Progress and the Doozey

I went to see my dear therapist today. I knew that today was gonna be a wild one. I'd been mulling this  this for some days, having confessed to some of my closest friends that there was something I'd been hiding, that I needed help processing.

I walked in, and immediately thanked Dr. K. I admitted to her that I'm starting to seriously realize how much progress I've made in my own life, thanks largely to her. I then confessed to her that there was a secret that I'd been hiding from her and how it was about to materialize. Then I told her, confidently, that 2-3 simple years ago, I would have gone head first into this situation, but now that I've grown more confident and knowledgeable, in spite of what I thought I'd wanted before, I no longer want this.

Doc asked why after meeting for 2-3 years, she's just now hearing about this. I admitted that most of my closest friends are just now learning about it. I told her that the situation had been like some "hang in there" kitten poster, that'd hung in my bedroom. It was 2-d. It was something internal, nothing for the world to worry about. It wasn't real. Until, well, until it was real.

I confessed to my doctor that I was struggling, and unsure if it was cognitive dissonance, growth, or a bit of both, that made this so difficult for me. The fact is that I'd long since prayed for exactly this situation. And now that I'm getting exactly what I'd prayed for, I'm no longer interested. Well, change that. It's not that I'm not interested. It's that the timing directly interferes with my new journey. I don't want to take on something or someone that may challenge that. I want to keep doing what I've been doing. I want to process all of the hits and misses in my life. I want to reconsider all of the men that I've loved. I want to reconsider the opportunities and friendships that I previously valued. I mean seriously, I love this space! 

So yes, several years ago, I wanted this, and I wanted it bad. And I might want it again, one day. But not now. Not at this moment. I want to value my solitude and my peace. I want to keep working on my personal goals. I want to get my savings back up. I want to travel. I want to get ready for my son's graduation. I want to get back to monitoring my diet. I want to keep walking 2 miles a day. I want to eventually start working on my fiction book. You see how all of those goals are all about me and my own progress? Isn't that great?!

The answer to how I'll fall in line ain't no, but it damned sure ain't yes either. Certainly not now, but it may become yes, one day. Just. Not. Now. I really need time to figure this out. But I'm not in a rush and I will not be pressured. Progress takes time.