Who hurt you?

There's a guy from my past, who I'd had a major crush on, some years ago. Life did as it does, and we never got together, but remained homies. Over the years, we would occasionally reach out to one another to catch up. We went a stretch of time without communicating and I started to wonder if he was even still alive, to the point of checking for obituaries under his name.

Anyway, some years ago, my best friend and I visited the guy friend. I'll call him Gary, at his home. Gary lived with his girlfriend, and they had 5 large dogs that they wrangled like cattle through his home. I didn't necessarily understand their animal household arrangement, but as the hood adage goes, "if you like it, I love it." The couple seemed to pair nicely, and I assumed that at some point, they'd welcome their own little ones. They talked a little about Gary being sick at some point, and on the brink of death and how his loving girlfriend was there, by his side. When we left, I joked with my bestie about them becoming "those people" whose dogs were like their children, but not my monkey, not my circus, ya dig?

Some years later, Gary hit me up, and we decided to meet for drinks and to connect. He was no longer with his girlfriend, but our flirtatious interests in one another had faded by then. Nevertheless, I asked about things with her. I told him that truthfully, I'd always assumed that he would get her pregnant, and he admitted that he was definitely trying at some point. I silently questioned his fertility, but I never mentioned that to him. During our conversation, it became clear to me that he'd wanted a traditional family. He wanted the little lady in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, while he brings home the bacon. I mean, I get it. He's always been a bit of a country boy. I also see that the gods were shining down on me, that we never got together in that way. Cuz God only knows how much I wanted to, way back when.

Gary shocked me by being a smidge judgmental about women. He shared that his sister had spent her life, living for herself, and how she finally found a man that she likes, and that she is in her 40s, and her fertility may not be what it was. He basically reduced his own sister to her ability to have kids. As if she had no value to a man, other than her ability to incubate babies. I mean, EW. I pointed out to him that his way of thinking was a bit- uh, dated? I said to him that she can still be a good person, and happily married, even if she's in her 40s and childless. I also pointed out that he may not even know what she really wants, in that regard. But no, he held fast, that she'll never find a man to marry her and have a family, now that she's in her 40s. It was disappointing to hear someone I'd revered so heavily, have this kind of thought process.

Welp, in spite of it all, I realized that it had been some years, and I'd love to check in on Gary again. I was shocked to learn that he'd sold his house, due to rising taxes (big mistake, but what do I know?), and looking for a home to rent. We were supposed to go grab food, but the plans changed. Anyway, somehow, we started talking about dating. I tell everyone that I'm happily dating-free and sex-free. This is working well for me. Gary went on to share that he's had a string of bad relationships, and feels that women lack accountability. 

Say what now?

He said that 80% of women have children with 20% of men. I asked for the source of this information. He seemed offended that I didn't readily accept any random numbers he threw at me as fact. Sorry bro, I went to grad school, and I learned that you can't just take numbers from anyone and call them facts, you should be mindful of your sources! He seemed, and I hate to say it, but bitter. We had an agonizing 3 hour phone call where he basically blamed everything wrong in life on women. He talked about how single-parent households are ruining people. He blamed those bitter, miserable women for keeping their children from their fathers. And I mentioned to him that many men don't want to do the heavy lifting of raising families, but what do I know?

I said to him that quite often, the fathers are toxic and most women would love to have had a healthier relationship with the fathers of their children, myself included. He called bullshit, claiming that most mothers withhold their children from their fathers, out of spite. It was a long, arduous conversation, where he was just determined to blame women for all of the ails of society. It was heartbreaking.

This particular guy was extremely well-respected before he disappeared from everyone. I followed this guy around, like a lost puppy for years, in my early 20s. He was gorgeous, and many women were happily trying to get with him as well. And now? He's bitter and angry. I think he resents that he never got the wife, the 2.3 kids, the house and the dog he felt like he was owed. 

I miss that part of my life. I mean, I miss blissfully chasing him around, before he became this. But he never got the life he expected. He's angry and he seems to genuinely hate or severely dislike women. Poor bastard. But I refuse to wear his negativity. Cuz my life is good, happy, and peaceful. Marriage or no marriage. And I am grateful.