Joy

So I've gotten into the job now and man, is it a blessing. I've learned so much about myself from the children I meet with. They've become family to me, and their parents are almost friends now. It's actually my job to hang out with children and I'm paid very well for it. I really want to pinch myself.

There's actually a preteen girl that I've particularly taken to. I didn't really know what to expect from her and her family, but I see now that they're very loving and concerned for her well-being. For obvious professional reasons, I can't get into too much detail on her, but for this post, I'll simply call her Rose. Anyway, one day I decided to drive Rose around Atlanta to show her some of the nicer parts of the city, to encourage her to do better in school. She told me that she wants to be a lawyer. Come hell or high water, it's my goal to help her get on the right track to become not only a lawyer but a damned good lawyer.

On the way there, we got to talking about the benefits of home ownership, and Rose looked at me and said that she didn't want to buy a house. I tried in vain to explain to her that home ownership is a wonderful thing, versus renting and not getting a dime in equity in a house. She remained undeterred.

I took her to the Cascade area of Atlanta and showed her how wonderful the homes are there. I reminded her that those big beautiful homes with the manicured lawns and the expensive cars in front of them were owned by Blacks. And not only were they owned by Blacks, but those Blacks were doctors, lawyers, business owners, reporters, and all different professions. I felt it was important to let her know that to remind her that for young Blacks, there are more ways to make money than slinging dope, rapping, or playing basketball.

After our tour of homes, I took her to Starbucks, where we happened to run into Rico Brooks of Block Entertainment. I know Rico because he used to be the district manager of the music store I used to work at. Rico has worked closely with Yung Joc, Gorilla Zoe and a few other up and coming artists. I told Rose who he was and what his job was and who she worked with, and her mouth hung open. Rose and I discussed my time working at Pizza Hut and what it was like to have people judge you based on how much you make. I told her that, to let her know that with proper education, she won't be stuck working jobs like that. After a while, our time was up, and I began to drive Rose home.

On the way back to her home, Rose looked at me and said that she'd like to buy a house. I didn't bother to ask her where the change of heart came from. But internally, I melted. I love my job. And Rose.

Him

Dear World,

I have a secret. Well, I guess it's not a secret anymore, but I digress. You see, there's this guy. But he's so much more than just a guy. We met a while back and he totally makes my heart flutter. When we see one another we embrace and say our hellos. He asks about my family and I tell Him that the baby and his father are well. I ask about his acquaintances and he always says that they're doing well.

But underneath the formal public greeting, there's an unspoken vibe. The truth is that I'd like to ride Him like a mechanical bull. I want Him to twist me up like a pretzel. I want to cling to Him like a cheap suit. But I can't. Of course Pookie would claim to be okay with it, but he lies. Well, he lies about that at least.

I'm so absolutely in lust with Him. I'd love to say that I'm in love with Him, but it's not the case. He's still special just the same though. This guy speaks to my heart. Something about his voice makes my day better. His smile brightens the darkest room. Perhaps if the universe were different, he and I would have met at a different time and things could have been different. But they aren't.

Sometimes, I imagine that he and I would run across each other in a dark smokey room, dance the night away, and then find a hotel suite to continue "dancing" in. He could live, knowing about our secret rendezvous and I know that he wouldn't tell a soul. I, however, was born with an uncanny ability to tell the truth no matter how much it fucks my life up. I'd be so much happier if I could lie every blue moon to save my ass, but no, God blessed me in other ways. So anyway, even if he and I did eventually do the horizontal Tootsie Roll, I'd eventually feel guilty and tell Pookie, which would just eff us up, and believe me that's the last thing I want. Pookie and I have been doing quite well lately, and the last thing I need is to go mess things up by doing the nasty with Him. My son and his father mean the world to me, so I guess I'll just have to give up on the romantic fantasy of a tryst with Him to keep my family together. That's the kind a sacrifice a real woman would make.

It's just so hard. Today, my girlfriend and I ran into Him. She'd never met Him before, but she instantly noticed our connection. She noticed how my voice got higher and how my cheeks flushed. We hugged as always, but somehow I get the feeling that he doesn't always hug all of his female friends. I asked if she thought he was digging me too, and she said that he was definitely checking for Malika. *sigh*

I have to admit though, at least I know he's eyeballing me too. When you grow up as that ugly fat girl, you spend your whole life oogling men who wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire. Suddenly, you grow up to become that chick with the great personality and swag for days, and you actually get the attention of men like Him in return. What a difference a day makes. He wants me too. I know it. And I feel so dirty (in a good way :}) and it makes me want Him that much more.

Anyway, perhaps if Pookie and I get to a place where we're just friends and we've moved on with our lives, then I'll be able to pursue the handsome guy that makes my heart flutter. But in the meantime, I'll have to settle for the what ifs...

Work

A while ago I talked about wanting a pretty good government job that a friend had hooked me up with. Well one of my classy ass crackhead relatives made a phone call that kept me from getting that job. I was hurt. I was pissed. I really needed that job. I was angry. I was disappointed. I was confused. All I could think was how terrible it was that my own fucking sister could keep me from getting that job.

My dad had been talking about getting me on with a job where he counsels children. I knew that nothing was going to come of it, but I figured I'd go with anyway, since I had nothing to lose. The first day that I was supposed to go meet with the guy, he pushed it back. The second time, I was told not to even bother to come since I already had the job. I knew it was a bust. Back to the drawing board. Then I was told to come in for orientation. But then a week before orientation, I was told it was going to be pushed back a week. I knew where I was headed. I knew that I'd never hear from them again. But I went for orientation anyway.

There, I met with other applicants and we were told how we would be given assignments of different children. I'd call their parents, make appointments to meet with them and go to their homes or different locations and help them through problems. This job is the BEST thing to ever happen to me! I love it!

The crazy thing is that thinking back on it, the only thing I wanted from the other job was the stability. The schedule would have been crazy and I would have either had to wake up early in the morning to get to work by six or I'd have had to work third shift and be away from my son (two things I never wanted to begin with). Truth be told, the only thing I wanted from the job was the insurance and to work for the government. I never wanted that position. The only thing I wanted was the check.

I can't believe that I was so pissed to not have the other job. On this job, I can make my own hours and I make notes on my visits with the kids, normally late at night, since that's when I'm normally up anyway. And the best part of it is that I make DAMNED GOOD money. I'll actually make enough to buy a house. That's right, I get paid a phenomenal salary to work with children, something I'd wanted to do for a while now. And the cherry on the cake is that working this job is part of a government program where if I work here for two years, it'll pay off my student loans. How sweet is this?!

So now my haters can find some other mess to harp on. Folks thought that by trying to do me in, they'd mess me up, but they only opened the door for the best job I've ever had to happen. So all of those chickens that want to call me trife and unemployed, can kiss my ass even further. Because not only am I employed now, I'm blessed. And I'm STILL better than your wack asses.

The Snub

I wrote a while ago about a party that I'd went to of my friend's. My friend warned me in advance that a chick that I'm not too cool with would be there. I promised to be on my best behavior (those that know me well know that you do best to make me promise to behave around people I don't like, otherwise, Lord only knows what I'm likely to do or say).

The time came, and I saw her come in. She came over to our table and she shook hands with everyone. Then she turned to me in an attempt to shake my hand. With a curl of my lip, and attitude in my eyes, I looked at her and said "no" and did not extend my hand. "No?" she asked. "No," I replied. She moved on to continue shaking hands with other people at the table.

Once she was gone, a friend's boyfriend looked at me and joked "we're cool right?" I explained to him that she knows damned well what she did and she knows damned well that we're not cool. I let him know that I'm not the one for false pretenses. When I hate a bitch, she knows it. She's the first to know it. Call me crazy, but I don't see the purpose in pretending to be friends with someone. That's actually the same reason that I refuse to fool with my ex's baby mama. Sure she'll take to her blog (and mine) and call me all kinds of names and whatnot, but the fact of the matter is, she's always attempting to befriend me. She's sent me numerous text messages throughout the years (falsely) apologzing and (honestly) claiming to be jealous of me. I know not to be her friend, because she's a grimy cunt, and I wish she'd just move on with her life and accept that I see her for the crazy, desperate, ignorant, sad, pathetic, obese, waste of sperm that she truly is and we will NEVER be friends. Sorry skeezer (she still reads my blogs so I have to remind of her of how simple she is), but I don't roll with fake friends.

Back to that night, I told dude that I'm an extremely loyal friend (it's just the gemini in me, but I can be your best friend or your worst enemey and if someone chooses the latter, I'm cool with that) and I told him that I'm not going to put on a show to make her feel good about herself. He actually shook my hand and applauded me being real in the situation, and said that he too doesn't take to pretending to be nice with people he hates.

I guess I'll have to give a back story in what would cause me to not even be willing to shake someone's hand. Well, it started back in high school. We were ace boon coons. We were ride or die. We played soccer together. We cried to eachother about our effed up boyfriends. We went to clubs and concerts together. At one point, she was homeless and I snuck her into my home (moms hated her- now I know why) and I let her sleep in my bed, while I slept on the floor. During that same period, I woke up at 4 a.m. to drive her to her job at Starbucks on the other side of town. And I did it because we were homies. And then I managed to get her to rent a room in the house that my father owned. Later when she came down with pneumonia and was hospitalized, I was the only person that came to visit her. Her own mother and brother didn't even bother. I woke up early, went to visit her, and then went to work 14 hours straight at my two jobs. When she had to work on her birthday, I was the person that brought her cake. She was so happy as the whole store sang happy birthday, she cried and said that even her own family had never done anything that sweet for her. She called me her best friend.

So imagine my surprise, when later on, she totally played me to the left for some guy that she'd known for two days. Yep, 10 years of me holding her ass down, and I get played to the left for a stranger.

It didn't take long for mutal friends to start telling me that she'd been asking about me. I'd actually seen her in public a few times and I walked right by her like she didn't exist. One day, on a whim, after a few years of not talking to her, I called her. And it was just like old times. I told her how dirty it was to play me for new dick, and she agreed. They actually quit kicking it shortly after she let me know that her loyalty to his ass was her priority. Personally, if I was with a new guy and he was willing to dump his best friend since high school over me, I'd have to look at him sideways. That's a huge sign that someone has no loyalty, but I digress. I had just had my son and needless to say, times were tough. One day, Pumpkin was especially fussy and I needed to find some paper work. My nerves were absolutely shot. He wouldn't stop crying, but the paper work was important because I was broke, and finding it would possibly lead to me getting a few dollars. I called her crying. I begged for her to come sit with him. I just needed a moment to find the paperwork and calm my nerves. That was all I wanted and needed. She told me that she couldn't come. I begged more. She said no. I understood that she must have had something else going on, so I accepted it and we hung up. That was the last time I talked to her until "the snub."

No, we didn't talk, but it wasn't on me. I called her a few hours later when the baby and I were calm. She didn't respond. A few hours later, I saw something silly on tv and I texted her to joke about it. She didn't respond. I called her once the next day. She didn't respond. The day after, again, I called her once. Anyone that knows her knows that she's glued to her phone, so I knew what she was saying by not saying anything. I sent her another text saying something along the lines of "so you came back into my life just to pull this shit huh? do me a favor, and this time, don't bother to ask anyone how I'm doing."

I can't really say that I missed her. How can I miss a false friendship? How stupid would I be to miss someone that I drove to the edge of the earth for, when she wasn't even a good enough friend to inquire later on if the baby and I were okay? That was what really bugged me. How is it that she can hear me on the phone, crying and on my last leg, and not even think to call a few hours later to see if we were doing better? I didn't miss her ass at all. And I still don't.

So yeah, I'd say that was a damned good reason to snub her ass. She'll never have another friend that's as ride or die as me. And frankly, she doesn't deserve it.