DON'T TELL ME HOW I FEEL DAMMIT!!

the other night i decided to stop in and visit an old friend that i'd lost contact with. he worked at pleaser's strip club as a bouncer. things were well and good as we laughed about old times and caught up with one another. we talked about how i, of all people, became a mother and our wild times hanging out all night. he even laughed at me for saying that i was sleepy when it hit 3 a.m., comparing it to how i once drove him to tennesee on a wim and we didn't make it back until 6 a.m. well anyway, we decided to go to waffle house after he got off to discuss our lives even further. and then it started.
we discussed my time with david. i told him that i enjoy pissing off david's baby mama, because she no longer has the power to affect me, but i have so much power to piss her off. after all of the shit she did to me when i tried to be cool with her back in the day, i see no problem with me screwing with her head. my friend goes into this long tirade of how i'm not happy and she controls me, etc. my friend said that i've no longer got the same smile i used to. he claimed that i'm not loving. he said that the smile that was permanently spread across my face a few years ago is gone. i told him that now people have to work for my smile.
i tried to explain to him that no, i'm not the same weak, silly malika that was easily manipulated. before i had my son i gave so much of myself to so many people. i've let people crash on my couch, i've fed people, i've given people money. and in return when i was pregnant, broke and desperate, those same people gave their asses to kiss. so i built a wall. those of yall within my wall get to experience the silly and loving me that has always been there. everyone else can burn in hell. and i'm HAPPY with this progress. for the first time in my life i feel like i'm in control of my surroundings. for the first time in my life i've developed standards. i expect the people around me to be as loyal to me as i am to them. and i don't see a damned thing wrong with that.
so imagine how pissed i was when i explained myself and my "friend" kept twisting my words. i said to him that i'm happy, and he said to me, no you're not. and then i said "why can't you just be happy for me because i'm happy?" he replied with "i believe that you believe you're happy" which was another fucking slap in the face. he even went so far as to say that i'm not loving anymore, to which i took even more offense. i responded that i'm EXTREMELY loving that for the people i love, i'll take a bullet. he told me to make a loving statement. i said "deen is the best thing to ever happen to me" and he responded that wasn't a loving statement and that i should have said that my son is the best thing to ever happen to me. i responded that i tell my son all of the time that he's the most important thing in my world. under pressure i'd said deen since we had been talkin to him all night. the truth of the matter is that deen AND caleb are the center of my universe. my family is my reason for living. not loving, my ass.
i'm 29 years old, for the love of god. no body knows me better than me. there are plenty of people that don't know who and what they want and who and what they are. i'm not one of them. i was so emotionally drained when i left him last night. i was fuming the whole way home. i can't believe that i felt it necessary to defend my feelings. i got my friend's new number but i'm so pissed off after last night, i really don't know if i'm going to call him again. just because i'm not the same happy-go-lucky chick that he met some years ago, doesn't make me a robot. i've evolved. i got my ass kicked my life and i learned how to fight back. i'm happy being me. and anybody that doesn't like or believe my happiness can KICK ROCKS.

What Michael Jackson's Death Meant to the Black Community

June 25th is a day that will live in infamy for many of us. I was watching television when someone came on and said that Michael Jackson had been rushed to the hospital. I rolled my eyes and told myself that this was one of his stunts and then I got on the internet to look it up. We all know that MJ was a bit of a drama king, so most people were in watch & see mode. I kept switching back and forth to Twitter, Facebook, & TMZ. I knew it was bad when CNN was outside of the hospital to. And then I saw it on TMZ-

R.I.P. MICHAEL JACKSON.

My head hurt. My body ached. I cried hard. I sobbed like I'd gotten the call that one of my best friends had died. I wanted to throw up. My family actually called to offer me condolences. It was surreal. Someone that was a part of my life since I can remember was gone. No more. My stomach hurts just writing this.

Since the death of Michael Jackson, needless to say, there's been constant media attention. But beneath the media attention people are still hurting and crying. Many of us still have a hard time making it through a full Michael Jackson song without breaking down. What's pissing me off the most is how so many Whites are saying that MJ was just a man and that he's dead so move on already. I'm not saying that Michael didn't deeply impact so many people of so many different races. We've all seen the concert footage of people of all races passing out on top of one another. What I'm saying is that the people that were obviously not MJ fans, are ready to crap on this man's legacy and they feel that he's not worth the accolades and praise that we're giving him. If I hear or see one more person write "You're not related to him" I'm going to punch someone. The fact of the matter is that MJ has been in many of our hearts for decades. He was around at every barbeque and family reunion and countless parties and night clubs. He many not have been there physically, but his spirit lifted us up in our darkest hours. I don't know anyone that can listen to "Wanna Be Startin' Something" without shouting and clapping "Mama-Say-Mama-Sa-Mama-Cu-Sa!!!" by the end of the song. No matter who you are and what you're doing, by the end of that song you're dancing, singing, and shouting like you're at the deepest backwoods Southern church. And admit it, you LOVE it.

I understand that some people may not have embraced MJ the way that Black America did. We not only embraced him, we loved him. He was in the hearts and minds of many Black Americans. For a long time men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him. We knew that he had faults, because no one is perfect. He was quirky and sometimes downright weird. But he was our brother and we will always honor and respect him.

So I say to White America, there will be plenty of time for the news to focus on Iraq and cheating governors that leave the country to screw around. BFD if we want to take a few days or even weeks to grieve the loss of the greatest entertainer to ever live (take that Elvis!). If the world can stop spinning when Kurt Cobain dies, other folks need to leave us to grieve as a community. Michael Joseph Jackson inspired us to Heal the World. He was front and center for to remind us that We Are the World. He brought together many weddings and bar mitzphas with renditions of the Thriller dance. The man was Bad. You don't have to love or even like Michael Jackson, but for those of us that were impacted by his music and will continue to love and miss him, give us the respect of letting us grieve. Cuz God only knows how many of y'all are gonna cut the fool when Madonna drops dead.