Joy

So I've gotten into the job now and man, is it a blessing. I've learned so much about myself from the children I meet with. They've become family to me, and their parents are almost friends now. It's actually my job to hang out with children and I'm paid very well for it. I really want to pinch myself.

There's actually a preteen girl that I've particularly taken to. I didn't really know what to expect from her and her family, but I see now that they're very loving and concerned for her well-being. For obvious professional reasons, I can't get into too much detail on her, but for this post, I'll simply call her Rose. Anyway, one day I decided to drive Rose around Atlanta to show her some of the nicer parts of the city, to encourage her to do better in school. She told me that she wants to be a lawyer. Come hell or high water, it's my goal to help her get on the right track to become not only a lawyer but a damned good lawyer.

On the way there, we got to talking about the benefits of home ownership, and Rose looked at me and said that she didn't want to buy a house. I tried in vain to explain to her that home ownership is a wonderful thing, versus renting and not getting a dime in equity in a house. She remained undeterred.

I took her to the Cascade area of Atlanta and showed her how wonderful the homes are there. I reminded her that those big beautiful homes with the manicured lawns and the expensive cars in front of them were owned by Blacks. And not only were they owned by Blacks, but those Blacks were doctors, lawyers, business owners, reporters, and all different professions. I felt it was important to let her know that to remind her that for young Blacks, there are more ways to make money than slinging dope, rapping, or playing basketball.

After our tour of homes, I took her to Starbucks, where we happened to run into Rico Brooks of Block Entertainment. I know Rico because he used to be the district manager of the music store I used to work at. Rico has worked closely with Yung Joc, Gorilla Zoe and a few other up and coming artists. I told Rose who he was and what his job was and who she worked with, and her mouth hung open. Rose and I discussed my time working at Pizza Hut and what it was like to have people judge you based on how much you make. I told her that, to let her know that with proper education, she won't be stuck working jobs like that. After a while, our time was up, and I began to drive Rose home.

On the way back to her home, Rose looked at me and said that she'd like to buy a house. I didn't bother to ask her where the change of heart came from. But internally, I melted. I love my job. And Rose.

Him

Dear World,

I have a secret. Well, I guess it's not a secret anymore, but I digress. You see, there's this guy. But he's so much more than just a guy. We met a while back and he totally makes my heart flutter. When we see one another we embrace and say our hellos. He asks about my family and I tell Him that the baby and his father are well. I ask about his acquaintances and he always says that they're doing well.

But underneath the formal public greeting, there's an unspoken vibe. The truth is that I'd like to ride Him like a mechanical bull. I want Him to twist me up like a pretzel. I want to cling to Him like a cheap suit. But I can't. Of course Pookie would claim to be okay with it, but he lies. Well, he lies about that at least.

I'm so absolutely in lust with Him. I'd love to say that I'm in love with Him, but it's not the case. He's still special just the same though. This guy speaks to my heart. Something about his voice makes my day better. His smile brightens the darkest room. Perhaps if the universe were different, he and I would have met at a different time and things could have been different. But they aren't.

Sometimes, I imagine that he and I would run across each other in a dark smokey room, dance the night away, and then find a hotel suite to continue "dancing" in. He could live, knowing about our secret rendezvous and I know that he wouldn't tell a soul. I, however, was born with an uncanny ability to tell the truth no matter how much it fucks my life up. I'd be so much happier if I could lie every blue moon to save my ass, but no, God blessed me in other ways. So anyway, even if he and I did eventually do the horizontal Tootsie Roll, I'd eventually feel guilty and tell Pookie, which would just eff us up, and believe me that's the last thing I want. Pookie and I have been doing quite well lately, and the last thing I need is to go mess things up by doing the nasty with Him. My son and his father mean the world to me, so I guess I'll just have to give up on the romantic fantasy of a tryst with Him to keep my family together. That's the kind a sacrifice a real woman would make.

It's just so hard. Today, my girlfriend and I ran into Him. She'd never met Him before, but she instantly noticed our connection. She noticed how my voice got higher and how my cheeks flushed. We hugged as always, but somehow I get the feeling that he doesn't always hug all of his female friends. I asked if she thought he was digging me too, and she said that he was definitely checking for Malika. *sigh*

I have to admit though, at least I know he's eyeballing me too. When you grow up as that ugly fat girl, you spend your whole life oogling men who wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire. Suddenly, you grow up to become that chick with the great personality and swag for days, and you actually get the attention of men like Him in return. What a difference a day makes. He wants me too. I know it. And I feel so dirty (in a good way :}) and it makes me want Him that much more.

Anyway, perhaps if Pookie and I get to a place where we're just friends and we've moved on with our lives, then I'll be able to pursue the handsome guy that makes my heart flutter. But in the meantime, I'll have to settle for the what ifs...

Work

A while ago I talked about wanting a pretty good government job that a friend had hooked me up with. Well one of my classy ass crackhead relatives made a phone call that kept me from getting that job. I was hurt. I was pissed. I really needed that job. I was angry. I was disappointed. I was confused. All I could think was how terrible it was that my own fucking sister could keep me from getting that job.

My dad had been talking about getting me on with a job where he counsels children. I knew that nothing was going to come of it, but I figured I'd go with anyway, since I had nothing to lose. The first day that I was supposed to go meet with the guy, he pushed it back. The second time, I was told not to even bother to come since I already had the job. I knew it was a bust. Back to the drawing board. Then I was told to come in for orientation. But then a week before orientation, I was told it was going to be pushed back a week. I knew where I was headed. I knew that I'd never hear from them again. But I went for orientation anyway.

There, I met with other applicants and we were told how we would be given assignments of different children. I'd call their parents, make appointments to meet with them and go to their homes or different locations and help them through problems. This job is the BEST thing to ever happen to me! I love it!

The crazy thing is that thinking back on it, the only thing I wanted from the other job was the stability. The schedule would have been crazy and I would have either had to wake up early in the morning to get to work by six or I'd have had to work third shift and be away from my son (two things I never wanted to begin with). Truth be told, the only thing I wanted from the job was the insurance and to work for the government. I never wanted that position. The only thing I wanted was the check.

I can't believe that I was so pissed to not have the other job. On this job, I can make my own hours and I make notes on my visits with the kids, normally late at night, since that's when I'm normally up anyway. And the best part of it is that I make DAMNED GOOD money. I'll actually make enough to buy a house. That's right, I get paid a phenomenal salary to work with children, something I'd wanted to do for a while now. And the cherry on the cake is that working this job is part of a government program where if I work here for two years, it'll pay off my student loans. How sweet is this?!

So now my haters can find some other mess to harp on. Folks thought that by trying to do me in, they'd mess me up, but they only opened the door for the best job I've ever had to happen. So all of those chickens that want to call me trife and unemployed, can kiss my ass even further. Because not only am I employed now, I'm blessed. And I'm STILL better than your wack asses.

The Snub

I wrote a while ago about a party that I'd went to of my friend's. My friend warned me in advance that a chick that I'm not too cool with would be there. I promised to be on my best behavior (those that know me well know that you do best to make me promise to behave around people I don't like, otherwise, Lord only knows what I'm likely to do or say).

The time came, and I saw her come in. She came over to our table and she shook hands with everyone. Then she turned to me in an attempt to shake my hand. With a curl of my lip, and attitude in my eyes, I looked at her and said "no" and did not extend my hand. "No?" she asked. "No," I replied. She moved on to continue shaking hands with other people at the table.

Once she was gone, a friend's boyfriend looked at me and joked "we're cool right?" I explained to him that she knows damned well what she did and she knows damned well that we're not cool. I let him know that I'm not the one for false pretenses. When I hate a bitch, she knows it. She's the first to know it. Call me crazy, but I don't see the purpose in pretending to be friends with someone. That's actually the same reason that I refuse to fool with my ex's baby mama. Sure she'll take to her blog (and mine) and call me all kinds of names and whatnot, but the fact of the matter is, she's always attempting to befriend me. She's sent me numerous text messages throughout the years (falsely) apologzing and (honestly) claiming to be jealous of me. I know not to be her friend, because she's a grimy cunt, and I wish she'd just move on with her life and accept that I see her for the crazy, desperate, ignorant, sad, pathetic, obese, waste of sperm that she truly is and we will NEVER be friends. Sorry skeezer (she still reads my blogs so I have to remind of her of how simple she is), but I don't roll with fake friends.

Back to that night, I told dude that I'm an extremely loyal friend (it's just the gemini in me, but I can be your best friend or your worst enemey and if someone chooses the latter, I'm cool with that) and I told him that I'm not going to put on a show to make her feel good about herself. He actually shook my hand and applauded me being real in the situation, and said that he too doesn't take to pretending to be nice with people he hates.

I guess I'll have to give a back story in what would cause me to not even be willing to shake someone's hand. Well, it started back in high school. We were ace boon coons. We were ride or die. We played soccer together. We cried to eachother about our effed up boyfriends. We went to clubs and concerts together. At one point, she was homeless and I snuck her into my home (moms hated her- now I know why) and I let her sleep in my bed, while I slept on the floor. During that same period, I woke up at 4 a.m. to drive her to her job at Starbucks on the other side of town. And I did it because we were homies. And then I managed to get her to rent a room in the house that my father owned. Later when she came down with pneumonia and was hospitalized, I was the only person that came to visit her. Her own mother and brother didn't even bother. I woke up early, went to visit her, and then went to work 14 hours straight at my two jobs. When she had to work on her birthday, I was the person that brought her cake. She was so happy as the whole store sang happy birthday, she cried and said that even her own family had never done anything that sweet for her. She called me her best friend.

So imagine my surprise, when later on, she totally played me to the left for some guy that she'd known for two days. Yep, 10 years of me holding her ass down, and I get played to the left for a stranger.

It didn't take long for mutal friends to start telling me that she'd been asking about me. I'd actually seen her in public a few times and I walked right by her like she didn't exist. One day, on a whim, after a few years of not talking to her, I called her. And it was just like old times. I told her how dirty it was to play me for new dick, and she agreed. They actually quit kicking it shortly after she let me know that her loyalty to his ass was her priority. Personally, if I was with a new guy and he was willing to dump his best friend since high school over me, I'd have to look at him sideways. That's a huge sign that someone has no loyalty, but I digress. I had just had my son and needless to say, times were tough. One day, Pumpkin was especially fussy and I needed to find some paper work. My nerves were absolutely shot. He wouldn't stop crying, but the paper work was important because I was broke, and finding it would possibly lead to me getting a few dollars. I called her crying. I begged for her to come sit with him. I just needed a moment to find the paperwork and calm my nerves. That was all I wanted and needed. She told me that she couldn't come. I begged more. She said no. I understood that she must have had something else going on, so I accepted it and we hung up. That was the last time I talked to her until "the snub."

No, we didn't talk, but it wasn't on me. I called her a few hours later when the baby and I were calm. She didn't respond. A few hours later, I saw something silly on tv and I texted her to joke about it. She didn't respond. I called her once the next day. She didn't respond. The day after, again, I called her once. Anyone that knows her knows that she's glued to her phone, so I knew what she was saying by not saying anything. I sent her another text saying something along the lines of "so you came back into my life just to pull this shit huh? do me a favor, and this time, don't bother to ask anyone how I'm doing."

I can't really say that I missed her. How can I miss a false friendship? How stupid would I be to miss someone that I drove to the edge of the earth for, when she wasn't even a good enough friend to inquire later on if the baby and I were okay? That was what really bugged me. How is it that she can hear me on the phone, crying and on my last leg, and not even think to call a few hours later to see if we were doing better? I didn't miss her ass at all. And I still don't.

So yeah, I'd say that was a damned good reason to snub her ass. She'll never have another friend that's as ride or die as me. And frankly, she doesn't deserve it.

Moving On, the Safe Way

I just read a blog where someone asked about when is the best time to introduce a new boyfriend or girlfriend to the situation when you've got children at home. I've thought long and hard about this situation, myself. Pookie and I still live together, but I'm always weighing my options on moving on.

I've told myself that I don't really see myself getting married until after Pumpkin has graduated high school. I absolutely hate the idea of another man entering the picture and playing my son's father. Pookie and I may have our share of problems, but his father is fantastic and I get weirded out at the thought of another man filling (or trying to fill) that role. Don't get me wrong, I can see myself dating again, but as far as moving another man in, I just don't see it happening.

I can't help but to look at the model my mother left for dating while having children, and it certainly left a lot to be desired. I'd always sworn to myself that when I had kids, I'd be nothing like her, and thankfully I've stuck to that. The funny thing is that it wasn't until I was a mother that I really realized how much she screwed things up. I guess that sounds pretty harsh, but I'm not that known for holding my tongue.

Anyway, in terms of dating, I'll never forget the first man she brought home. It was a hot day at the beginning of summer and a guy showed up. And he never left. Literally, he just showed up. No talk, no discussion, not even mentioning him ahead of time. He just showed up and stayed. I guess she got tired of the broke bastard because a few months later, he disappeared just as quickly as he came. Mom had 4 boyfriends (three of which I met) and one she married. Two years later, the marriage was over although they had dated for well over a decade.

Like I said, I saw how she did things and I remember how I felt, and being that I vowed to be a better parent than her, I know I'll have to do things better or at least differently. When dealing with her boyfriends, I'd always felt like a forced third wheel. I love my son so much that I can't imagine forcing him to be in close parameters for a long time with someone that doesn't respect him or even someone he hates. To this day, he may only be two, but I refuse to let him interact with people I don't feel worthy of him. I've literally scooped my son up when I saw that some effed up people were trying to talk to him. Gosh, I didn't intend for this blog to be about my own faltered childhood, but damned if it isn't a vent.

Anyway, enough of my shattered dreams. I am deathly afraid to put my son in a situation like those that I encountered. One of my greatest traits is my ability to feel empathy. When dealing with other people I will either recall how I've felt in their position, or I'll imagine how I'd react if I were in their position. My empathy makes me a pretty compassionate person. I don't know how I could possibly date if my son absolutely hated someone. Now I am of course speaking as if my son was a logical person. If he hated every dude I dated, I'd have to deal with that and work with him to remind him that I loved him and that he'd always be my son. That's another thing I wish I'd gotten-reassurance that I was loved no matter who mommy was banging.

Oh well, me having a fucked up childhood helped to assure that my son will always have better than I did. I love my Pumpkin so much that I'd move the moon and stars to keep him safe and happy. I think I'm already doing better than where I came from.

Malika and Her Boobs Vol. 2

I blogged a while ago about my issue involving my boobs and not wanting them to hang to my kneecaps in a classy strappy dress that I was planning to wear to my classmate's upcoming birthday party (it's on my other blog here). I really wanted to look good in front of my classmates to the point where they made lewd comments about me and my huge perky knockers. Well, I at least wanted the guys to make nasty comments, I would have settled for the women looking at me enviously and wanting me dead because my bosom was so upright and ample. My homie Shaunnika suggested that duct tape my boobs up, which brought me to last night.

I started getting ready a few hours early. I shaved my pits, my legs, my vajayjay, and my toes, all in an effort to look my best. I even threw my girdle on and my pretty panties. It's not like I was expecting to get action or anything, I just wanted my underclothes to look as pretty as my outer clothes. And then it was time.

I pulled out the duct tape and started on the right one. And then I tried the left one. But unlike the first time where they looked upright and happy, they looked weird. I was perplexed. So I started over, and this time they looked okay. But then I put on the dress and damned if my boobs weren't lopsided. One hung straight down, while the other was clearly forcibly facing my left. Frustration set in. I went to Pookie and asked if my tatas looked okay. Naturally he said that they looked fine, in an attempt to get me to hurry the hell up. I knew what needed to be done. I grabbed my jacket and walked outside. I went to my neighbor Barbie's apartment and immediately said to her "I need help taping my boobs."

I've only known Barbie for a few months but between conversations, advice, watching my son, and making the best damned sandwich I ever had, she's been a God send. Now I'll have to add taping my boobs to her list of accomplishments.

Barbie, our friend Yvette and I headed to the bathroom and closed the door. The first order of business was to take off the duct tape, which had started to settle onto my skin. DEAR GOD. Have you ever waxed your nipples? Well, I don't have any hair on my jugs so I have no need to wax them, but if I did, I imagine that is something what I went through last night. Barbie and Yvette wanted to slowly and painlessly try to rip the tape off, but time was short and my frustration took over. Being the dumbass that I am, I ripped the tape off of my boobs. I remember seeing the skin clinging to the great tape as I pulled if off with all my might. I saw stars as. I wanted to cry. My eyes watered. My boobs hurt and they hurt bad.

Once we got the original set of tape off, Barbie began to apply the more tape as I held my breast firmly into position. Yvette sat back and cut the tape into strips for our mission. All I could think was how much some perv would be willing to pay for footage of three women in the bathroom playing with boobies and using duct tape. After much measuring and trying to figure out the best way to execute Operation Tape Tatas we found the best way. Barbie taped them up. The only problem then was that they were once again crooked.

Thankfully, the tape hadn't set in, so taking this set down wasn't as bad. This time we were able to go back and fix them, and just like I imagined, they looked perfect. Barbie even had me jump up and down before I left to assure that they stayed in place. It was time to party.

I got there and it was great seeing all of my homies from Southwest Dekalb High School. Pookie sat off in the corner with his brother, while I went off and sat down with my homegirls. I let everyone know that if my boobs popped out, they were to let me know immediately because I wasn't trying to end up on the internet. For some reason, I would have been more embarrassed about duct tape showing than I would have been about my actual teets hanging.

My old friend Kenshala started talking and I told her about my apprehension with my boobs. She told me not to worry about it and that if they pooped out, she'd let me know. The song "Blame It On the Alcohol" came on, and I knew that I had to hit the dance floor, since my dearly departed cousin loved this song. I had to bust a move in his honor. The only problem was that as soon as I got down they started to come out. Kenshala pointed it out. Thankfully, I'd hit the dance floor wearing my sweater, so we fastened it. But that didn't stop Irma and Chyna (yes I named my boobs, don't judge me!!). I knew what I needed to do.

I excused myself and went to the bathroom and went into a stall where I prepared. Of course the tape had settled again. Once again, I went for quick and painful to get it over with. I saw stars. And then for Irma (the one on the left). Again it hurt. I couldn't believe that I was in a public ladies' room ripping tape off of the delicate skin of my breasts. After I dried my eyes I went back to the dance floor. I was ready to get down with my bad self.

Unfortunately, Pookie had talked me into wearing an uncomfortable pair of shoes. So despite my going back and forth over the issue of "the ladies" I still wasn't able to dance because my feet were in immense pain. FML

Malika Goes Back to School

Well, as you know, I've been looking for work for a while now. Actually, my father has hooked me up with a job and I'm actually pretty stoked about it. But that doesn't mean that I'm not constantly looking for something else. Anyway, I looked around at jobs and so many of them are paying next to nothing. All I could think to myself was that I spent a decade in college only to look at job boards that only pay $12/hr.

Then I got to thinking about what I'd like to do, and it brought itself back to what I've been thinking about for a minute. I'd like to get into social work. So a masters degree in social work it is. I'm actually pretty geeked about it. I can still do my own thing on the side and work full time while getting my degree. Who ever knew that the girl they called stupid would be the one to get her master's degree?

I'm looking at going to Georgia State University and they actually offer a degree in African American Studies. Too bad I can't do that one too. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. As soon as it gets warm (I swear to God, it's so freaking cold right now. Black people aren't meant to live like this!) I'm going to go down to campus to beg my way into their graduate program. If that doesn't work, I'll be back at my alma mater. Either way, soon I'll be a graduate student. How cool is that?

It's Okay to Brag

Talking with Pookie recently, I'd asked him about men bragging about sexual conquest. Somehow, the question came up about men talking about their sexual exploits at home with the Mrs. and he said something that I took slight offense to. Apparently, men don't brag about their sexual exploits with their significant others. I was outraged.
From what I was told, men would be bored to share the sexy details of the same chick they've been banging for the last few years, so unless a man and wifey do something really sexually thrilling, the average man keeps sex talk about his woman to a minimum.
Perhaps it's just my own selfish reason, but I'd have no problem with Pookie bragging on our sexual exploits. Hell, it's not like I'm dropping drawers all over the place, so if someone knew how I got down with him, I'd have no problem with that. To be quite honest, I'm proud to boast about me and Pookie's sexual exploits. Over drinks, I'm ecstatic to share with my homegirls how talented he is.
Call it an ego boost, but I know that there are so many women that are prettier, smarter, richer, and skinnier than me, so at least I can get my jollies by being proud of the fact that the man I'm living with knows what makes mama happy. I used to think that my ex that I was with for years was awesome, but dear GOD! He has nothing on what I've got now.
But anyway, I'd be okay with Pookie bragging on me. Frankly, I'd be honored to make it to the sordid conversations where men brag about banging some hot chick. As a matter of fact, with my checkered history, I wouldn't be surprised if I've already been the subject of a few naughty locker room conversations. Hell, I've always been a conversation piece. ;)
So anyway, between the two of us, I'm apparently the only one that can and will boast about how good I've got it at home.
Take that all of you skinny, rich, smart, pretty women! At least I've got one thing on you!!

What I Learned in 2009

Yes, another one of THOSE posts. I've been looking through a few other blogs, and it's kind of fascinating to see what people are learning, so I figured that I'd take to my blog. My blog is pretty much where I think out loud. So here it is. Pardon me if I ramble.

* Blood doesn't make family, love makes a family
* I can say all kinds of crap about my baby daddy, but I will fuck anyone up that says anything bad about him.
* Motherhood is the best thing to ever happen to me.
* I don't know if I'll ever get married, and I don't know if I want to.
* The more die hard a Christian a person claims to be, the less I trust them.
* It's dangerous to have outside people in your relationship.
* I really am better off without my mother and sisters.
* I love myself more and more every day.
* Anybody that expects me not to love myself doesn't deserve to be near me.
* Love isn't as pretty as many people think it is.
* Anyone that Googles me to find my blog and yet claims to hate me and comes on here to start shit, needs pity and prayer.
* My stalker can pretend all day that it is I that stalks her, but she and I both know the truth. Hopefully in the new year her balls will drop and she'll move on with her life. Anyway, I've learned how sad and lonely she truly is.
* My immediate family may be fucked up, but I've got the dopest cousins, uncles and aunts.
* A good haircut really can change your look and how you feel about yourself.
* Lip gloss and earrings can complete the simplest outfit.
* Just because you fall in love doesn't mean they'll love you back.
* It doesn't matter how loyal you are, that doesn't mean you'll get it back.
* Just because you have a small tiff with one of your friends, it doesn't mean you have to swear them off forever. Sometimes people are just blowing off steam.
* I'm a really good writer and if I work hard at it, I can go far.
* My son may not talk a lot, but he's a little genius.
* Facebook isn't private, no matter what your settings are.
* I may not be a traditional mother, but I'm a pretty good mother.
* I'm a better mother than I had, and although she'd never admit it, I know it in my heart and I'm quite proud of that.
* I'm my son's best friend, and I take that role quite seriously.
* Pookie's family is actually pretty dope and I'm really glad that they're in my son's life.
* My father may have all of the problems in the world, but he's still MY daddy.
* Sometimes you have to accept people and their flaws. No one is perfect.
* When someone gives you their best, feel honored. Never judge someone's best.
* Sometimes a kiss can make everything better.
* No matter what some bitter ass women will tell you, watching a son interact with his father is the greatest joy.
* There is no shame in needing help.
* Pookie may act hard core, but I know that he loves our son with all of his heart. And our son loves him back.
* There are very few feelings better than a job well done.
* College graduation is that much sweeter when your whole damned life, people called you stupid.
* If Pookie was ever seriously hurt, I don't know how I'd go on.
* My friends Courtney, Shaunnika and Tierinique are all I need for a successful girl's night out.
* He may not say it, but I know he loves me.
* Long hair is a bitch to take care of.
*Poverty taught me how to survive on next to nothing. So when I do start making money, I'll be able to stretch my dollars and save the way I normally would.
* It's damned near impossible for 2010 to be worse than 2009.

Happy New Year everyone! Thank you for following me and allowing me to get so much off of my chest! I love you ALL!!

Having His Cake and Eating It Too

Last night, I went to visit with my cousin, who had just given his fiance a ring. My cousin pulled me aside and started to talk about my situation with Pookie. He suggested that I stop letting him do his thing on the side. I completely understand where he was coming from, but unfortunately I'm in a bit of a rut.

First off, until I find a decent job, my little Pumpkin and I are financially dependent on him. That's really not my first choice and I've got a few projects that I'm working on, but for right now, it is what it is. Second, Pookie went straight from his mother's home, to his ex-wife's home, to being here with me and the little one. I was fortunate enough to spend most of my twenties as a young fabulous party girl. I lived alone, I traveled, I went to college, I worked and paid my own bills, I met and dated fabulous men. Pookie never really got that chance. Perhaps I am selling myself short, but I understand how much he missed out on and I feel bad about that. Maybe if he weren't so good looking and charming he wouldn't have women clinging to him the moment he stepped out of the house. Believe me, women are drawn to him like flies to shit.

My cousin pointed out the obvious truth, which is that Pookie and I have an emotional attachment to one another. We escort one another to family functions, we do "adult stuff" together, we share our innermost thoughts. We may not be in a committed relationship, but we're definitely committed in other ways.

On the flip side, today I called him at work, simply to tell him that I love him and he replied with "I've got to get back to work." Ouch. Would have been so hard to have replied with a simple "thank you"? Now that's the kind of shit that makes me say that I want out!

What hurts so much about that is that before Pookie, I dated a lot of men. After I gave birth to Pumpkin, about 5 of my old flames hit me up and confessed to me that they'd hoped that they'd be the one to give me a child. My friends used to call me a "food whore" for my willingness to drive to the other side of town to take my man food at work. Pookie even enjoyed that luxury while I was pregnant and working. I've always given awesome back massages. I'm funny. I'm great company. When I have money, I don't mind paying my own way or even paying a guy's way. When I consider myself to be with a man, there isn't much I won't do for him. I am far more submissive to a man than many people realize. And what most women don't see is that men love that. Men love coming home to hot meals. They love a woman that will hit the gym just for them. Men loved the special treatment.

So how did I go from being the woman that men sought, to being with a guy that can't even appreciate a kind word in the middle of his work day?

While I truly don't consider myself a gold digger, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't appreciate what he does for me. I see how much so many other women lose sleep as they figure out which bill has priority. On the flip side, I sleep until noon. My son is so close to his father. It warms my heart every time I see them tossing the basketball or wrestling on the floor. I'm so fortunate to be a housewife.

The Women's Lib Movement really effed up things. Suddenly, if you're blessed to have a man that is able to pay bills, you're a lazy gold digger. Let me set the record straight on that. The reason I moved in with Pookie was so that I could finish my last few classes of college. At the time I got pregnant, I only had about 7 classes to go before I got my degree. My goal was to get a job so that could get a good job to take care of me and my Pumpkin with little to no help from his father. My other goal was to get a job so that I could support Pookie while he finished up school, just like he'd done for me. That doesn't make me a gold digger, that makes me a woman that is appreciative.

Recently, some bitter ass female relatives with horrible track records with picking losers were trying to talk smack about me living with Pookie. What's so funny is that my father and uncle both agree that me living with the father of my child is what the hell I'm supposed to be doing. Somehow, Black women have gotten it twisted to where many of them look down on those of us that do what we have to do to keep our families together. I'm not knocking anyone that chooses to be a single mother, so why knock me for choosing to keep my family together? Why is it that White women are considered "stay at home moms" while Black women are "lazy" and "gold diggers"?

So anyway, I'm in a rut. I love Pookie and I love having my family together. Some days I'm in heaven. Other days, I just want to be left the hell alone. Perhaps Pookie is having his cake and eating it too. Perhaps I am taking advantage of the situation. Perhaps I should just move out. Perhaps we should just get married. Perhaps both of us know that getting married is a big mistake. I don't know. But I do know that one way or another, things can't continue on like this. Because I'd rather slit my freaking wrist than to have a half assed relationship with a man for 13 years and counting.

To Do in 2010

I don't believe in New Years Resolutions. I probably should, but I'm lazy and I'm not known for following through on shit, so I gave up on them. But I do have a list of a few things that I'd like to do. A while back I told myself that I was going to be a paid writer so I took to my Twitter page to declare that. A few days later, I was a freelance writer and I just got my first check in the mail from it. Talk about a proud moment. It was then that I remembered how important it is to write down my goals. So anyway, here is my list.

1) Within 5 years, I will be the top Black humor columnist in this country. After that, the goal is to be the top humor columnist in the country. I'm funny. Shut up, I am!! Yep, that's going to be me. I'm going to find a literary agent too. I know this is driving my hater crazy too! I'm already writing for two digital magazines, so next up is to get a regular column for a print magazine. And they will be funny too! Shut up, they will!!

2) My digital magazine will finally happen. Money is tight, but once I get the loot up, I'm going to get this cracking. Trust and believe, this is going to be big.

3) Jogging. I've tried exercising and I suck at it. I get all winded and sweaty. I've always wanted to be a runner though. And my best friend got me an mp3 player, so that's going to be my motivation to get my ass in gear. I'm not even trying to lose weight, although that would be an awesome side result.

4) Writing. I come to my blog to vent, but I need to practice my craft of writing more. Actually, I'm getting a lot better at it, but if I'm going to make humor my main goal, I've got to do more writing on it.

5) Taking better care of my health. I was diagnosed with a sickness a while ago and my whole life has changed because of it. If I'm not careful, I could get really sick or even die. Not trying to be morbid, but that's just what it is. I'm not scared though, I've just got to be careful.

Loyalty

I pride myself on the unrelenting friendship that I give. Anyone that's ever been close to me will tell you that I'm one of the most loyal and ride or die people that you'll ever meet. I've lent (given) money, I've given countless rides, I've taken in 6 couch surfers over the years, I've taken a multitude of phone calls from friends crying about relationship issues, I've fed people, and I've pretty much been the kind of friend that I'd like to have.

The one thing I absolutely cannot and will not tolerate is betrayal. I've recently had to deal with betrayal from family, of all things. I can't say that I'm all that surprised, but yes, I am hurt. It's cool though. Sadly, my family hasn't been all that supportive of me throughout the years anyway but it's effed up when someone dies and folks come out of the wood works to apologize for being douchebags, only to turn around and continue being douchebags later. I can't say that I'm too hurt though, because every time I fall out with them, I turn around and see how loyal my true friends are. And although I'm not religious, I've got to admit that someone or something out there truly loves me, because I'm surrounded by some of the most incredible friends that a woman could hope for.

As a matter of fact, I recently hit up my friend Portia and asked her if I was overreacting in being pissed about the betrayal. She told me that I as absolutely justified and gave the example of how when my stalker (y'all know, the slutbag bitch that won't get a damned life) sent her a friend invite on Facebook, she promptly deleted it. I was absolutely floored. I'd had no idea that sleezy skeezer tried to buddy up to a friend of mine, but my homie squashed it before it even started. Now that is my HOMIE!! Portia didn't even call me and ask me what to do, she simply decided on her own that she wasn't going to buddy up with someone that I wasn't cool with. I honestly would have reacted the same way. The cool thing was that she didn't even find it necessary to tell me about it until now. She simply did right by me, and kept it moving.

The funny thing is that one of my betrayers is actually someone that I'd fallen out with before and only linked back up with recently. That person had the nerve to make some really fucked up comments about my son and I promptly put her ass on my "not to be fucked with" list. So for 2 years she called me, texted me, emailed me, and even tried to talk to relatives to get me to be cool with her again. My response was always the same- apologize for what you said about my kid. For 2 years, she refused to apologize. And for 2 years, I told her to kiss my ass.

I remember how once, a few days before Christmas, she hit me up and told me she wanted us to be cool. I demanded an apology for disrespecting my baby. She refused. I hung up. She called back and told me that a friend of hers had recently lost a relative, and she didn't want us to be strained. Again, I demanded an apology. Again, she refused. Again I hung up. She did eventually apologize. It's just sad that she had to miss so much of my son's life because of her own goddamned ego. And now she's doing this fucked up shit. I'm not surprised.

I have to admit, being the object of someone's hate isn't all that new for me. Hell, even getting text messages from the people that supposedly hate me, begging for a relationship with me isn't new. I just find it humorous that so many people seem to hate me so much, yet those same people are the ones that contact ME. If I'm such a bitch, leave me alone and let me live my life. There are far more people that love me for who and what I am, so if I'm a bitch, or childish, or whatever people want to call me, dammit, let me do me. I think that those same people that claim to hate me, underneath it all, understand what a wonderful friend I really am, and they know they're missing out. They really hate me because I've done good for them, they eventually fucked up, and I cut them off, so they're missing my friendship. Enter the misplaced hate. They hate me for moving on without them, and they hate me for doing good without their friendship. They should really hate themselves for missing out on me. I think they secretly do.

It's all good though. My son has over a dozen pretend aunts that love him more than he'll ever know. If pretend aunts are more loyal than his real aunts, that's good enough for us.

what won't make it with me into 2010

i've been through more shit than a little bit for the last month. i'm trying to be positive and stay the cynical, twisted mofo that you've all come to know and love, but unfortunately there have been negative forces at hand, working to knock me off of my core. here i will compile a list of people, habits, and ideas that WILL NOT follow me into the new year. my goal is to lay low for the rest of 2009 and focus on being the hot milf that i normally am and focus on making 2010 work for me.

1) this skanky ass whore that my roommate is fucking. i haven't written about her, but this hoe is ungrateful, uncouth, a hypocrite, and a walking example of why i think church should be avoided. this ignorant cunt considers herself a minister. bitch please. anyway, this loud, country, big ass fake hoodrat is OFFICIALLY not even on my radar for the upcoming year.

2) staying here!! my apartment makes me miserable. i'm ready to take my baby and relocate to a cozy little home in decatur. perhaps pookie will come with me, perhaps not. either way, i'm high tailing it to my new home. this isn't gonna be my residence for all of 2010.

3) jealous ass relatives. one of my relative had the GALL to crack on my son for being non-verbal. those that live in glass crack pipes shouldn't throw stones. anyway, my baby is here and he's mine. i love every hair on his head and i wouldn't change a thing about him. as a matter of fact, any jealous hoes that can't get or keep a man, or that were too damned lazy to raise their own kids, need to keep their nose up out of me and mine. my son is happy and healthy and he loves is mama! and i love him back.

4) negative relatives. another had the nerve to say that i'm living off of pookie. i'm very blessed that pookie was around to help me get out of school. now the plan is for me to help him get out of school. petty, bitter ass women kill me being mad anytime a woman has a good man around to help her. i hauled ass to graduate from school for my son. i'm not planning to be the same kind of parental support (or lack there of) that i had. dad held me down. as for the other parent...

5) unemployment. thankfully i've been able to spend a lot of time with my son, and that is absolutely precious. but the time has come for me to make major bread. i'm making a little money through one of the websites i'm writing for, but i need more paper. 2010 is going to be the year of gainful employment for me. dad has a good connect for me, so while i wait for other things to pop off, i'll have a side gig to make some decent money.

6) negativity in general. all of these negative folks have really rocked me. i try so hard to stay the course, but i'm only human and i feel like i've got the world on my shoulders. i'm blessed with some of the dopest and most loyal friends (and select fam) that a girl could ask for. i wish i could let them all know from the bottom of my heart how much their friendship has meant to me. i'll lean more on them and remember to reflect the positive vibes that they give me.

7) chloe. this chick is too fucking pathetic to even care about. man, that heifer even came on here, leaving comments, hoping that she'd start beef with me, and direct traffic to her blog. i deleted her comments and kept it rolling. perhaps if she wrote about more than just her cats and her baby daddy, someone would give a damn about what she's doing. and i don't even know for sure what she writes about, but the only thing that disease infested cumbucket has going for herself is the dude she tricked into knocking her up and her fucking his best friend. i know, classy, right? anyway, that pathetic skeezer is also falling off the radar. hopefully her wack ass won't pop back up. but then again, she's my stalker, so i've come to expect that she'll try to pop up because she's starved for my attention. of course she's really just jealous of me, but she tries to hide that with her pretend hatred of me. if she wasn't such a nobody, i'd actually pity her. moving on...

8) expectations. so often i get disappointed when i try to label or place things were i think they need to be. i'm going to let go of the things that i can't control and accept things as they are and as they're meant to be. i've got no expectations of me and pookie or much else. actually, i have decided what direction pookie and i should move in and he and i are on the same page, which i'm happy about. i'm not going to elaborate on it, but we both know what the best thing for eachother and our friendship is. anyway, i'm setting a few personal and professional goals, but other than that, i'll simply give it to the higher power, while i try to focus on being the best person i can be.

so there we have it. my list of things that won't make it into 2010 with me. i'm going to bed now. i had to get that off of my chest. nighties all.

Open Invitations

Recently, I went outside to talk with my neighbor as she walked her daughter from the bus stop. Coincidentally, another neighbor was with her (woman I'd seen around, but never met before), and her son and my son took to eachother instantly. I was really glad to see my son playing with someone his own age, since he's normally not really social with other children. Not only that, my son isn't all that verbal, so I've been making it a point to try to get him to hang with other kids so he'll start to talk. The other woman said that her son has 3 sisters and she was glad to see him interacting and getting to wrestle and play around with another boy. Seeing the mutually beneficial relationship in this, we agreed that we should let our sons get together more often.

Being a stay at home mother myself, I asked her if she was home during the day. She replied that no, she's not home during the day, but her husband is. She was implying that she would have no problem with me going to her home so our sons could play while she was working and her husband was home. I guess she sensed my apprehension, so she followed it with telling me that she was home on Fridays and that the kids could get together then. I nodded and agreed that Fridays are good.

As I sat back and reflected on it later, I couldn't believe that she would invite me into her home, with her husband while she was gone. WTF?! She is obviously a very trusting woman and I'm sure that her husband is a great guy. But there is absolutely no way I'd meet a woman, speak with her casually, not know a damned thing about her, and invite her into my home, with my man, while I'm gone. While I do understand the necessity of our kids playing together, it's certainly not worth inviting what could be a bad look.

I made it known that I would go by on Fridays instead, because I don't want my name or likeness to be associated with any foolishness (okay, ANYMORE foolishness, but don't judge me). The last thing I need is for one of my neighbors to go to her and claim that they saw me going by the house all dressed up, and I was in her home for a while with the door closed. No ma'am. If I'm home with my son and we're really restless, at most, I may knock on the door and ask the husband and his little ones to come out and play. I don't even think I'd go into his home to tinkle. It's just not worth it.

I told myself that one day, I'd invite my two female neighbors over for a glass of wine, and once we chilled and got to talking about relationships and whatnot, I'd tell her to be careful about who she invites into her home. I was woman enough to avoid a bad situation. The next time, she may not be so lucky.

Victory Through Violence- I Beat My Bully's Ass

i've talked at length about growing up and hating myself. there was a person in my life that physically and verbally assaulted me for years. she made me hate myself. and i'm not gonna put who that cunt is out there (because she doesn't deserve a mention on my precious blog), but long story short, she and i just go into a fight. and I WHOOPED HER ASS!!! god, i feel so GOOD!! i spent my whole life being afraid of a chick who was only able to pull my hair! i feel like was fighting a 16-year-old white girl!! She kept saying "put your hands on me!!" so i pushed her!! she obviously wasn't expecting me to push her since she fell on her butt! so ensue fight!!

*hugging my mothereffing self!!*

i feel like i got that monkey off my back. i don't think that i'll ever need to raise my hands to another person again because i was finally able to beat the ass of the chick that really deserved it. all of my anger and negative energy and thoughts are gone! i feel nothing but love and inner peace. i'm actually smiling over here. this is the first time in my life that i've ever walked away from a fight with a smile on my face. i feel like i could run a mile. goodness knows that i won't because i'm still lazy as hell, but i feel like i could.

not only did i beat her, i beat my demons! i beat my fear!!! i conquered her!! i should be upset. i should be over here nursing wounds, but i don't have any!! i did it!! i don't advocate violence. quite the opposite (although quite honestly, i do wish i'd have thrown more punches). but much like the man i was named after (El Hajj Malik Shabaaz aka Malcolm X), i feel that sometimes you have to swing the axe. and i did. i beat her ass for all of those little Black girls who somebody told them they wouldn't be shit. i beat her ass for all of those women that have had some negative jealous bitch tell her that she didn't deserve love. YOU DO DESERVE LOVE!! i know because I HAVE LOVE!! i hated myself for so long, but i didn't have to!! i beat her ass and i beat MY DEMONS!!

this is the third best thing that's ever happened to me after giving birth and graduating college. and i'd GLADLY do it again.

p.s. gosh she's silly. she just sent me a LONG series of text messages saying that she got a loc of hair. a) that's not true, my hair is pretty healthy and i checked, all of my locs are in place. she's also threatening to call the police. sorry, no fear. no one comes into my home and cuts up the way she did. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! i'm getting stronger and stronger.