99 Problems

I did an overnight overtime shift recently. I'm so grateful that I'm now able to work some real overtime, although the people I work with at night are a different level. I'm okay with those day calls, where people have relative "normal" problems. Stuff like work issues, finances, life- "what does it all mean?" Those are the calls and conversations that I enjoy. Those spoken moments where we connect human being to human being. Night time callers have been a bitch and I'm not sure if it's the changing of the seasons, this recent full moon, the upcoming holidays, politics, or all of it. But I'm over it. Things got so bad that I started crying in the middle of my shift on Thursday and I opted to go home and bury my sorrows in a bag of The Juicy Crab. I broke the budget on those cheap, disgusting happy hour shots, but it was worth it. I came in the next day a lot more rested and I'm grateful that the callers were a lot calmer.

I talked with my therapist recently, and as she works with many supervisors at my job, she pointed out that even though I initially started going to her because of work, I rarely bring up the gig. I guess I can say that I'm glad that work is such a non-issue that it never even comes up in therapy, unless my therapist and I are talking shop.

I met up with a girlfriend the other day to catch up, and while we discussed life overall, one thing really stood out to me. I haven't had "man problems" since God-knows-when. Even the men who have been problems aren't really "problems." Like, I see their bullshit and I move accordingly, so what would have been viewed as a problem before is no longer that. When I linked up with the Birthday Bandit, I was anxious, but I decided that I was not going to ignore what I was seeing and feeling and I blocked his ass a week and a half after we got it in. My life is good, buddy did not begin to even put in enough good energy to take up the space he was and move the way he was trying to move.

I still occasionally entertain FAMM, but even with his mess, I don't feel overly vested and I hang with him to pass time, but I'll stop talking to him before I allow him to become a problem. And then with Fred, my "problem" became his refusal to grow the fuck up. So I ended that problem for both of us and I decided that my BLOCK button is no longer an option, he can be a 50-something manchild all he wants, I'm tapping out.

So like, no real problems at all. It's weird. When I get together and girl talk, we can talk about fashion, hair, vacations, retirement... you know, normal stuff. For so long, I wanted a man to share my space with and I'm so eternally grateful that never happened for me, long-term. Lord knows I learned a lot from those short-term situations though. I was trapped with one idiot, but no more. I'm not concerned about a man cheating, lying, making my question my value, or ruining my special moments. My life is mine and mine alone to live on my own terms. And I love it here.

My peace is undeniably, completely priceless. I got about 80% of my house decorated the way I want it to be. I've started purchasing paint so as the weather gets too freaking cold to go out, I can stay in here and finally get around to those last few projects I've been meaning to get around to. I'm finally adjusting to being an empty-nester and I really enjoy and appreciate being able to remain at home and focus one these last few projects. My house is just as colorful as I want and I'm making it a bit of a gallery of tall the weird, funky things I've collected over the years. Girl talk hit different these days, ya know?

The cats make me smile, outside of all the damned cat hair and the litter that needs constant changing. But you know what? Life is good. Damned good. I no longer understand the idea of "man problems" cuz that's not something I'll remotely entertain.