Birthday Season

 So much has happened in the last month since I've written. I did it. My baby is no longer a baby, he's officially a high school graduate. I did it. I really freaking did it!! I realized a few years back that the child's graduation is just as much for the parent as it is for the child, although the child won't really realize that. I remember crying while dropping him off at pre-k3, and how he's a 6'6 handsome young lad, who just graduated with a 3.6 GPA. He's intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and hysterical. Damn, I did that! Yeah, his dad helped a little, but I sacrificed so much to get him here. This win is mine and mine alone.

I've also never forgotten about my plan to move to Cali. I now have a job that pays twice what my other job paid (yeah, I'm doing okay for myself lol) and I have a house. I also work from home, so I can easily transfer, and even make more, due to the cost of living. I plan to move back, once my son graduates from college (possibly earlier). It wasn't time for me to be there when I went, and I came back, started from nothing, and I'm doing even better than I would have been had I never left. Things are really lining up for me, thank God.

On top of that, the first anniversary of Dres' death just passed. I was speaking to his fiancé about some things leading up and I asked what she'd had planned. She told me that since she'd planned the events immediately after he died, she intended to sit this one out, but welcomed anyone who wanted to pick up the baton. I knew we couldn't let the day go without a large public acknowledgement. I got to work, asking Dres' close friends how we are going to make this happen. I was prepared to pull something together from scratch, when one of his friends reminded me that Tuesday the (anniversary) already has a pretty popular day at a venue called Smith's Old Bar. His friends got to work contacting the host that night, who was also a good friend of Dres'. Within a week and a half, he managed to pull together an event night that would make my heavenly big bro proud. Dres' fiancé even flew in for it. I tend to sit in the background for stuff like that, but it felt good to know that lil old me got us all together to honor him.

I knew the day would get pretty emotional for me, I didn't expect that I'd start the day crying and essentially spend the rest of the day doing the same thing. Coincidentally, on that day, I'd posted an old pic of me and Dres from around 2002. In the pic, in the corner is a woman named Ayanna, and she happened to be the woman who first introduced me to him. That very afternoon, I stopped into a coffeehouse in East Atlanta and I ran into an absolute gem of a woman named Mo. Mo happens to be dating my homeboy Dirte, and Dirte has also struggled with Dres' loss. Mo hugged on me and helped to cheer me up, when I just wanted to implode. I walked out of the coffeeshop and ran into Ayanna, a woman I hadn't see in over 10 years!

The fact that I happened to see her that very day was undeniably not a coincidence. We talked about Dres' loss and I collapsed into tears in her arms. She was on her way to work and we decided to stop and eat for a while to catch up. We both owned not being our best versions of ourselves previously, and talked about how much we'd grown since our early 20s. We talked about the absolute losers we ended up having kids with and I even let her listen to an actual diss track that was written about the two of them. Ah, good times lol. We cackled. I missed her. We promised to stay in touch and I have no doubt that we will.

The month is now June, a time that is known to be my travel season. I tend to spend my birthday in Cali, but because my little human being is going away to college and I am trying to pay down some bills, I'm staying around to celebrate. But I miss it. I miss the beaches and the mountains. I miss the mild weather. And I hate to own it, but I miss him. I've processed and told myself that I don't, but I do. I miss Fred. I miss his bed. I miss his smile. I miss his jokes. I miss his body. I miss that man. I've owned that I outgrew him. The last 10 years or so have consisted of me making decisions and moves that ultimately raised me to a level of a woman I barely recognize. Like damn, I'm a full adult around here. And I can't say he grew in he same way, but that never stopped me from loving him. I made  full list of the reasons that I should get the hell away from Fred, and it's an understatement to say that those are some pretty valid reasons. But the love persists.

Being a year and half out from my last sexual encounter, and having told Fred that we'll never be friends again, I considered having a dinner with him, telling him that we definitely are not friends, only acquaintances, but hey, I can stand a roll in the sheets. But then I thought about it- I don't wanna sit anywhere near that man. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to be forced to sit through a dinner and act like I don't harbor some resentment against him. I don't want to hear his voice. A friend and I are supposed to go to Los Angeles later this year for the opening of a museum, and I considered dropping by his apartment, fucking his brains out, and then leaving the moment he falls asleep.

I know this all stems from the fact that this time of year is normally when I see him. I don't even have his number in my phone, which is definitely for the best. I wonder frequently if he's thinking about me too? It really is strange for me to love and miss him so much, while harboring so much resentment. Funny enough, in my professional role, I often remind people that it is completely possible to hold conflicting emotions about the same situation or person. Yet here I am, struggling with that fact. Two decades later. And here we are, I guess?

Speaking of travel, I realized that I haven't done a good cross-country drive in a few years, and I'm getting that itch. I decided that since I am no longer bound by that wretched school calendar, I can now travel whenever the hell I want, not just summer seasons. So in the fall of 2027, I plan to drive cross country all over again. 

This coming birthday, on Saturday, I plan to spend the early part of the day doing a float in a floatation chamber in North Georgia. Gonna make it a solo day trip at a spa, followed by a night of listening to some favorite DJs. Leave it to me to plan to do something weird on my birthday, right?