It's In the Eyes

(I know that people read my blog, so I have to hide and change some of the details to protect the "innocent")

I've got a homeboy who I haven't spoken to in a while. I have tons of love for him. We still speak on occasion, but life does what it does. Back when we talked more frequently, my homeboy often spoke harshly of his ex-wife, to the point of blaming her for his health challenges. I love my homeboy, but I've known him for years, and there's a strong chance that his ex isn't the the problem that he'd made her out to be. I never knew who she was, but occasionally, I'd wish I'd been a fly on the wall in their relationship,  just to see how accurate his account of things was.

I got curious the other day. I did some digging and I found her. She doesn't seem like the crazy, manipulative bitch that he made her out to be, but social media has a way of softening images.  But then when I looked closely at her page, I see a woman who seems like she's trying to find herself. Honestly, I know that look when I see it. I can look in a woman's eyes and tell when she's exhausted. I know the eyes of a woman who did everything she could to keep a relationship together and finally chose herself. Those eyes are hollow, but searching, yearning. Exhausted. I really wanted to reach out. To hug her. To tell her that it'll be okay and she'll get through this. 

My poor homeboy went through something catastrophic a while back and I looked at her page for the day after it occurred. She smiled. But I saw her eyes. I saw eyes that had given their all and tried to make sense of things. In my 40-something years on this planet, I'm finally learning not to insert myself. I deeply wanted to follow her. To reach out and offer support. I knew my homeboy would shit bricks if I did. I chose peace and opted to instead, wish her the best from afar and maintain my distance.

I know that look so well, because I saw it for months, if not years. Looking in the mirror and seeing misery and self-loathing as you try to pick up your life and get back to business.

It's weird to know how much my peace and happiness infuriates other people, especially men. I'm at 15 months without sex now and I have so much more peace in life. I look at my social media and I see laughter, friends, and good times. My eyes finally show joy. And I'll be damned if they ever again show anything else.