The Problem with Proximity

Sooo... I kinda have a crush. I can't speak much more on it than that. I think he kinda digs me too, but he's got a lot of stuff going on in his world and Malika 2.0 ain't chasing down men who aren't readily available. God knows, I've made that mistake in the past and I don't have the capacity to have a man who doesn't have the time or physical capability to build with me and spend quality time with me. But I still enjoy his friendship whenever he can squeeze away from the world to see me.

As I emerge from my celibacy cocoon, I'm slowly opening myself up to seeing who and what's out there. I've gotten pretty good at reading energies and since the desperation and sexual desire no longer seep from my pores, it seems like men are showing interest in ways they didn't in the past. Can't front, I'm enjoying the attention. I sail through rooms and notice the glances of men, but I smile brightly, sometimes I even wink, and I keep it rocking. I no longer feel the need to entertain every male that looks my way.

Truthfully, I'm open to talking to one or two of these men. I'd love to open things up and see how we'd do. There's only one problem- Atlanta. Ya see, Atlanta is small. Like super tiny. And yes, in proximity, it is huge. But among certain circles, this place is petite. A lot of us have gone to school together, worked together, hustled together, broke bread with one another, have given one another our last $20 and slept on one another's couches. Those are some major bonds and it ain't easily broken. 

But it doesn't take long to destroy a reputation. I literally know a guy who burned so many bridges 25 years ago that to this day, his name is still mud in the streets. A few years ago, that same guy tried to get with me, and my strong theory is that he needed a girlfriend with a clean rep to vouch for him, so he'd be welcome in certain circles again. Wild thing is that he'd shown his ass in the past to me too, so I nicely swerved him when he started sniffing around me later. I value my reputation and I wasn't about be used to cleanse his name, all so he could continue fucking people over.

Anyway, it feels good that I can walk into rooms and know that things can't or won't get awkward over some old sexual encounters. No weird beef about who said what to who. That's the good thing about taking a step away from dating and all the stuff. I can re-emerge cleaner than the waters of Lake Minnetonka. In many ways, the dating pool is now clear for me, and I appreciate that.

As patriarchal as it sounds (gag me), men get weird when they know a woman has smashed the homies. Don't get me wrong, I'm not out here giving a fuck what men think, but I know how they are. Most would never take a woman seriously if they knew that at any point in the past, she opened her legs to someone they knew. Doesn't matter if it was a mutually satisfying, consensual act. Also doesn't matter if he really likes the woman and would totally date her in any other circumstance. It's all about diminishing a woman down to her sexual organs and her value being placed on who she's slept with in the past. Disgusting. In a man's mind, she's been tainted and can't be taken seriously if she's had a casual moment with someone he knows. To him, it makes him a cuckold, and God only knows, we can't have made up imaginary rules from society dictate who he has a serious interest in. 

Funny enough, stuff like that has never bothered me. Perhaps it was the influence of early television where the same women and men often passed themselves around freely season after season, to one another that gave me the impression that it was okay, but it never bothered me. Truth is, I've had girlfriends tell me that they got with my exes and I never flinched. I think the worst is when a girlfriend told me that she'd slept with Fred back in the day. Yeah, I paused. I stopped- took about 20 seconds, exhaled, and moved on. Never hated her, never changed up our dynamic. Not like I was with him at the time.

So yeah, I don't subscribe to this "once I slept with him, he's off-limits for the rest of my life!" bullshit. I've got other friends it's happened with also (not with Fred) and it's never bothered me, especially if I wasn't sleeping with the guy at the time. My only thing is that before I'd approach a guy I knew my homegirl dated, I'd call her first, to make sure she's cool. And if she is, it's game on. The way I see it, if a bunch of people are similar ages and hang in similar circles, they likely have a lot in common, so it only makes sense that a person who could be into me could also be into a mutual friend, or vice versa. So just because a guy ain't quite what I'm looking for, he might be perfect for a girlfriend of mine, so who am I to block that? But clearly, not everyone feels that way.

While I've always been pretty visible in these streets and in spite of what many people tried to claim about me at some point, I never slept around in my social circles. Sure, I'd talked to a guy or two, but for actual sex, I just tended to get with guys outside of where I hung out. Meaning that no matter what folks claimed about me (and yes, there were tons of whispers), I wasn't getting down like that.

That being said, I feel okay holding my head high, flirting and laughing knowing that the men I'm around ain't getting it, even if I know they want it- which brings me back to my crush. He and I run in similar circles. I've accepted that he and I won't go there, which sucks in many ways. But I also love that it means that our friendship won't get ruined. God knows I've had enough of that. 

However, the one or two men who I am open to getting with all seem to have some kind of connection to my crush. Don't get me wrong, if the right guy steps to me in the right way, I'm not going to stop my own blessings. The crush is taking care of his business and building things. I respect it and I care about him, so I'd never block his work. But there is no doubt in my mind that if I was to pursue things with men that have a connection to him, whether they flourished or crashed and burned immediately, things would never be the same with my crush and I.

I love my crush, in a genuine way, and I'd never want to tarnish our friendship. So while I occasionally smile and wink at fellows when I'm out, I'm always careful to not open myself up to being viewed as a pass around. I only lean into men who show men genuine interest, not passing whimsy, and that's kept me from becoming a woman who everyone has shared.

I'm not sure if my crush and I will have a genuine shot at things in the future. And if things level out and we're both in a good space to explore where we might go, I don't want the stench of a man he's known for years to be what keeps things from opening up.

Fucking male ego.