my good friend Hashim who was the victim of an attempted car jacking, and another about Frank Barham, a wonderful spirit who lost his life while trying to raise awareness and money for people with disabilities.

While I'm just as raunchy as it pertains to my sex life, I've decided it best to dial it back on some of the details of who and what I'm doing. I'm still casually dating Ted (5 months strong, which for me, means its going strong) but I continue to date other people as well. I'm glad that Ted and I have such an arrangement and I'm very close to him. But me being me, I still desire to spend time with other men. My latest is a well-known local musician. Because Atlanta is so freaking small, I can't say much, but he's definitely in my sights. A friend of mine commented that in terms of men I've certainly upgraded as the years went on and I certainly agree.

Crazy, as I was out walking the dog, I had a ton of things to blog about today. But suddenly my mind is blank. So yeah, shit rocks.

Malika

Life As I Know It

So yeah, its been a minute. I'm not even going to harp on the fact that its been nearly a year since I last wrote. Plenty of things looking up for me and it amazes me how I'm more at peace the more every day comes and goes. Still in grad school, but I decided to transfer to Georgia State from Clark Atlanta University. My 3 semester stint at an HBCU has been a trip and I've managed to leave with a 3.83 gpa, but still, time to move on.

Last year I helped a man that ran for Fulton County Commissioner as the Republican candidate (no judgement zone!), Earl Cooper. I learned a lot working with Earl and decided that as a career I'd like to work a lot more in lobbying and legislation. Part of that decision also came from my policy class at CAU. Taking the class and immediately after working on the campaign showed me so much about the political process. The fact that I was good friends with Earl's campaign manager, Ian, helped a lot also. It saddens me to know that Earl lost, but I learned so much from my time with him and made a few connections. I was even at the Governor's victory party. I'm pretty comfortable wherever I go, but being in a room full of conservative blue bloods is not for the weak at heart.

I was absolutely devastated after his loss, but in a way, it was a good thing to happen for me. It showed me how much hustle, support, media and money is really needed to run a grassroots campaign.

On a dating front, the man I currently fancy is an admin at one of the schools at the Atlanta University Center. I'm not going to say his name, but I'll call him Ted. One of the things I love about Ted is our desire not to get married. We simply chill and enjoy one another's company. Neither of us want children either. Truthfully, I'm dating around, but Ted and I have that agreement so it makes my life easy. He and I stated that we have no desire to "cheat" on one another or lie about whatever we do when the other isn't watching, so again, my life is easy on that end.

Some recent changes have made it a lot easier for me to get back into writing, which I sorely missed. I want to get back to being more of a creative force overall. Peace is EPIC and it is mine.

Ciao.