Babies

Fred and I have had a few close encounters of the baby kind, during our 2 decade friendship. Although I was with him as I was ending my relationship with my ex, who I was still living with, I was always sure to strap up. I knew better than to be living with one man and complicate my life by bringing home another man's child. But in the following years, we were not always careful. I'd occasionally ask him what he wanted to do if we had a slip up. He always left it as the ball was in my court on how we'd proceed. I respected that, and although we were never intentional about trying for a family, I felt good knowing that if that ended up the case for us, that he'd be a great father.

However, while I swung wildly between apathy and abso-fucking-lutely not, on my willingness to have his child, as I start to really sundown on my fertility, it's made me look at some things differently. I'm really enjoying this part of my life. My one and only child is becoming quite the young man, and I'm so proud of the progress he's made in life. He's not just my son, he's a person I genuinely love and like. Even if he wasn't my kid, I'd think he was a rock star.

I love that I'm able to travel on my own now. Money is still tight, but I can do things for myself and plan out my future. Settling into the house I bought, and finishing up buying the last bits of furniture, I'm starting to feel like my life is complete. If I dropped dead tomorrow, I'd really be okay, except for the fact that I hate the idea of leaving my child or any child to this nightmare of a society, without me being here to guide them.

But that fear hasn't stopped me from grieving "the baby that never was" lately. The fact that he never got me pregnant is sheer craziness. In my right mind, I understand that God was looking out for both of us. Our friendship works the way it does because there are no extra expectations. He shows up as his "best" version of himself and that works for us. Bringing babies into a situation makes shit real, very quickly. We never had to divide feedings. We never had to worry about diapers or child care. Babies can certainly bring out the worst between two people and who needs that kind of mess in their life? We stayed together because we like one another, not because we had to. That's one of my favorite things about our friendship. That we're here out of choice, not obligation.

But still, for some strange reason, I've been thinking about the what-ifs and if-onlys lately. While I work on getting my one and only baby out of high school, I can't help but to wonder what my life had been like had he and I taken the plunge or been a bit less careful in the past. Of course, that's easy to say now, as a home owner, with a master's degree and pretty solid career, as that wasn't always the case. Ironically, I also understand that had I brought a baby into that situation before I was settled, there's no guarantee that I would have made it here, which is a feeling that I'm grateful for, but I still struggle with.

I recognize and I am extremely grateful that at 45, as it stands, my life is pretty awesome and I certainly would never want to bring a baby into my life at this stage. That is not appealing to me at all.  I love and like myself more and more every day. I'm a free spirit and an independent thinker. My only child continues to make me proud. I'm looking forward to traveling around even more and finally taking advantage of this passport. I have the life that I literally prayed for. So why am I so caught up on what could have been?