Day 16: My First Kiss

There are some things that I try to keep deeply buried and this is one of them, but I guess I must do as I must. My first kiss happened when I was 15 years old. My mom wasn't home and one of the guys in the neighborhood was at my home and trying to get me to have sex with him (unfortunately I ended up giving my virginity to another douchebag later on, which I'm not going to bother to repeat). Anyway, he and I were on my bed and he leaned over and kissed me. That guy is now pretty much a bum living on his mother's couch and I wouldn't let him touch my lips again, even to give me cpr.

Sister To Sister

So like everything else in my life, this perfectly aligns to fit in with the foolishness I'm going through. I talked earlier about me meeting with a teenage girl that has a daughter. When I meet with kids for the first time, I always give them my phone number (my stepmother, a teacher, swears that I will eventually tire of this practice) and tell them to call me if they need to talk. I don't normally mind it. Anyway, my teen mom hit me today and said she needed to talk. I stepped outside and prepared to help her with whatever she needed.

She started by talking about her daughter's father, who is now dating a former friend of hers. She said that the guy and his chick routinely call and threaten her and she doesn't know what to do. She said that they call her with stupidity and she is tired of the mess. *Sigh* While I hate it that my kids go through these kind of problems, I love being a big sister of sorts and helping my kids out. I'm not an angel and I've done my share of dirt. But time and reflection have given me the chance to look back on my life and know what I did wrong, and where I fucked up. I started by asking her if she still sleeps with him. She sheepishly admitted she does. I told her to stop immediately. I told her that it doesn't matter if she needs to masturbate or just take cold showers, I told her that she needed to get far away from him. I told her that if a man really loved her, he wouldn't get off on letting his new chick harass her. I told her that Pookie would NEVER let me call his ex-wife and harass her, because only a man that truly cares about both parties wouldn't let either of them go back and forth (yet another reason why I love my man). I told her to get her shit in order and watch him begging and pleading for her once she did.

And then I had to break down the mentality of the other chick for her. I told her that she must be doing something right in her life for the new chick to call and text her continuously. I let my "lil' sis" know straight up that if she really had dude's heart, that chick wouldn't be thinking about her because she'd be content in her own life and relationship. Like always, I used my own life to illustrate the points I was making. I told my friend how twisted it is that my ex-boyfriend's baby mama is so insecure that after all these years, she's still hitting me up. I told her how crazy it is that someone is so bored with their life that all they have time to do is to email and text me and my family and friends. I told my lil' homie that if she really wanted to get under dude's skin, she should totally forget about him. I told her that when she drops off her kid, not to say a word. Don't ask him how is day is, and don't offer to tell him how her day is. If he asks her in for lemonade or to get down, she should say no, because she's got a man waiting to take her out. I told her to go to school, get her own spot, get a job and watch his mouth hang open as dudes that are worth something start to take notice and take her out.

By the end of our conversation, my lil' homie felt a lot better, I could hear it in her voice. It's like I'm a paid big sister. How cool is that?

Day 15: My Dreams

Goodness, am I really halfway through this? I guess so. Anyway, I don't really have any "dreams." I've got goals. I wouldn't really call them dreams though. I guess if I got the chance to do anything with my life, I'd want to be a sort of Oprah for kids with problems. I've always felt that the issues I've gone through were given to me to help me be able to relate to others. So I guess my dream would be to make money (and LOTS of it) as a media person that helps teens. Although I disagree with some of the things Michael Baisden does and says, I love the media model route he took, going from selling books out of the trunk of his car, to doing seminars, to doing plays, to having his own nationally syndicated radio show. So I guess I do have a dream. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Day 14: What I Wore Today

So today was the day that I'd been waiting so long for, it was House in the Park. It was basically a day where a bunch of the underground heads in Atlanta get together and hang in the Perkerson Park. I saw so many artist that I know and love just walking around. I saw Joi, Algebra (she's so beautiful and always so sweet), Rahbi, and a few others. There were at least 2,000 people there. I've never seen so many heads of locs in one place together in my life! It's crazy how we all know one another. I kept saying that today was the first time I've seen so many Black people together and not been afraid that someone was going to start shooting or fighting. We had a great time and the music was on point. Unfortunately, Pookie has been blasting the ac and my nose is leaking like a faucet. But this is the dress I wore. It's a little denim number. I got it from Portia's mother. I'll twist the pic tomorrow. Going to bed now. Nighties.

Day 13: My Week

To say it's been a hell of a week is putting it mildly. For starters, I went ahead and got the restraining order against the person that has been bothering me. Hopefully this restraining order can be laid firmly in place and she'll have to deal with her own issues and demons and leave me the hell alone. On the Pookie tip, we've decided that we're still going to work on us and not have any official titles, but no screwing around. I love him. All of this restraining order stuff has showed me again how awesome he is.

I started out jogging with Daisy in the park. We didn't get too much done, but we did get something done, which I'm happy about. Later in the week I hit the gym and worked my ass off. I managed to jog my mile in less than 15 minutes (13:54 minutes to be exact!), which is yet another record for me. I'd even discovered that I'd dropped another 3 lbs. While working out, I've been listening to Janet Jackson's "Velvet Rope" cd and it does well at amping me up to run and lift weights. My arms are FINALLY starting to shape up.

Anyway, this week has also been a lot of me catching up on paperwork. I interviewed a rapper named Max Minelli a few weeks ago, so I'm finishing up the article I need to write on him. I'm also kind of behind on some paperwork from work so there hasn't been a lot of fun on my end. On a good note though, I had to meet with a couple of new kids this week. Sometimes I really don't know what to expect from the kids I'm gonna work with, so I go in there blind and hope to be able to help.I got to the home of the first girl and asked a few questions and found out that she's in her mid to late teens and mother of a girl who is a year old. Her guardian made it known that old girl doesn't have her g.e.d., can't go back to high school, and that she needs to get her shit together. I told old girl that I'm a huge advocate of education and I proudly told her that it took me nearly a decade to get my degree, and that I can hold my head high and say that I've got it. I told her that play time is over since she has a child and that she needed to get her stuff together, since the guardian made it known that she wasn't going to keep allowing her to sleep all day while she isn't working or going to school. I made plans with her to hang out next week and work on a life plan for her.

 The day after was even more poignant. I had another new girl i had to meet with. She was between 7 and 10. She was beautiful. Smart. Reserved. I sensed confusion and the desire to be accepted. I knew she was loving. I was drawn to her. She was in foster care. I asked if she wanted to talk about her mother and she said no. I asked if she wished she were back home with her mother and she shook her head no. I then stopped asking.This is her first time in foster care. She was hoping to be adopted by a relative. I took her to a playground so we could talk. That's when I became more open with her than I'd ever been with any of my other kids. I told her that I understood. I told her that I know what it's like to wonder why your mom doesn't accept you. I told her that I know times seem bleek. Then I promised her that if she held on that she'd grow up and she'd finally be in control. I told her that she'd get the chance to become the kind of mother she wished she'd had. She was silent.

I wanted to take her home with me. I wanted to give her a bedroom filled with beautiful dolls and teddy bears. I envisioned her being a perfect older sister to Pumpkin. I wanted to adopt her. I wanted to give her the mother she deserved and I wanted her to have the wonderful childhood and mother that I never had. I took her back and we agreed to meet next week as well. I know that Pookie would think I was insane to want to adopt her. I know that right now I've got some things to work on, but I've made a conscious decision to keep her adoption in mind.

Today was pretty cool too. Tomorrow is an event we're all looking forward to, so there's a lot of planning going on for that. Pookie asked me to go to the store where I came across a dude wearing a Kennesaw t-shirt. I asked if he was an alumni and he was. We sat there in the middle of the store and talked for about 10 minutes. It felt awesome to get to talk to another Black person that went to the school around the same time and had a similar experience. He and I exchanged numbers and agreed to be one another's dates at the alumni networking gatherings since we'd both joked about avoiding the events for fear of not knowing anybody. I just got back from seeing another one of my kids and his mom. I'm watching "Fried Green Tomatoes" and I'm taking a nap soon. This has been a great week, just like all the others.

Day 12: What's In My Bag

I had such a cool day today that I almost blogged about it, but I looked at tomorrow's topic which encompasses the whole week, so I decided that I'd just wait. Anyway, my purse contains my sunglasses, my change purse, my wallet, my cell phone, a bank receipt that I'd written some directions on, hand sanitizer, nail clippers, a small bottle of Curve perfume, Lancome lip gloss, Lipsmacker Stawberry lip gloss, 2 tubes of lip gloss that was some kind of fairy brand (I got it in San Diego at Hot Topic and I don't remember the brand but it was on sale and I'd love to find them again), 2 tubes of Shineblast lip gloss, and a tube of Lip Luscious lip gloss. Yes, I now have 7 tubes of lip gloss in my purse. Why? Cuz I loves me some lip gloss.

Day 11: My Siblings

I've got 4 sibs. Ayana, Shadia, David, and Karah. I spend a lot of time with my younger sibs, David and Karah. They live in Atlanta with our dad and their mom. Ayana lives in New York and Shadia is in the Navy and stationed in Japan.

Day 10: What I Wore Today

Today I wore a white v-neck tshirt, turquois flipflops, DKNY jeans that Pookie bought me and the dope hoop crochet earrings that my homie, Nora made.

By the way, blogging once a day is WAY harder than it looks. 

Day 9: My Beliefs

So anyway, I'm Buddhist. I believe that people are in charge of their own emotions. If someone is miserable and lonely, it is often of their own doing. Meditation is often a big part in making things better in someone's life. If you can visualize it, you can make it a reality. Everyone has the power to control their own destiny, only most people refuse to see or accept that, so instead they blame others. I believe that everything happens for a reason. As a child, I always knew that my suffering was happening for a reason, and now I find that my experiences made it that much easier to relate to kids when their parents have no idea what's going on with them. I believe that spirits surround us and interact with us almost daily. I believe that I'm happier in my life now than I've ever been. And I believe that there isn't a motherfucker on this planet that can take my joy or peace from me.

Day 8: A Moment

There are some times in life that you just know are special. Moments that stand out as they happen, and you know that moment will stay with you forever. As I approach my son's third birthday, I think back on this moment.

The day before his first birthday, I frantically cleaned our apartment and Pookie agreed to take him out while I tried to get things in order for our guests the next day. I put Pumpkin in his little blue sweatsuit and I handed him to his father. Something about the moment of watching them walk down the hall together... seeing my little munchkin next to his 6'6 father walking down the hall will always resonate with me. I was hoping that his dad would take him for ice cream or something nice.

When they got back, Pookie had brought him a yellow toy lawnmower that makes too much freaking noise and he bought him a set of blocks, both presents that he'd let him pick out for himself for his birthday. I looked at his shirt and asked why it was so dirty. His dad said he'd taken him to Coldstone for ice cream. It's like he read my mind. So anyway, that's my moment. Watching my little booger with his daddy walking down the hall. I hate to say it for fear that you know who will come on here starting mess, but I'd often heard her say that the father of her child is such an emotional deadbeat, that I know to appreciate what Pookie does that much more. So I appreciate seeing him take his son out. I loved that moment. And I always will.

Day 7: My Best Friend

Some days I want to call Pookie my best friend. Today he walked up to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me how much I mean to him. But Pookie, Portia, and Daisy aside, my best friend is my teddy bear, Santan. I've had 'Tan since I was 6 years old. She was a Macy's bear, given to me by my grandmother, when she was mailed for Christmas. My bear has been with me through it all. She has traveled with me, she has flown with me, and she has sat on my bed for the last 20 something years. She is beautiful and tattered, but she means the world to me. She has hugged me back as I gripped her and cried about one idiot boyfriend or another. I love my bear. Santan is my bestfriend. And my bear can kick your best friend's ass.

Day 6: My Day

Not much really happened today. I woke up and met Daisy at the park, where we jogged for about 30 minutes after warming up and goofing off. I told he how frustrated I am that my legs are starting to look awesome and there's hardly any cellulite there, but my stubborn gut (which is what I'm working on) has refused to go anywhere. We only ran for 30 minutes, because I had an appointment. The woman I was scheduled to see rescheduled at the last minute, so I cut my much needed jog short for nothing :(

Pumpkin is still with Pookie's mom, so he and I went apartment hunting today. I dropped him off at work since his truck is down, and I stopped in to see one of my kids and her moms. None of my other families was around or available, so I came on home to chill. It's 11:13 at night, and I'm on the way to go pick up Pookie now.

The End.

Day 5: My Definition of Love

Lord, I swear the timing of some of these blog topics is a trip. I had to go to traffic court outside of the city with a friend of mine today. Where we were, we got to see people coming and going that were there to get married. I shouted congratulations at the happy couples as they walked off, but secretly all I could think is that I don't know if I'll ever want to be married.

Earlier in the day I'd had a conversation with a guy friend of mine about something that Pookie does that would definitely be a deal breaker. I'd told my friend that Pookie had a couple of habits that I couldn't deal with and I'd started to seriously question if I should instead just cut my losses and start looking for someone else. My friend admitted that yes, Pookie definitely had a problem that would be hard to deal with long term (no, it's not drugs or other women or anything like that) and that I had to decide if it was something I could accept. At the time I truly didn't know.

Anyway, I was so happy for the couples, but all I could think of what a sham the whole thing is. I came home, tired as hell after a long day, and Pookie said some slick shit to me. I told him to shut the fuck up. I walked into my bedroom. I dropped my food on my bed, walked back out to the living room and told him that I want to end everything. He asked me what I wanted to drop. I told him us. That's right. Let's end it. You can't and won't change and I'm not going to waste my time trying to. He shrugged his shoulders. It's over. Hell, that's definitely the shortest relationship I've had. I don't know how I feel. Cool I guess. I'm kind of relieved though. When I initially told him that I wanted to try being in a relationship, he fought the notion. He asked if I was giving him an ultimatum. I told him that there was no ultimatum involved. I simply refuse to waste another second of my life in a "relationship" that didn't work. He could choose to be with me or not. I wouldn't lose any sleep regardless. I told him that we'd still be homies, and I'd be okay with him getting another woman, but I'd damned sure be out dating and looking for the right man. He agreed that we could be a couple and see where things go. So that's why it was so easy for me to end it. It's just that time.

So on to the topic at hand. Love is acceptance. Love is knowing when to speak up. Love is knowing when to shut your damned mouth. Love is hugging a man even if he hasn't showered in two days, and knowing he has your heart regardless. Love is knowing its okay for you to talk crazy about him, but being willing to shank any bitch that opens her mouth to do the same. Love is seeing the best in someone, even if they don't see it in themselves. Love is being willing to walk away and knowing when its best to not look back.

Day 4: What I Ate Today

Well, obviously this is supposed to be about what I ate today, but the whole day was awesome and enlightening, so I figured I'd incorporate it all here. Anyway, in cutting back on the eating, I didn't eat until noon. For breakfast/lunch, I ate some curry and rice that Pookie made last night. I also forced myself to drink my unsweetened cranberry juice to fight this stupid bladder infection. It tastes AWFUL. I had time to reflect on more ignorance from Chloe's direction. I had a rare moment of clarity/stupidity and sent her a text that said that despite knowing that she's not at all remorseful, I forgive her and I'm going to pray for her. Yep, I still want to punch her, but based on her actions, she's obviously miserable and for folks like that, all you can do is give it to a higher power. I even decided not to get that restraining order after all.

After that, I grabbed Pumpkin and hauled ass on to pick up Pookie's mom and so we could head down to Pine Mountain, Georgia. On the way down, she told me that she has no beef with me and she knows that I love Pookie and that she adores our son. I apologized for some stupid things I'd done previously. I talked a little about my family and other stuff. We got the chance to bond. I was thankful for the car trip. It really gave us the chance to get to know one another even further. On to the food, while there, we stopped at a Subway and I got a foot-long tuna on wheat, but only ate half of it. I unfortunately had 2 cups of Coke, which was shared with my son (I consider him my junk food buffer, so he can keep me from eating too much junk) and I picked at my son's snack meal of popcorn chicken and potato wedges.

While in Pine Mountain, we stopped at a Dollar General. I don't know about anyone else, but for darned near all of the small towns I visit, I'm always fascinated to visit their Dollar Generals. While in there, Pumpkin being Pumpkin, he ran around. I joked to the cashier that sometimes I wish he had been born at the age of 18. That's when she looked at me and told me that her daughter had died three years ago at the age of 17 in a car accident. I saw the pain on her face. She told me that she'd give anything to hear her daughter fighting with her sister just one more time. I asked her if I could hug her. She nodded. I hugged her tightly. I told her that I love her. And I told her that I'd keep her in my prayers.

Anyway, in the car I bumped some Velvet Rope and after playing "Go Deep" about 10 times in a row on the way home after I dropped Pumpkin off with Pookie's mom, I got the urge to finally visit the gym for the first time since Sunday. Unfortunately I only had time to run half a mile after finishing my weight training circuit, but it's better than nothing. I was so amped from the Janet that I actually ended up adding 5 to 10 lbs to each set. Daisy hit me up when I got home and asked if I wanted to hit the park to go jogging on Saturday. Hells yeah, I do. I miss her since she's back teaching. I got home, where Pookie was making chicken Parmesan. I finished it off and decided that I'm not going to eat tomorrow, as part of my diet that has already helped me to drop 9 lbs so far. Gotta go jogging tomorrow though. Anyway. Nighties.

Today

I'm taking Pookie's mom to Columbus, Georgia. Hour and a half ride. Knowing that I am blessed and that there are ignorant skeezers that seek to destroy my peace, because they haven't been happy a day in their life. Little do they understand that I am in control of my own happiness and no amount of ignorance and chickenheaded and childish behavior will ever change that. My happiness revolves around my child and his achievements, his relationship with his father, my overall friendship with his father, and the beautiful and blessed kids I work with. Pookie is the most beautiful and supportive man I could hope for. My life rocks. Rubbing Buddha's belly...