The Insanity of Choosing Myself

I will never not stan for my dear Dr. Y. She's helped me more than anyone will ever know. She's like a living diary/mirror. She holds me accountable and she asks questions that really make me assess if my actions are moving me towards my goals. She held me together while house shopping and watched me break down over my love life repeatedly. I will never deny that she changed my life for the better.

But like all humans, she and I differ in some fundamental ways. She's an older married Christian woman and here's me, a single Buddhist woman who is younger and currently making up for lost time in my social life.

In our most recent session, I'd talked to her about how things torpedoed with Charles and how I have every intention of going back into my celibacy bubble. I'd admitted to her that I love sex and intimacy (don't most of us?), but I've lived enough to realize that blindly chasing love and intimacy has led to some catastrophic moments for me. I'd rather live without sex than continuing to put myself out there. My dear doc pushed back and said to me "I feel like you're punishing yourself by choosing not to have sex." I replied by comparing it to being diabetic. Like I love chocolate. I mean I love chocolate. But at some point, I gotta put on my big girl panties and acknowledge that too much chocolate isn't good for me. I can't eat it daily without the risk of some serious health complications. 

I mean, sex is amazing. It's fun, I get a genuine dopamine rush from it. Honestly, there have been a few men sniffing around who have no idea how much I'd love nothing more than having them over for a good bedtime wrestle. I don't masturbate, but lord knows, I've certainly laid down in my bed and imagined a handsome face joining me at night. And while I flirt with those men, I keep a safe distance because I don't want to open up the possibility of anything happening in a way that I'm not ready for.

I'd confessed to a girlfriend that I was agitated by Dr. Y suggesting that I was choosing to punish myself. My friend, who is going through a divorce after a couple of decades with her ex, agreed with my doctor. She too felt that I was leaning in the most difficult route, but choosing to abstain from sex. That made me even more annoyed. After all the progress I've made to decenter men and sex, here I was being told that by making the mature decision to abstain, I'm punishing myself. WTF?!

I then took to asking a group of women, explaining how annoyed I was that I was being accused of punishing myself by choosing to stand down on dating. One woman made a very good point that for people who have been married for a long time, they have no idea what it's like to actually have to choose you. I sat with that. It makes sense that for a person who's whole life has been prioritizing partnership and the good of the family as a unit, it would be hard to wrap your mind around only focusing on your own wants and needs. Where as, I've been alone for so long, I had to finally learn that it's okay to center on myself and my own needs, than the needs of a possible partner (who doesn't even exist in my world right now). Other single women seem to understand, as evidenced by how many of them around me who are also opting for celibacy lately.

In spite of what some may think, that I'm open to a healthy dating scenario, but I no longer want to be a woman who is out here chasing the unknown. I've seen how much a lot of men will look you in your face and use you for your body, just so they can enjoy a quick ego boost and throw you to the wind. I also don't view abstaining as some sort of punishment. I've been sexually active for nearly 30 years of my life. In that time, I've dated models and not so beautiful men. I've dated financially secure men and brokies. I've been with tall guys and short guys. I've dated fit guys and big guys. I've had little dix and men who could possible put you in the hospital if you didn't shut it down early enough. I've had tame sex, I've had some pretty wild encounters too. In so many words, I've had enough sex. More than enough. I'm not curious. I don't feel like I'm missing out. I don't feel like I'm making up for anything. Dare I say, I've had more sex and more fun sex than many women my age, and I'm completely cool tapping out for a whle.

I guess I'll have to just be okay in my own bubble, making my own decisions, protecting my own peace, and guiding my own heart. It's been working so far, right?